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How many times should you forgive a friend that has hurt you/let you down/shit on you from a great height?

(46 Posts)
dropinthe Fri 15-Aug-08 19:42:40

I'm on twice and thinking that a third time is just not acceptable. A close friend of mine really let me down on New Years eve after accepting an invite for her and her family to spend it with mine and then getting a better offer and only letting me know at 5pm on the day, after I had spent hundreds of pounds on food and drink. My kids were devastated and could not understand why her kids weren't coming and I made excuses for her and never really told her how upset it made me feel. Then last week, after two months of planning to go to Brighton for two days while my husband and kids were camping for a week, paying for a travelodge and hoping not to spend my 8th wedding anniversary on my own, she does it again, lets me down with vague excuses. I then find out she actually went to Southend with another friend on the same day she was supposed to be with me and so I go to Brighton on my own and spend a miserable two days trying to have fun but actually being completely hurt and upset that she did it again.
And to cap it off, I haven't heard from her for over a week. Do I forgive her again when, or if, she finally deigns to contact me or should I tell her to shove it??

Pennies Fri 15-Aug-08 19:43:56

Tell her to shove it and make it very clear to her why.

ThankCrunchyItsFriday Fri 15-Aug-08 19:44:02

Twice is enough.
Any more than that is taking the piss.

piratecat Fri 15-Aug-08 19:44:28

shove it.

poor you.

ignore her, move on.

what a bitch.

LynetteScavo Fri 15-Aug-08 19:44:48

Wow...she must be some amazing friend in between letting you down for you to even consider staying friends with her!

Monchichi Fri 15-Aug-08 19:45:32

Yup. The NYE let down counts for about 3 let downs. Everybody knows that it's not just any old night. To let you down NYE is quite shitty.

Cut the cord.

hockeypuck Fri 15-Aug-08 19:46:55

Absolutely shove her, tell her why and don't let her do it to you a third time.

You do not deserve crap friends and you and your family do not deserve to be let down by a better offer.


There are other people more worthy of your time and efforts who will appreciate you for the friend that you are.

JuneBugJen Fri 15-Aug-08 19:46:58

What a bitch!

I feel a cold front moving in....

Pennies Fri 15-Aug-08 19:47:26

What was her excuse for the NYE crapness?

coppertop Fri 15-Aug-08 19:47:52

Next time she calls, tell her you got a better offer.

Elmosgirl Fri 15-Aug-08 19:47:58

Poor you...def tell her to shove it. I'd have been gutted if someone had done that to me.

olympicsnotfederer Fri 15-Aug-08 19:48:11

she is no friend

let her go

you don't have to have a confrontation if you can't face it

just don't contact her again, and when you hear from her make no plans and dodge it

if she pushes you for an explanantion (which I doubt) then tell her why

LippyGobshite Fri 15-Aug-08 19:48:16

I think you should've told her about the new year thing, and I hope you'll tell her about the Brighton thing.

I'd let the friendship drop a grade or seven - can you just meet sometimes for coffee? That way, if she doesn't show, you get to read the paper while someone else makes you coffee. Win win.

But send a text to make sure she's not in hospital/jail/dead - you'll feel crap if you decide to ditch her and then find out she's mid-tragedy the cow.

dropinthe Fri 15-Aug-08 19:51:19

Well, the cord is very close to being cut apart from the fact I have to work on Thursday nights with her and she has kids in my kids school so have to see her every day. Am LIVID!! We were such good friends-went to the gym a good few times a week-I got her the job she has now-I have helped her do so much-and yet I obviously have a great big MUG tatooed on my head!

JuneBugJen Fri 15-Aug-08 19:54:09

well then. Polite but not much more unless you want to drop the bombshell about why you are annoyed.

Is it worth the rift? Perhaps she is just a 'coffee friend' and not a 'weekend friend'. There are some of those about who you have to take as you find. Perhaps continue as chums but keep any important engagements to just reliable friends

LippyGobshite Fri 15-Aug-08 19:54:21

No you're not a mug - she's just unpleasant. Be polite, but tell her nothing about your life and slowly distance yourself.

Pennies Fri 15-Aug-08 19:54:25

Well you need to tell her that you're angry (you don't need to have a showdown, just tell her calmly that certain things between you have upset you recently and list them and see what she has to say. She'll realise from that that she's off the christmas card list, hopefully.

nowwearefour Fri 15-Aug-08 19:55:06

i would ask her why she has treated you like thi. but no excuse good enough. you do not need this kind of friend. be civil but keep your distance is my advice given her prxomity in your life

Spidermama Fri 15-Aug-08 19:55:49

I would completely cool off. Remain polite because of having to work together but I would just be unable to talk to her.

Either that or have a big blow out with her, let her know how hurt you felt and how let down you and your kids felt, then see if she understands and apologises. If she does, you could maybe salvage something, but if not, bye bye.

dropinthe Fri 15-Aug-08 19:57:28

I held out the olive branch before finding out she actually still went away-she ignored me! I offered to look after her kids while she went to work this weekend but she hasn't even got the decency to reply to that. Her NYE excuse is FEEBLE-her Mum offered to take her and her three kids to the pictures instead. She has been at ous on Xmas eve with another hundred or so worth of food and drink consumed and obviously felt suffiently bored enough round mine to accept her Mums offer. The thing is-my DH and I throw a mean party-we aint talkin sausage rolls and sarnies-we are talkin flamin sambukas and some inventiveness in the culinatu dept-it was obviously just lost on her. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! Am seeing red!!!

tigermoth Fri 15-Aug-08 19:59:05

Is she horribly scatty like this with all her friends? If you really don't think it's personally directed at you, and she may have a crisis, AND underneath it she really is a nice person, you could embark on a programm of damage limitation. Arrange to see her only when it doesn't really matter if she lets you down at the last minute - like the coffee bar as someone suggested.

What she did sounds vile, though - do you think she's a social climber who habitually allows her networking ambitions to get in the way of friendship? If so, drop her like a hot brick.

One last thing, her behaviour sounds passive aggressive - as if she wants you to be the one to end the friendship so is being deliberately provocative. Is there any chance she doesn't really like you or is jealous of you?

dropinthe Fri 15-Aug-08 20:00:51

And I did send her a very long, polite message explaining how hurt I was after seeing her at work last Thursday and her twice asking me what I was doing on the Monday/Tuesday past and me calmly telling her that I was, in fact, still going on the trip that we had both planned a couple of months ago that she had cancelled for no apparent reason. Twice-she asked me-I was incredulous!

dropinthe Fri 15-Aug-08 20:01:29

Hello Tigermoth!!!! Are you still living in my manor??

Seabright Fri 15-Aug-08 20:03:09

Please can we all come to your next party? It sounds FAB! grin

tigermoth Fri 15-Aug-08 20:04:26

Yes I am! long time no see!

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