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Do I cut my Dad out of my life? - could be long, sorry

(19 Posts)
OurHamsterisevil Fri 15-Aug-08 15:09:38

I can't go into huge detail with this or it would go on forever so I will trry and do a summary.

3 years ago my Dad and Brother set up a business together. My Dad put in all the money, but DB put in all the hard work, making contacts, he worked at the business FT while my Dad still had another job so just popped in here and there. When the business was set up they signed acontract making them partners 50/50.

DB decided to leave the business 2 months ago as he had bee ntreated like an employee by my Dad and was sick of it. The problem is my Dad sees it as his company cos he put the money into it and can't see that my brother should be paid money to resign his directorship.
Since DB left the company my Dad had the locks changed so he couldn't access the building (bear in mind he is still a director). DB then gained access and took away some items of value to make sure he does not walk away with nothing. Since this event my dad has called the police (they told DB he shouldn't have forced entry to the building but had done nothing wrong). He threatend to knock DB's head off, and
is now threatening legal action to get bax kthe company property, whcih DB has every right to have in his posession anyway.

I wrote my Dad a letter after the police incident to say that I was upset and angry that he could treat his own child this way, and that he was tearing our family apart. He has not bothered to respond to me. Now with the legal threats I can't take any more of this. I had already decided that I wouldn't speak to him or see him for a while (not difficult as I live 2hrs away from him), but now it is DS1's birthday and he has sent a card and money, making me need to decide whether to send it back or not and say to stay out of my life until he has sorted himself out and apologised to DB.

Part of me thinks why should my children suffer from this, but the other part says, Do I want my children to have a relationship with a man who could treat his own child in this way.

THank you for reading if you have got this far.

Dropdeadfred Fri 15-Aug-08 15:11:43

Hmmm..difficult. I dont think I would return bday cards or gifts for you dc though. Is he a good grandparent...what is going on with him and your DB sounds very sd and complicated but i don't see why it should affect his relationship with your dc.

JumpingDizzy Fri 15-Aug-08 15:12:30

What a sad state of affairs sad

How is your relationship with your dad?

JumpingDizzy Fri 15-Aug-08 15:13:14

agree with dropdeadfred re: your dd.

OurHamsterisevil Fri 15-Aug-08 15:15:33

He is not a good GP. He only sees them if I make a massive effort to see him, and only for about an hour, maybe once every couple of months. My Mum, they are divorced by the way, sees them all the time. I do go down and visit at least once a month and don't see him every time I am down there. He is good with my DC when he sees them its just like he can't be arsed

OurHamsterisevil Fri 15-Aug-08 15:17:56

JumpingDizzy I have always been a total Daddys girl , though he has never deserved it, which is why I am finding this so hard. Because I'm a parent I just don't understand how anyone could do that to their own child

JumpingDizzy Fri 15-Aug-08 15:22:26

Well you've written what more can you do? You need to think if it'll make you feel better to cut him out of your life? If it's out of loyalty to your brother maybe you need to talk to him first? Have you tried ringing your dad? Try not to be to confrontational though and hear his side. But that's up to you at the end of the day. I just find getting worked up never gets you anywhere.

OurHamsterisevil Fri 15-Aug-08 15:27:46

I don't think I can call my Dad as I will end up in tears. It is out of loyalty to DB that I'm doing it, he agrees that I shouldn't talk to him.

THe problem is I don't know what will make me feel better, apart from my Dad stopping acting like a total prick. I know my Dads side of the story anyway from mym Mum who stayed impartial for a long time, she knows her son isn't perfect either, so believed at lot of rubbish my Dad told her, however she is now incredibly angry with him too.

I suppose there is no easy answer to this.

JumpingDizzy Fri 15-Aug-08 15:30:05

Sometimes it's better to do nothing when you're unsure? If you'll end up in tears you obviously love your dad very much. Can you text or email? I think you need to make him contact you although I think he'll be feeling awkward?

OurHamsterisevil Fri 15-Aug-08 15:37:09

Thank you JumpingDizzy you are right I do need to make him speak/write to me and explain himself or something. THe fact that he hasn't bothered to reply to my concerns shows a lack of regard to my feelings. I did think about writing or emailing him again, but didn't know if I should bother after last time not seemign to make any difference. Maybe I should give it another go

JumpingDizzy Fri 15-Aug-08 15:42:40

How was your letter phrased? Was it accusing? Did you keep a copy?
Your dad's obviously not perfect and one of his flaw's could be arrogance? I may be wrong? Doesn't mean he doesn't love you though and he will have good points? I just think it's sad when families totally split over one's behaviour. I doubt you'll change him but if not having him in your life will make you sad then try to salvage this for you and your dd. In my opinion of course wink

Jux Fri 15-Aug-08 15:48:07

Actually, I don't think is your business. No one has asked you to get involved (or have they?). Your bro and your dad are both grownups. Keep out of it, lest you make the situation worse.

JumpingDizzy Sat 16-Aug-08 11:12:57

how are you ourhamster?

TinySocks Sat 16-Aug-08 12:33:12

What a pitty, for your father to be more interested in the money than the relationship with his son.
And to have treated him so ufairly business-wise.
If I were in your situation, I would find it very difficult to do what Jux is suggesting (to keep out). For goodness sake, the man called the police!
Can you stay close to both your brother and your father? I couldn't.

lilacbloom Sat 16-Aug-08 12:37:10

Just send a thankyou card from your daughter and leave it at that.

OurHamsterisevil Sat 16-Aug-08 21:18:05

Thanks for the replies everyone. Yes tinysocks is hard to keep out when it is people you love very much. My Mum just told me it isn't my battle although she knows how I feel as she feels the same. I had pretty much decided to send the cheque back that DS1 got for his birthday, but am now reconsidering.

THank you for asking how I am Dizzy. I'm really feeling very upset and trying to keep it out of my mind which is almost impossible. To ansewr your questions, my letter wasn't accusing as such. I more just told him I was upset that he was doing this to the family, as it does affect everyone, not just my Brother. I know my Dad loves me and he does have some good points, but at this point in time I just can't get past his current behaviour. I really don't want to not have a Dad, but until he treats my Brother in a better way I can't have a proper realtionship with him. Thati s why it is so upsetting for me. I just wonder what I'm going to do if he doesn't improve the way he is acting

lilacbloom Sat 16-Aug-08 21:41:29

Just put the following in the card.

Dear Grandad Evil (or whatever his surname is, this is a must as it is less personal)
Thankyou for my birthday money of £xx, I have put it in my bank account.

No mention of you, and a polite note from ds1. Bottom line is, it is your childs money not yours.
Easier said than done, good luck.

OurHamsterisevil Sat 16-Aug-08 22:11:28

Thanks Lilac, it is Ds's money and I think I need to remember that.

JumpingDizzy Sun 17-Aug-08 11:22:36

I hope your dad sees sense soon OH.

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