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Feel trapped.

(18 Posts)
Stefka Sat 16-Aug-08 08:56:49

I feel pretty trapped since I had my baby and last night I realised why. I wanted to go and see some stuff at the Edinburgh festival and was trying to arrange it with my DH. He was in a bad mood last night though and decided that it was too much stress.

In a way it is a stress because he is self employed and works odd shifts. It's not simple for him to know when he will be off.

At the same time this seems to have had little impact on his own social life. He still goes out to the things he wants to go to. I on the other hand almost need his permission to go anywhere because I have no one else around who can watch our baby. He seems to think this is acceptable because he is the one who is earning not me. Yet we made the decision for me to stay at home together.

I think he really resents the fact that I don't work and is often really nasty to me about it. I don't know how to deal with that though. Last night he told me I was taking the piss because I wanted to see three things at the festival. My point was that it happens once a year - he goes to his band practice once a week plus regular gigs so I didn't think I was being unfair.

I don't want to go back to work really but now I am thinking I need to just to get some power back in this situation.

girlnextdoor Sat 16-Aug-08 09:04:56

Talk. Negotiate- tell him what you have said here. agree on one night each a week or a month or whatever. discuss the pros and cons of you working outside the home. How old is your baby?

Make an "appointment" with him when you agree to discuss the problem calmly.

Freckle Sat 16-Aug-08 09:05:23

I do find it sad that there are so many women whose only means of achieving equality in their relationships is to go out to work. If you make a decision jointly for one party to stay at home to raise your child/ren, then that role should be equal to the role of the one who goes out to work. You both work equally, just in different roles.

I don't understand why people think that, just because someone brings in the money, it gives them a greater say in what happens in the relationship.

I think you need to speak to your dh and find out why he feels that his weekly social life is acceptable but your one trip to Edinburgh is taking the piss. Ask him whether he is really happy with your joint decision for you to stay home, whether he wants you to work and for someone else to care for your baby. I think you need to communicate more.

lazaroulovespastries Sat 16-Aug-08 09:05:23

And who does he think will look after your baby if you go back to work?

He's being an idiot. YOu shouldn't have to ask his permission to do things. Did you want to go with friends to see the EF or ith him?

cafebistro Sat 16-Aug-08 09:08:02

You need to talk to your DH about this. Explain how you feel....just because you have chosen to stay at home doesnt mean that you dont deserve some time off too.
I have this problem with DP and have to remind him every so often that i am not the hired help, we created two children together and should both have responsibility in raising them. I often feel that DP plans things knowing I will be here to look after DC's but if i want to do something I almost have to ask if he'll be around to look after them.
You could always look into going back to work part time so that you have a role outside the home too and financial looking into this at the moment.
Dont worry you're not alone i think lots of women feel like this at some stage.
Talk to your DH.
Good luck smile

Stefka Sat 16-Aug-08 09:46:50

I was going to the festival by myself actually. I am pretty isolated at the moment. I don't mind going alone - at least I get to see things.

Freckle - I totally agree with you. I didn't anticipate him using the money thing against me so often or how powerless not earning would make me feel. I work bloody hard with our son who is ten months. He wakes a lot in the night so haven't had a full nights sleep since he was born apart from anything else.

cafe - it's exactly like that for me. If he wants to do things he just does them. If I want to do them then I have to ask him if I can .

The difficulty I have is that when he is in a good mood it's not really an issue. He says he knows I work hard and that I need more time for myself. When he is in a bad mood he will take it out on me and there seems to be little I can do about this. He is impossible when he gets like that and can be really nasty to me. There is no point in trying to talk to him like that because he just says things like he hates me or daft stuff like that and communication goes out the window.

I HATE his stupid band. It takes up loads of time. I have asked him to leave it but he won't. He even went to a last minute gig recently on a night we had planned to watch a film together. I had got in some nice food and wine and was really looking forward to it. I cried when he told me he was going to the gig instead and leaving me alone again.

I do need to talk to him but I don't know how. He gets so mad and unpleasant and defensive if I try.

moondog Sat 16-Aug-08 09:48:51

God,I would be livid but sadly this behaviour seems standard.
(How is b/feeding btw?)

Stefka Sat 16-Aug-08 09:53:20

Great! I am trying to cut down on the night feeds which is hard work but the feeding is totally fine now. I am so so glad I stuck at it even though it was hard as hell. Could not have done it without all the lovely support I got on here

moondog Sat 16-Aug-08 09:58:51

Brilliant! smile
I also think going back to work does give you more control and power.

ilovemydog Sat 16-Aug-08 10:04:55

Message withdrawn

moondog Sat 16-Aug-08 15:35:04

Why ilove?
You are actually reinforcing his behaviour, you know that?

ilovemydog Sat 16-Aug-08 15:45:52

Message withdrawn

ThatBigGermanPrison Sat 16-Aug-08 15:51:31

Start going out once a week for 5 hours. And you must do this regardless of how late he comes in (in order to prevent you going out) you must still go out. Once a week. Without fail. He will eventually learn that it is easier to let you go without making a fuss.

moondog Sat 16-Aug-08 15:51:33

sad Are your kids old enough to not need constant supervision?

ilovemydog Sat 16-Aug-08 15:53:26

5 months and 2 years, so yes, need constant supervision....

moondog Sat 16-Aug-08 15:54:43

Completely selfish of him. I would not accept it. Let him get away with it and he will be worse in future.

Stefka Sun 17-Aug-08 08:32:48

Well he was in a better mood last night so I asked him if he was happy for me to not be working and he said yes. Somehow I ended up feeling guilty for the hassle he is going to have with his rehearsal today - he is not going to make it because of the show I am going to although this is not my fault as he thought he wouldn't be working and now he is. Tried to talk to him about the way he speaks to me when he is in a bad mood but he started to get defensive so I just dropped it again.

It's hard for him - I know that. I just wish he wouldn't take it out on me. I want part time work - even if it is just a day a week to get some pocket money and feel a bit like I am more than just a nanny. I am trying to create some opportunities for myself by sending my CV out to people as there have been no jobs so we will see how that goes.

moondog Sun 17-Aug-08 11:02:56

His anger and selfishness is not your problem. Don't shoulder the blame for stuff that has nowt to do with yuo. Life is tough for everyone, full stop.

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