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Very long, be patient.Fiance has begun lying to me. I don't know what to do :( Are we finished?

(59 Posts)
luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:31:37

I am a regular but lately I have posted a couple of times under this name as I seem to be having problems with my fiance who I always maintain is the best man ever, and I thought he was.

Background info: I posted a while ago saying that he avoided taking me to gatherings and had gone to a christening that day where he was to be God father but he made me feel so unwelcome I ended up not going when me and DS had got all dolled up ready. He said he was very depressed and he'd only go and show his face then come home. 13 hours later he returned pissed.

He rang me at some point and said he loved me and all this nice stuff and then stayed out even longer. He always says how much he loves me when he's drunk and then he takes the piss and stays out too long.

The next week, I found out from a girl that he had been out afterwards with 3 of his mates, 1 of his mates girlfriends and this particular random girl who had turned up unexpectedly at our son's christening. I was furious about this as he'd told me no girls would be going out with them, no one was taking their girlfriends and I'd be out of place and sat with loads of lads.

DP has been a player in his past life, and I was a big flirt and dressed slutty in all honestly, but I was only 21 when we met, and |I settled down immediately and never flirted or dressed slutty again. He made it obvious straight away that he'de been cheated on and treated very badly by his ex fiance, and so he wouldn't tollerate me cheating or even being around other men. I sort of said this was ok as long as the same applied to him- he wasn't to associate with girls anymore. There were potentially a lot of people who could have caused problems as we both sort of had plenty of people on the go. But it all stopped immediately. My ex started txting me and DP went mad, even though I told my ex not to get in touch again, and that was the end of it.

We were totally in love and when we'd been together 4 months we got engaged. It was the right thing to do- we love each other very, very much and we get on well with each other's family's. We treat each other very well and my parents love him. I got pregnant at the same time we got engaged and we have a beautiful baby now, and we're a happy family.

However, since when I got pregnant, he stopped wanting sex despite having been practically a sex addict before, and since we've had the baby he doesn't often want it- I sort of get rejected a lot. He says this is due to working hard, being tired, and having the baby.

We've never lied to each other and things have never been tainted in any way. However, he gave up smoking after we'd been together a month and I HATE smoking. I also don't want him to be a smoking dad. Yet it turns out he has been smoking secretly at work. I caught him out last night. He has me run a bath for him for when he gets in from work- and now I know why! Something happened and he didn't end up having a bath straight away. We were sort of cuddling and play fighting and stuff when I smelt his hand and realised he'd been smoking. I was in a quiet mood all night and it was upsetting him. When we went to bed he kept trying to make conversation and he never usually does, he likes to sleep because he works early. So this morning, he seemed to want sex and I said no for the first time ever. He said that I obviously had someone else lined up and he said I'd gone off him. I said I was tired.

Then I said I'd been awake all night and upset. He said 'because I'm you're failure?'

When he went to work I txtd him and started asking questions about when he'd been out that night with the lasses and he went mad saying I don't trust him. I told him that my trust had been shaken because everytime I;ve mentioned him smoking he's gone off his head saying that I don't trust him and how could I think that about him and all this stuff. Which is exactly the same as if I asked if he'd cheated or anything else. So how am I meant to know what's lies and what's truth?

He told me to stay at my mum until I could trust him. I said ok. So he got even more upset.

In the end we sorted it all out and he's not going to smoke and he's not going to lie and keep things from me and he's going to stop being in a bad mood all the time and try to get things back on track.

But I'm worried that if he's lied to me about smoking when he was so adament he hadn't smoked and he made me feel so terrible and like I was a paranoid untrusting ridiculous woman, then when he makes me feel paranoid and stupid and nasty for not trusting him and asking if he's cheated, is he lying when he gets all shouty and defensive?

I'm just all lost.

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:32:18

Oh and we're due to get married in a few months. It's booked and paid for.

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:33:24

Oh and I'm not allowed to wear short skirts, or have any time to myself incase I cheat, and if I went out with a group of lads and lasses he'd probably never forgive me, which he's already admitted. As he says women and men cannot have platonic relationships..

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:35:42

Sorry to keep adding bits but the other day he slipped up and said something about being a player and flew of the handle and said I'm always accusing him of things when I picked up on it.

But today after he's been caught smoking he's being all lovey dovey, saying he loves me and he's sorry for lying and he won;t do it again.

SilkCutMama Thu 14-Aug-08 12:35:56

On the one hand I want to tell you to "get rid" because he sounds like a bit of an idiot but I know that's quite an easy thing to say on here

On a more costructive note - what do you want to happen?
Do you REALLY think this is going to end well?

Here's a hug for you just in case you need it >>>>>>huuuug<<<<<<<

TheProvincialLady Thu 14-Aug-08 12:36:29

Well for heavens sake don't marry him. Cancel the wedding for the time being at the very least - you will lose less in deposits etc than you will when you get divorced. If your relationship is like this now then it is not going to magicaly improve in the next few months. IF you think it is wort fighting for then get yourselves down to relate as soon as possible. Good luck.

MadameCastafiore Thu 14-Aug-08 12:36:59

He is controlling you - do not marry this man - do not marry any man who tells you what to do or says you can't be friends with who the hell you want to be friends with and wear what you ewant you are a grown up.

The getting upset is just another way of him controlling you too - you then feel ooohhhh poor him he really does love me it is me who is being mean and hoorid and making me cry - believe me I have been married to DH for 2 years after being with XH for 7 and I have never been so happy - XH did exactley what your DP does and I rule the day I ever laid eyes on him.

cocolepew Thu 14-Aug-08 12:37:49

He says men and women can't have platonic relationships but yet he goes on nights out where there are 'lasses'. Is it one rule for him and one for you?

Mamazon Thu 14-Aug-08 12:38:16

your "not allowed"

hmm to say i would prefer you not to wear that particular skirt as it loks a little slutty, or it makes me feel uncomfortable when you speak to other one thing. to say your not allowed to wear something is wrong. imho.

I am afraid you need to sit down and have a very long and serious chat about what is going on in your relationship.

It's ok to settle down and become a slightly more sedate version of your former single self but you should not have to alter your personality due to something his ex did.

I think he has tried to curb his flirtng ways and is finding it hard..especially when out drinking with his friends. im not saying he has cheated or that he ever would..i do not know him. but i do think that you need to discuss what is going on.

nervousal Thu 14-Aug-08 12:38:52

I wouldn't be so worried re the smoking - its the bit about neither of you being allowed to have friends of the opposite sex that I think is downright weird. If neither of you trust each other to have opposite sex friends how can a relationship ever work??

ruty Thu 14-Aug-08 12:39:12

well i'm sorry to say that it doesn't sound like the right way to start a marriage. You can't go through with a marriage just because it is booked and paid for. Your baby is more of a reason to stay together than a booked wedding. If you want to make it work maybe try Relate and book both of you in for some counselling sessions. doesn't seem to be much trust between you and maybe you can both work on that.

Only you know if it is worth working hard to keep the family together. Good luck.

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 12:40:32

seriously - if this is how your relationship is now when you are still freshly in love how do you envisage it to be in 5 yrs or 10 years time....?

sort out your expectations of each other before getting married, whether it is booked and paid for or not

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:41:24

I do love him so much and I know he loves me and these things have happened over a long period. He's older than me and that's quite obvious in our different attitudes in RL IYSWIM

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:42:47

Also, I think another significant point is that his mum is exactly like this. Her H can't talk to the opposite sex, he isn't even allowed out of her sight. In fact, their relationship has the faults I've mentioned in ours but magnified by millions.

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 12:43:23

unfortunately being in love with someone is not always enough, despite wat our hearts would like us to believe.

Respect and trust are equally important...

SilkCutMama Thu 14-Aug-08 12:43:34

lm - I can tell from your response that you will indeed marry this man. I fear that nothing we say will make you change the path the you are on

I hope it ends better than I fear it will

Good luck

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 12:44:18

so you don't need a magic looking glass to see how your relationship could be...

milknosugar Thu 14-Aug-08 12:44:45

you both sound very controlling. you should not dictate to each other who you can see, what you can wear and whether or not you can smoke. i realise you are angry because he lied but why does he feel the need to hide stuff from you? im not saying he is more in the right than you, he isnt. but it sound to me like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. you sound like you both need to grow up a bit and understand a bit more about each other before making any more major commitments.

MegBusset Thu 14-Aug-08 12:44:59

I don't think the smoking is a HUGE deal but the lack of trust certainly is. To be in a relationship where neither person is allowed to have contact or be friends with the other sex is really unhealthy. I would really think that some kind of couples counselling is called for.

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 12:45:05

Hmmm.I'm not sure why you posted originally unless you were hoping for peopleto tell you the eaxct opposite to what we have. Good Luck..

Mamazon Thu 14-Aug-08 12:45:22

being in love doesn't mean he is going to treat youas you deserve.

My ex loved me i have no doubt. I believe he still does. but i was in an extremely violant relationship.

Im sorry but love isn't enough in rl

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:45:33

I just need some insight from other people IYSWIM. I need to get some perspective. I feel the problems need sorting now before we can carry on.

luvlymummy Thu 14-Aug-08 12:47:14

And I do need to hear all this negative stuff because I'm worried I have rose tinted glasses on and I need to take them off before we can move forward or even think of getting married.

ihatehimsomuch Thu 14-Aug-08 12:47:27

I know I'm in no position to give you advice, but I'm going to.

don't end up being me. It will ruin your life.

MegBusset Thu 14-Aug-08 12:48:02

It doesn't sound very rose-tinted to me. If you want me to be really honest then it sounds like a miserable way to be in a relationship.

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