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PILs treating GCs differently - has anyone had it out with their Parents / PILS?

(32 Posts)
blueskythinker Fri 15-Aug-08 14:04:34

I am so pissed off at the moment. My PILs haven't bothered with my DCs for a couple of months. Any time we have asked for any help in the past, we are made to feel that it is a massive hassle - to the point where we don't ask for help anymore.

My DH has 2 sisters, who have children of similar ages, but slightly older. What really annoys me is that my PILs bend over backwards for them, and look after their kids at a moment's notice, for trivial things, yet when we really really need help (like today when I was due to work and my kids are vomiting everywhere)- it is too much trouble. We all live close to our PILs. I think the underlying issue is that my SILs don't get on with my DH (and me by association) and that my PILs are taking sides - even though we have never discussed the tension with them.

Anyway, I want my DH to ask his parents why they treat our children so unequally. Has anyone any experience of doing this? How did it work out?

lilymolly Fri 15-Aug-08 14:11:30

No experience of this
But if it where me I would very politely and calmy discuss this with them and find out if they are even aware of what they are doing.
Make sure you demonstrate who this is more to do with ensuring the children have contact with them rather than them helping you out iyswim?

It will clear the air and hopefully resolve these issues

BlingLovin Fri 15-Aug-08 14:14:42

I had a friend who's mother got pg with him without being married - they were catholic. His parents then got married and had two more DCs. His grandparents never treated him the same as the two that had been born "in wedlock". It was awful for him. And embarrassing for his brother and sister when they got older.

tamarto Fri 15-Aug-08 14:16:02

What lilymolly said and also i'm not sure today would be a good example to use, i know i'd be happy to have healthy kids over to mind but would be far less willing to have ill children.

blueskythinker Fri 15-Aug-08 14:21:40

We do try to maintain contact, but an example was my DH brought our kids round to see them for a prearranged visit on Sunday (he was the one who initiated contact). During the visit, MIL kept saying things like ''Have you not been in contact with your sisters?' Then changing the subject when he said 'yes, we had dropped birthday presents round, but had not had any acknowledgement. She then disappeared to do the washing up, and FIL started to do the hoovering hmm.

SIL arrived round with her DC after my DH had been there for 45 mins, said 'could you look after them, we are off to do some shopping', then left. PILs were then all over the other GCs.

I know we can't force them to be more involved, but at the same time I am not inclined to stand gladly by whilst they treat our children so differently.

barbiehouse Fri 15-Aug-08 14:23:31

don't a lot of gps feel closer to daughters children than sons' though? could it just be that? In the same way that some mums feel their children are more 'theirs' than their dps

blueskythinker Fri 15-Aug-08 14:25:28

I know, who wants sick children? However they do it for the other GC. When DH phoned in desperation this morning, they couldn't do it because they were looking after both SILs children (4 in all!).

Thankfully, we have a very sweet 87yr old neighbour, who stepped in for a couple of hours this morning.

lilymolly Fri 15-Aug-08 14:27:50

Do you think that you could be a little sensitive about you pil?

My m and d and pil both just get on with housework/hoovering etc when we are around.
Life just goes on, does not stand still cos we are there with dd iyswim?

Sounds a bit like tit for tat with regard to the sisters also tbh- what has it got to do with your pil if your sil does not acknowledge gifts.
PIL may be embarrassed about their dd action hence changing the subject.

IMHO Best to get this out in the air and clear everything up before it eats away at your family.
life is too short smile

lilymolly Fri 15-Aug-08 14:29:11

and there is no way they could have had you dc when they already have 4 ffs

That is just not fair to expect elderly people to look after 6 kids hmm

MatNanPlus Fri 15-Aug-08 14:34:10

By lilymolly on Fri 15-Aug-08 14:29:11
and there is no way they could have had you dc when they already have 4 ffs

That is just not fair to expect elderly people to look after 6 kids

hmm LilyMolly some how I don't think BlueSkyThinker knew the other 4 GC were there so that is hardly a fair comment.

lilymolly Fri 15-Aug-08 14:41:48

OP:
"yet when we really really need help (like today when I was due to work and my kids are vomiting everywhere)- it is too much trouble. "

all I was saying Mat was that I think it was unreasonable to expect the pil to look after them when they had 4 other children.

No need to bold letter me!!! shock

And yes it was a fair comment

lilymolly Fri 15-Aug-08 14:42:52

Christ I was only trying to offer another perspective on things

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Fri 15-Aug-08 14:48:18

yes i have it from the other side of things. my dd1 is 'the golden child' in our family, particularly with my nan. she is always there and is getting gifts off them i feel awafull for my sister as her dc's are just left. but at the same time cant really say much as i need my nans help with dd1 wrt clothes etc because im constantly struggliong and my sister gets a lot more support from her oh than i do.

tamarto Fri 15-Aug-08 14:49:20

lilymolly you are making sense. MNP she knew when she posted this.

I think it's hard when you have a strained relationship with someone to rationalise things, and everything seems unreasonable. I'm not saying op's pil are great, but i do feel they had every right to say no today.

LippyGobshite Fri 15-Aug-08 14:49:46

It sounds like you and your dh have discussed this one already - are you asking on behalf of your dh, how to approach his parents?

And if they already had the 4 gcs there there this morning then it is a lot to ask them to take on 2 vomitting children too.

Maybe they're very old fashioned and think that dh should look after his own family, and not rely on them? In which case, unjust though that is, you won't change their pov.

blueskythinker Fri 15-Aug-08 14:50:14

Lillymolly,
No, I didn't know they were looking after the other 4 kids today, and of course wouldn't expect them to look after my 2 sick kids on top of that. The issue, which to be fair, I hadn't really explained, is that any time we have ever asked for help, is that they make noises like 'well I suppose so, but we don't really help the others' which is, as today clearly shows, not the case. It is the untruthfulness of the thing that really gets to me.

One SIL has never paid for a day's childcare ever, because PILs look after her kids. (they wouldn't even come on holiday with us, just in case XXXX might need them to look after the GC). They looked after the other SIL's DC for 9 mnths, 2 1/2 days a week when her nanny was on mat leave - yet they claim they don't.

LucyJones Fri 15-Aug-08 14:56:04

At the end of th day it is what it is
There's no point making an issue of it because if they say 'ok we'll look after yopur kids more' you'll think they don't really want to
Just try to think of it as their loss
Bitterness can ruin your life
Leave it up to your dh to worry about, its his family after all

herbietea Fri 15-Aug-08 15:09:16

Message withdrawn

ladymariner Fri 15-Aug-08 15:18:19

sad herbietea, for your ds. The rotten cow...

keevamum Fri 15-Aug-08 15:19:47

Just had to add my sympathies really. I feel very much in the same boat. My MIL favours her other GC over my 2 dd's. I know it's tthe fact they are her daughter's kids over her son's but why does that make a difference? Can anyone shed light on this? I have been through lots of different emotions about this but am resigned to it now. It would be very interesting ton hear if anyione has ever succesfully resolved this.

MatNanPlus Fri 15-Aug-08 15:26:14

Very sorry Lilymolly, but i bold names of posters in my replies as i feel it shows respect and as i said, it was not known by BlueSkyThinker at the time they called, that the other GC were with the GP, that was only found out by accident when some help was asked for.

MatNanPlus Fri 15-Aug-08 15:28:00

When the GC are treated so differently were the parents treated similarly as children?

It seems to be that sons DC are pushed aside for daughters DC

LippyGobshite Fri 15-Aug-08 15:29:54

I think it's crap that they favour the other grandchildren, but asking anyone to look after 2 vomitting children is asking a lot.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Fri 15-Aug-08 15:32:16

i was my nanas clear favourite and now my dd1 is. though it all seems to be stopping now that my grandad has learned just how spoilt dd1 actually is. though it doesnt mean that my sisters dc's are getting more from them.

though i ask for help more than she does so that maybe why and she is very fussy wrt how they are cared for, im just gratefull for the break from and couldnt give two hoots that they are being filled full of fruitshoots and quavers. sister is always disppleased at the way her dc's are cared for when she is not there.

keevamum Fri 15-Aug-08 15:34:54

Yes in my case the parents were treated very differently too. As children my MIL absolutely doted on her son my DH and not on her daughter my SIL. Now as adults it's reversed and she dotes on SIL's children but one is a boy. It could be gender related I suppose. What are your children Blue sky?

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