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Please listen to me aggresive dp

(76 Posts)
namechangedforadvice Sat 16-Aug-08 16:37:36

So dp has been grumpy on and off all day ,this morning he kicked off for no reason and told me I was ugly and he hated me.
He apoligised and said he was tired , I though all was ok this afternoon and he was leaning half in half out of the kitchen door (which leads to porch) I pretended to push him in and he said stop it then dd after seeing me doing it ran at the door and pushed it again I went to stop her and he thought it was me so he shoved the door (which is like an exterior door) straight at me it would have hit my face if I didn't catch it.
I shouted and he said sorry but then went upstairs shouting I told him to stop kicking off in front of dc but he shouted more and walked out.
He is aggresive like this at least three times a week although sometimes ,I can't just leave I have 4 dc and nothing that is mine no bank account ,no family ,no friends.

I am fed up of feeling scared .

ThatBigGermanPrison Sat 16-Aug-08 16:38:42

ring these people for proper free professional advice

Mamazon Sat 16-Aug-08 16:41:44

you do have something, you have your children. everything else is material and doesn't matter.

If youa re genuinly scared of this man you have 3 options.

You can either stay and do nothing. allow your children to grow up with an agressive father, they will see you being afraid and learn that it is ok to be agressive if you don't get your own way.

you can seek councelling for his anger issue's. he will need to recognise that his behaviour is wrong and be willing to change.

or you can leave and start a new life with your children.

I cannot tell you which is the right option because i do not kow you or your DH. only you know what will or wont work.

namechangedforadvice Sat 16-Aug-08 16:43:51

I want to leave I am too scared ,I have left before and got told I was overreacting by my GP .

milknosugar Sat 16-Aug-08 16:43:58

i dont understand - you were aggressive towards him, he was aggressive back and its all his fault?

namechangedforadvice Sat 16-Aug-08 16:45:14

I wasn't aggresive we had just been cuddling in the kitchen then I pretended to shove him through the door ,then dd copied me .

LaTrucha Sat 16-Aug-08 16:45:15

Sorry have no experience of this. I understand that you can't 'just' leave, but could you lay some plans to leave? Could you, for example:

Get some help from the helpline suggested open a bank account (or get some bills put into your name on some pretext if you haven't any in order to set one up in a few months)
try and establish a little network of local mums you know through mother and baby groups or PTA or something?
make enquiries into benefits you may be eligible for

Maybe then if you have to jump it will be and seem easier.

Really feel for you. No one should have to live with fear and unpredictability.

namechangedforadvice Sat 16-Aug-08 16:45:58

I spplied for a bank account last week online I am waiting to hear from them.

cocolepew Sat 16-Aug-08 16:46:39

Change your GP as well.

milknosugar Sat 16-Aug-08 16:47:19

so he thought you were being aggressive. you pretended to shove him, then a door got shoved at him and he reacted. he didnt know it was your dd. unless there is more to this you are overreacting

Mamazon Sat 16-Aug-08 16:47:26

if you are scared then you are not over reacting.

whether i or anyone here feels that whatyou have described is a minor even or an outragous attack is neither here nor there. it is how it makes YOU feel.

if you decide to leave it has nothing to do with your GP angry
he certainly shouldn't have told you you were over reacting, if anything he should have given you some advice about support groups.

I would advise you to contact Womens aid as well. they will be able to talk you through the practicalities of leaving your DH and can offer you guidance as to what is available locally to you.

milknosugar Sat 16-Aug-08 16:48:01

is there more to it? i dont understand why its particularly bad to shove a door back when its been shoved at you.

Tortington Sat 16-Aug-08 16:48:44

i dont undetrstand either - i mean if you want to leave fair enough - but based ont he info below amnot concinced its DV - but leave if your unhappy

namechangedforadvice Sat 16-Aug-08 16:49:08

He didn't just shove it he tried to slam it into me with a lot of force ,dosen't matter anyway

milknosugar Sat 16-Aug-08 16:52:56

i have been in an abusive relationship. it really really annoys me when women cry dv and it isnt. the guy thought you were shoving the door into him. if someone did that to me i would do it back aswell. he didnt know where your face was, he thought you were being violent towards him. if you want to leave then thats up to you, but dont tell everyone he has been violent over this because i dont think he has. accusing him of dv can mean he loses all his friends, job, social standing. its a horrible lie to tell not just for him but for all those of us who have gone through it for real. think about what you are doing. if he has been violent i apologise but this was a misunderstanding, not domestic abuse

Fanlight Sat 16-Aug-08 16:53:04

Well done Custy and MNS hmm

Yet another victim of abuse gets brushed under the carpet by minmalisation

Namechanged, yes it is domestic violence, I think people are confused because they are assuming if you were generally scared around him you would not have even dared to pretend to push him iyswim.

But it sounds as though he has a bad temper and you are obviously scared, which rings alarm bells for me - look at the link to Womens aid and ring them if you can. They are very good.

We are here if you want to keep posting x

hercules1 Sat 16-Aug-08 16:54:45

Is there more to this? I'd have been tempted to slam the door back at you tbh.

Fanlight Sat 16-Aug-08 16:57:09

Look. He told her earlier that she was ugly and he hated her. For no reason.

Then later she made a small gesture pretending to push, NOT ACTUALLY PUSHING, there's a difference no?

She is scared, why aren't we all being more supportive?

He does this three times a week.

It is not a good relationship. The woman needs advice and help to get out of it whoever is winding who up.

Can we please do what we're supposed to do and listen to her?

LaTrucha Sat 16-Aug-08 16:58:30

I assume if she is scared, there is more to it. I think she was just giving us an example of an overreaction. I wouldn't be scared - bloody pissed off though - if DH did this to me because he's not agressive or unpleasant at all. It would have just been a mistake. If this happens and it scares you it's because you expect or think it might turn nastier, no?

Also, if I retaliated to haveing a door pushed at me I'd do it in a playful manner. It doesn't seem like her DP did it in this way, from the attitude of the OP.

namechangedforadvice Sat 16-Aug-08 16:58:48

It's ok that he scares me and is aggresive towards me but because he is not kicking the shit out of me (which has happened on rare occasions you know hair pulling getting dragged off the bed ,spat at ,curled up in a ball while slaps and punches reign down on you ,then finding more and more bits which hurt when the adreniline <SP>is gone ,shaky legs from been scared and wondering if he will let you pass him without him lashing out ) sorry I am not in your league MNS.

I wanted some advice I didn't expect to be told off for crying wolf I am sorry

Mamazon Sat 16-Aug-08 16:59:03

milk - yes so have i.
i suffered for years with being pushed over, slammed against walls and various other "minor" acts of aggression.

i never left or reported it because the world is full of people like you.

I was convinced it couldn't possibly be DV because i wasn't put in hospital and i didnt have a black eye.

yes he may have been excused for shoving the door back on this occasion. is he also excused calling her fat and ugly? is he to be excused treating her in whatever way it is that has left her frightened?

maybe OP hasn't explained herself very well. im not sure if English is a second language here or she is just being overly carefull what she says but her posts certainly do not flow. How about reading between the lines.

I am amazed that someone who claims to have been at the recieving end of an abusive relationship could be so dismissive of someone seeking advice.

Fanlight Sat 16-Aug-08 16:59:41

Looks like you've seen her off then angry

Please come back OP. You're not overreacting, you are trying to protect your child from what you can see isn;'t a good situation.

I think you are abso,lutely right to try to leave. Please do ask us as lots of us have been in that situation and can help.

Geez girls just read the thread title.

LaTrucha Sat 16-Aug-08 17:00:03

Here here, mamzon.

hercules1 Sat 16-Aug-08 17:00:07

I am assuming there is far more to it. I dont think tellting her to leave is the right thing to do personally. THere is clearly far more to it rather than just the op.

Fanlight Sat 16-Aug-08 17:00:14

Cross posted, glad you came back mate x

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