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I feel I need to leave for the sake of my MH and my relationship with my children.

(24 Posts)
MillieMummy Sat 16-Aug-08 10:12:35

I feel I haven't been coping well for a long time, worse since DS was born almost two years ago. My DP is a wonderful father, but however hard I try to tell him doesn't see that I am really struggling. Yesterday I had a terrible day and ended up screaming at my DD in the street - I am loosing my temper with her all the time and I feel terrible for doing it. Told DP what I bad day I had had, he agreed to takt the children out today. He then spent an hour on the 'phone this morning orgnising a bank loan - something he has needed to do for almost two months. Both children were climbing the walls and desperate to get out, I felt again that I ended up supporting DP because he is so bloody disorganised rather than him helping me.

So my question is - do I 'sacrifice' my relationship with DP to keep my sanity and my relationshiop with my children. I don't think DP is ever going to change and be the organised supportive person that I need?

Miaou Sat 16-Aug-08 10:29:08

but surely if you leave you will go from some support to absoloutely none? How will that help?

MillieMummy Sat 16-Aug-08 10:33:18

I know it doesn't make sense - I don't think I'm in a making sense place any more. Somehow I feel that if I leave I can be a good part-time mother rather than being a crap full-time one. DP is a really good father and I know that he can more than cope with looking after both children p-t. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my children and stay here just because I should put my relationship with DP first.

mumonthenet Sat 16-Aug-08 10:34:36

In what way are you "not coping" Millie.

Do you have PND? Are you getting treatment?

AbbeyA Sat 16-Aug-08 10:37:14

I agree with Miaou, I can't see how being on your own with the DCs is going to help. I have been a single parent and it is hard. You will still have to deal with DP as the father of your children.
I should sit down with him when the DCs are in bed and discuss your problems. It might sound silly but write down an agenda first because it is easy to get sidetracked. Make him take it seriously. Ask him for his solutions. If it seems too difficult to tackle alone then try Relate.You sound very down-have you tried your GP?

beanieb Sat 16-Aug-08 10:39:47

HAve you cpnsidered you may have Post Natal Depression? What has you DP said to you when you have discussed how you feel? Perhaps you could consider counselling.

If you don't love him then maybe it is time to start thinking about leaving or perhaps you could stay with family for a while to have a break.

MillieMummy Sat 16-Aug-08 10:44:21

I find it so hard to cope with two children - this may sound silly but I just don't think I'm any good at this. I'm good at other things but I'm not good at coping with two children and I don't think that any counselling in the world is going to make me good at something I'm not.

I feel so sorry for my DP, we had a really good relationship pre-children, but my strongest need at the moment is not to hurt my dc's.

I don't know if I have PND - DS is almost 2 so not sure if I am too 'late' to be diagnised now.

ConstanceWearing Sat 16-Aug-08 10:45:30

I was thinking the same thing, Beanieb. Have you been checked for PND?

Your DP isnt an organised person, but that really isn't a very good reason for leaving someone, and you will have to deal with the DC's on your own all day every day if you leave him for that reason.

Is it that he is not organised, or is it that he doesn't seem to take your feelings into account? If the first, it isn't really his fault (although he could learn to improve). If the second, I can see why you are so frustrated.

Sorry, not trying to annoy you with specifics. I was just trying to get a more accurate picture of what you think is behind his behaviour.

ConstanceWearing Sat 16-Aug-08 10:46:13

not too late mm. I was diagnose 14 years after blush

AbbeyA Sat 16-Aug-08 10:50:21

You are still going to be coping with 2 children whether you leave him or not. I think the PND is worth looking into.

beanieb Sat 16-Aug-08 10:52:02

Also if you are depressed (if) then perhaps you are obsessing too much about how you think things should be, and getting yourself in a twist where you don't have to. Sometimes when you are depressed it can seem like everything someone does or says is wrong. Are you quite a sensitive person?

Maybe you need to go and see your GP and also start doing some stuff for yourself? Get out a bit, see some frined - maybe leave the children with your DP and go somewhere with friends or family. Or even arrange babysitting and spend a night out woth your DP doing the things you did before the children came along. Perhaps it's just all about re-connecting?

Monkeytrousers Sat 16-Aug-08 10:52:46

If you are not happy - if you can afford it - have a trial seperation and do to relate during it.

MillieMummy Sat 16-Aug-08 10:54:31

CW - thanks for your post, I am so shocked that you can have un diagnosed PND for 14 years! Before DC's were born I felt that I was so mentally strong and could and did cope with everything - why does having children have such a terrible effect on a womans's mental health?

My frustration with DP is that he is good, but think's he is the perfect supportive parter but can be so bloody dim. He knew that I had a terrible day yesterday and just wanted time to myself today, but he prioritised dealing with his bank account - which he's had almost two months to sort out. I don't think he really understands how low I feel, and I don;t know what words I can use to make him really understand.

He is very quick to point out that he does 50% of evertying, but I NEED him to give me more than 50% which I realise is not fair.

ConstanceWearing Sat 16-Aug-08 11:04:23

Well, mine had turned into depression proper after that space of time, but the doctor said it stemmed from PND. I just thought I was the world's most negative, miserable cow.

Do you think it would be possible to see your doctor and take your husband with you for support? That way, he could see what is really going on in your head by the answers/info you give to the doctor? He needs to be aware of the depth of your inability to cope, which he probably isn't, tbh.

I don't know if taking him to DR's is a good idea. See what the others say

Buckets Sat 16-Aug-08 11:05:15

Have a google about PND and if you think you tick some boxes, print out some info on it for him. My DH often won't believe things I say but will if someone else more qualified says it! (eg bloke in his office!)angry
Definitely see your GP before considering separation, if you are ill your self-perception might well be skewed.

Buckets Sat 16-Aug-08 11:05:20

Have a google about PND and if you think you tick some boxes, print out some info on it for him. My DH often won't believe things I say but will if someone else more qualified says it! (eg bloke in his office!)angry
Definitely see your GP before considering separation, if you are ill your self-perception might well be skewed.

MillieMummy Sat 16-Aug-08 11:07:53

CW, what did your Dr do for you - I am really nervous of medication - have a really good friend who went on meds almost 20 years ago for depression and can't get off them, it's rulled her life?

I am more than happy to take DP to the GP with me if it will make him understand. Was also considering getting some 'me' counselling - should I see GP first though?

ConstanceWearing Sat 16-Aug-08 11:22:39

Agree with other posts, bucket's idea to google PND and see what boxes you tick is a great idea. However, it's not definitive, so good to use it as a guideline, but not a diagnosis!!

I am on medication. But they don't tend to be addictive these days. 20 years ago, it was often Valium, and that is addictive, but they don't dish that out these days really.

It helps me to see the world without anxiety and fear. I'm not and don't need to be supermum. I'm just a woman trying to raise her children whilst retaining her self, and her mental health in the balance. It balances you, I suppose.

If you see GP, you can talk to him/her about counselling whilst you are there. They often do referral services etc.

MillieMummy Sat 16-Aug-08 11:51:12

CW, thanks. Have just completed the Edinburge Postnatal Depression scale and looks like I am more depressed than I thought I was. I don't need to be a supermum, I just want to be given the chance to be a good mum to my wonderful DC's who I love very much.

ConstanceWearing Sat 16-Aug-08 12:11:57

Brilliant, well not brilliant that you may have PND. But brilliant that perhaps you can find a way out of the maze.

I'm dashing out now, but before I go, do you think it may be a good idea to mention it to your DH that you are thinking of seeing the GP regarding this, and ask for his support? (Don't know what the other girls think about how to handle that?)

I really really hope you find the relief you're looking for. Parenting is so hard, but they grow up (I've got 6. My teenage girls are wonderful now, and I love their company so much, but when they were 3 DD's under 3 years old, it was a WHOLE other story grin). Keep plodding, and do whatever it takes to give your family the happy life you all deserve - even if this means taking little capsules for a short while lol ((()))

ConstanceWearing Sat 16-Aug-08 12:14:15

Oh, and don't forget the counselling (couples and singles counselling are both great). It is invaluable, really. BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT grin ((()))

lilacbloom Sat 16-Aug-08 12:24:54

I had pnd, and was told that you can start pnd up to two years after birth, and it can go one for years.

JumpingDizzy Sat 16-Aug-08 12:30:26

Once you get help for your depression you'll see more clearly. Take one day at a time and keep talking to dp. take him to the doctor. Also make a double appointment when you go so you don't feel rushed. Get all the help you need and are entitled to.

squeaver Sat 16-Aug-08 12:32:06

Some really good advice for you here, MM. Please get some help for yourself and your relationship and don't do anything hasty.

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