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relationship with mother.. if i say black she says white. adding to depression

(9 Posts)
newmummy27 Fri 15-Aug-08 18:42:49

since having ds, i am not sure if it is a jealousy thing or what and i am trying to get past this by responding differently but i get trapped again into going back to square one with relationship with mam. if i am playing with son or showing my love, she screws up her face. when i said we could take him to the park together it was "hes just eaten" he is teething and has a cold so has lots of snot and now she says "he has an infection" HE DOESNT, I KNOW. I have fallen behind with washing/housework and she goes on about HER HOUSEWORK. I was hoping for some help? She has chewing gum the other night and was blowing bubles at son. I asked her not to do it and she ignored me and kept doing it. i just feel so disrespected. she left my dad when i was 14 and i really dont think she likes me, whether it is a guilt thing on her part i dont know. i have PND and no-one ever thinks of me. feeling low. anyone else been in same situation or got any advise please?

smithfield Fri 15-Aug-08 18:54:28

Newmummy- Its hard to say from what you have written, but bits of it 'suggest' she is a bit controlling.

Either way she is not being very supportive of you as a new mum.

You say she left whwn you were 14,What was your relationship before she left? After she left?

Have a look at this thread here

newmummy27 Fri 15-Aug-08 19:04:19

smithfield, thank you for your reply. yes she is. i dont really feel i am being supported at all as a new mum. in fact i dont even feel recognised as a mum. today i went out and looked at other mothers pushing their prams and really couldnt believe i was pushing one.does that make sense? i feel quite detached.
i feel she likes to put her problems and anger/frustration about things onto me. i have lump in my throat and tight chest :-(
i'll have a look at the thread now.

smithfield Fri 15-Aug-08 19:21:15

(((((newmummy)))))- The feeling of detachment with regards to ds is probably part and parcel of the PND. Have you been to the GP, spoken to HV?

I just dont want you to worry about that so much now. Your a new mum and plenty of new mums 'do' feel like this, many dont let on. It does and can get better.

Personally I believe your mother 'is'/will be contributing to you feeling emotionally low.
Motherhood is emotionally draining (you may even at times feel controlled by your baby)-So to then have to deal with an 'adult' who is emotionally needy and draining-That isnt support.
You may do better to keep her at arms length for the time being. Do you have any other support systems in place? Mother and baby groups, postnatal groups?

This is hard because it is a time when you need your mum, but 'this woman' has probably never been a mother to you.
Not in the true sense of the word and I dont think she will change. All kinds of emotions regarding this may be surfacing for you right now.

And yes, she is jealous, because your ds will be taking your attention away from her.

laweaselmys Fri 15-Aug-08 19:34:59

If she's not helping you at all, is there any way you can get rid of her? Is there somebody else who could help. Am reluctant to suggest giving her the shove entirely at this point as if you have PND as it probably isn't best to be alone all day either. I do think smithfield is right though and she is probably making you feel worse.

However, it's definately worth a trial run, have a day out with you and the baby (and a friend) and see if you are able to feel a bit more positively without her around.

I don't have any experience with PND, and hopefully somebody will be around to offer you some advice, and I hope very much that you are able to feel better soon. You are not alone!

Ally90 Fri 15-Aug-08 19:46:20

Ditto what Smithfield said. I'm on the same thread Seen you about before, your name rings a bell and I think you may have spoken about your mother before this?

Ally90 Fri 15-Aug-08 19:47:32

And ditto what Laweaselmys said...x posting on other thread

more Fri 15-Aug-08 20:41:08

I remember only feeling that I was a mum when someone took my baby away as I went into surgery (long story).

The best piece of advice I got was set up a routine that suits you and your baby. I knew exactly when she wanted fed, when she was going to sleep, and boy did I look forward to daddy coming home from work. He was my safety net. I felt so much stronger when he was around. I feel I could do it when daddy was there.

If your mother does not make you feel happy about being a mother, could you maybe cut down on contact with her?

Relax when baby is sleeping, your partner can do the cleaning/laundry when he gets in, or you can do it when he is there to take over with your son/daughter.

Ally90 Sat 16-Aug-08 08:27:14

Newmummy, how are you today? Have you seen your dr about your PND?

Your issues with your mother won't go away...do you feel like summerising your childhood with her, we can hopefully help you sort through your problems. You really don't have to have these issues and sort them alone (assuming you have little/no support?) Many of us on the Stately Homes thread have not just each other, but a therapist as well.

Please come back and let us know how you are getting on. I'm putting this thread on my watched list.

Allyxx

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