I've got PND, I know I have, what the hell is the first step? What am I going to do? I'm letting everyone down and I'm a disgrace.

[G2B]

I'm just a disgusting person.

I'm lazy, revolting, yucky to look at, jealous, awkward, all naty things I hate. I'm even getting possessive nowadays which is something I never used to be. I don't laugh anymore.

And most of all I can't cope. This is me admitting it. I'm not coping.

Looking after the baby comes first, I love him like I never thought possible.

but i can't look after me. I can't even bring myself to do my hair. I can't cope with my college work, I can't face going back to work as I know it'll push me over the edge (teaching), I havn't got time to do anything it seems.

I'm having problems with my rented house so I'm homeless at the moment. I don't want to go into it because I've argued with the letting agents on the phone for ages about it, but the landlord won't help, and I'm expected to fork out lots of money. Everything's a mess.

I've got more college work than I can do and I've come to the end of my extension. I have an interview to get my old job back on Monday and I have to go as we cna't afford to live without it.

I'm driving my DP away and I love him ridiculous amounts so I don't know why.

I feel ill all the time and I can't sleep. I'm losing a lot of my baby weight and I'm not dieting so i guess it's stress.

I have a constant lump in my throat and I feel shakey and unable to live.

I want to run away fro ME.

[expatinscotland]

Please call your HV or GP straight away.

If you can't face that, get a friend or your partner to.

Please!

[OneLieIn]

hi G2B, it's good you know you have a problem. Please go adn see your GP, they are very very understanding and will be able to help you.

[OracleInaCoracle]

sweetheart, you need to see your gp or hv asap. please dont feel like crap about this (easier said than done, i know) you are ill, this is just like having a cold, you need to recuperate. you can get over it and see life in colour again. but make an appt asap xx

[CuckooChocolateOrange]

You're not disgusting or lazy. You're selfless. You feel bad and you're still putting your baby first. Even when you feel this depressed. Go to the doctor and do not be afraid of going on anti-depressants for PND. It's so very common. I held off, not wanting to for too long. Eventually I got my ass down to the doctors and was prescribed 'Lustral' if I remember rightly. An SSRI. I felt better in days. You sound like you have a HECK of a lot on your plate and you could really do with a crutch. If you have never been on anti-Ds, you may imagine that they will make you feel artifically high. They won't. They will just help curtail pointlessly negative thought patterns. Being on anti-Ds will just give you a step up to help yourself really. Not a miracle cure.

I know when you're feeling low it's hard even to make an appointment and make time to get to the doctor. Not loooking after yourself is part of it all. You probably feel you are hardly worht looking after. Well you are. Do it for the other mumsnetters! So you can come back in a week and tell us you've been to the doctors. This thread will still be here, and I'd really love to read an update in a week.

[OracleInaCoracle]

what cuckoo said!

[G2B]

I just feel so guilty that my DS is lumbered with me as a mum. He's the happiest baby ever, he never stops smiling and laughing and I feel like I don't deserve something so perfect.

I think I will get to the GP on monday but when i tried to explain a little at my check up (although I never would have admitted PND back then), i explained I'd just had a family bereavement and my baby has apnoea and I was feeling very low, and she sort of brushed it off and said I'll be fine. So worried to go back now as she seemed to think I was moaning. Or maybe that was just my perseption. She was very angry that I'd missed a previous appointment so didn't have much time for me.

[expatinscotland]

you know, GB, if you were actually a truly selfish and nasty person, you wouldn't even give a toss about your behaviour's and feelings' effect on everyone else.

but you do.

so you can't be a bad person.

please get some help.

this disease doesn't have to wreck your life.

i'm sorry you're in this state, but you're not alone.

[OracleInaCoracle]

G2B, can you see someone else insead, whats your hv like? or the practice nurse?

remember, your ds is happy because he has you for a mother. this is the pnd, not you. and you will feel better. i promise x

[OracleInaCoracle]

meant to say your ds can see past the pnd.

[lilQuidditchKel]

...and when you get to the GP, first thing you say is, I need help, I think I have PND. And do not let her brush you off!!! Practice saying it beforehand (I know, sounds awfully weird) if you fear you won't be able to bring it up. Telling the GP you want help can be a very difficult thing. Good luck. And do it.

[G2B]

You're all saying such nice things, thank you. But I must be such a shoddy person to end up like this- think of all the people that are worse off or have bad babies or twins or 4 kids. I can't understand why I feel like this after one. It's so irresponsible of me to get like this. Especially when I've been blessed with such a good baby and DP.

I can't get hold of my HV but I've just sat and cried to my dad. He listened to me, said he thinks I'm a great mum which made me cry more, and gave me a hug.

And I thought I was ok.

But 2 mins later I'm in a state again

[RedHead81]

my bet is that you are a great mum. if yoy weren't then you would not be on here looking to make yourself better for him. your ds is lucky he has someone who cares so much for him. your not letting people down and you will get through it with the help that you will get from your gp.
good luck with your appointment, my thoughts are with you.
x

[lilQuidditchKel]

Bless you. We're saying nice things because (IMHO anyway) we've been there, we know what it's like, and we know it sucks. But you can be helped out of it.

Try to let the guilt go. If you really concentrated you could probably find a billion reasons to feel guilty, but it's a waste of time, because you'll still be in the same situation you're in after you've driven yourself silly thinking of all the things you're doing wrong, could be doing better, etc etc.

It will require taking very small steps in the right direction. Put on some music for example. First step - back away from the computer. Locate music. Switch on. Then come back...

[RedHead81]

oh and even though i don't have PND - I can't be bothered to do my hair most of the time either! Think its completely normal when you have a baby to let the baby take over.

Now, if you were spending hours on your hair and manicures etc... then I'd prob be worried!

You must have such a loving dad to be able to talk to him about this - take any help that he will give - and see he said he thinks you are a great mum.

Having a baby isn't easy and sometimes we all need a little help in different ways. Take what help you can, and you will soon feel more yourself.
x

[G2B]

I do feel a bit better for crying to my dad, and saying this on here, and you all talking to me about it and saying you've felt like it to. I feel like it's just me and I'm on my own. I'm worst when DPs at work, but I get all excited about him coming home and then I'm so negative and I know I'm being hard work but I don't know why. I used to ALWAYS be happy, giggling and chatting about anything and everything. Now I'm withdrawn and irritable.

[OracleInaCoracle]

sweetheart, the worst thing about depression is the need for a "why" you have just as much right to feel like this as anyone else, because you have the same hormones, the same fears and the added external pressures. you are a great mum because your ds loves you and you know you need help. please keep talking x

[G2B]

I'm just scared if I go to the Gp and it's made official with anti depressants and stuff I'll feel like a failure and feel bad for whining when so many mum on mumsnet have lots of kids to cope with and cheating DHs and alsorts. I'm sorry for moaning on, just need to get it off my chest a bit because i feel like I'm going to pop. I just want to hurt myself because I'm so mad at myself.

[lilQuidditchKel]

Scared - normal. Feeling a failure - normal. Moaning - normal. You jsut need a bit of help. Go get it!!!

[OracleInaCoracle]

oh you are def not going on! and def not a failure. it takes a lot of guts to admit that things arent right. you need help, everyone does at some point!

i had severe pnd when ds was born (although at the time didnt know how bad i was) i felt guilty too, and as though i would have ds taken if i admitted how bad things were. i lost all m weight, stopped showering, didnt get dressed. one day dh came home and i handed him ds and went for a walk in the rain, still in my pj's and slippers, all without saying a word. but one day soemthing shifted and all the colour came back into the world, i felt like i could breath again. i have been off my ads for a year now

it wont change overnight, but it will change. and we will be here for you as you go through it x

[EyeballsintheSky]

G2B you sound exactly like I did 5 months ago. Exactly. Please go to your GP and if you can't get the words out then make sure you have a print out of this thread and show it to him or her. someone on here advised me to do that when I couldn't get help and it was the best thing I did. They really can help you although I was convinced I was just a useless horrible unfit mother. I feel 1000x better now.

[ActingNormal]

The PND isn't your fault, just like if you caught an infectious disease it would not be your fault. It is an illness just the same. Giving birth is exhausting like nothing else and it is hard to recover when you have a newborn to look after and probably not getting much sleep. Some people think it takes a year for your body to recover. Your body has been through a trauma, you are sleep deprived and exhausted, your hormones are seriously disrupted and your brain chemicals have gone out of balance. This is NORMAL and PND is very common.

Nobody really tells you how hard/horrific it is having a baby and even if they did, you don't really understand and can't really be prepared for it. Especially with your first baby it is such a shock! No amount of logical thinking is going to help IMO. You need ADs, sleep, good nutrition and loving support. Don't give yourself a hard time. You deserve help. Go to the doctor.

Good luck x

[G2B]

Thanks Lissie, it's awful you've been through it, but I'm so glad there's someone other than me who understands how I feel!! Wish the doctors was open tomorrow, i just feel like I'm ready to say it all now and I'm worried by Monday I'll be kidding myself everything's fine again. I'm so embarressed of myself and there's a big family do tomorrow night that I need to go to and everyone's excited about seeing DS. I'm looking forward to it as I love these dos, but I'm dreading it because the thought of talking to people face to face just terrifies me at the moment. Mind you, so does talking on the phone, I won't take calls. I also worry that people will look at me and think 'yuck, why's she here? She looks horrendous'.

[Habbibu]

PND is an illness, G2B. It's not a personality fault, it's something that happens, sadly, to many women who have done nothing at all to deserve it. If you'd broken your leg, you wouldn't be failing by going to the doctors to get it fixed, even if some other people don't have legs (if that analogy makes sense). My best friend had pretty bad PND, and is a spectacularly good mother, with a tremendously happy little girl - you can and will get through this. NeuroticLady's thread is just great, and may help you. Keep talking.

[OracleInaCoracle]

print off this thread. do you have a number for the hv?

[G2B]

Sorry, cross posted.

Habbibu, that analogy actually makes a lot of sense.

Is there any chance the GP will misconstrue it as me not loving my baby or not being a fit mother? Because I love him more than anything, and I do do my best for him, it's just that I feel I'm not good enough. I don't want social services involved or anything as it's not to do with the baby.