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Help -MIL destroying me

(14 Posts)
flipit Mon 14-Feb-05 20:32:21

I'm sure this will be just another MIL gripe but I'd love your opinion anyway.

My MIL is a widow who had a very unfulfilled marriage and appears very bitter about life in general. She does have arthritis, the constant pain I'm sure contributes to her generally negative view on life.

MIL fine with me until I married dh and then things seemed to go down hill. MIL began saying very negative things about my family to me and denying this later. She made me feel very unwelcome in her home - the result of which lead to me rarely visiting. She is openly critical about me not being like her friends DIL's and has told DH that he has never lived up to what she expected as a son.

3 weeks before our first child was born she visited and told dh that he would be a useless father and had never been the same after meeting that "bXtch" (me.) At the time we tried to be understanding and thought that she was feling threatened by the new baby perhaps. Since then she has called my dd a freak of nature and "not normal" (dd's quite advanced and very tall and often won't comply with "gran".)

Ever since she has regularly thrown wobblers with DH leaving him quite low and depressed. She has threatened suicide and has alienated herself from my family and what few friends she has by being openly rude.

I used to feel quite sorry for her but these constant games are getting me down.

We have recently found out that my dear father is terminally ill and she has even managed to make this situation worse by griping about how much time we spend with him and demanding dh sees her. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and she's doing my head in.

Sometimes I question why we keep allowing her to put us through this hell. Dh keeps hoping she will change and I don't son want to perpetuate the evil DIL myth by asking him to cut contact with her.

Am I being selfish?

ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill Mon 14-Feb-05 20:35:31

Selfish - god no. I don't know how you put up woth this women. Why should you have to put up with this especially seeing as you are pregnant and the sad news about your dad (hugs to youxxx).

Give her an ultimatum - she is either nice to you or you cut contact, simple!

I honestly feel so sorry for you. Sorry for speaking out of turn but she sounds like a complete bitch

fuzzywuzzy Mon 14-Feb-05 20:35:59

How old is she?? Sounds like my grandmother although we found that she's actually gradually going senile. I'm sorry you're going through this.

WideWebWitch Mon 14-Feb-05 20:38:53

Nope, you're not. I'd stop seeing her and I'd probably openly confront her too and tell her that unless she was civil she wasn't welcome in my house. She sounds unbearable, don't let her stop you seeing as much as you want of your father either And no wonder your dd doesn't respect her, she hasn't behaved in decent way and hasn't earned it. Poor you. What a bitch.

WideWebWitch Mon 14-Feb-05 20:39:21

my last words were about Her, not you btw!

Dior Mon 14-Feb-05 20:41:17

Message withdrawn

MunchedTooManyMarsLady Mon 14-Feb-05 20:45:38

All of my in-laws are awful to me. Except that I have no contact with them anymore and so I'm not bothered. I told my DH that he could see them whenever he wanted but that I didn't want to and why. None of them show any interest in my children but to be honest I don't think that I would want my kids exposed to the selfish nastiness of them all.

Cut her out, that's what I think. Maybe I'm too negative, but unless as said before it is due to senility or illness, they don't change. Whose loss will it be? Certainly not yours. Here's hoping for change, but hell and frozen come to mind. (Sorry, gets me every time).

shrub Mon 14-Feb-05 20:54:05

I would very calmy without telling her begin to slowly disengage and distance yourselves from her. when she does make contact or dh makes the weekly phone call and she starts manipulating you and playing the victim make the point of not responding to her comment(s). just point blank refuse to react either by silence or by keeping the conversation positive and cutting it short. you will start to recognise when she begins pressing those buttons that usually get you and your dh worked up and just say 'sorry i have to go, someones at the door/we are just about to go out etc' . also reduce the information you give out to her so she has no ammunition to further manipulate you. i'm sorry she is being such a bag but she is a grown woman and she could seek help. some people don't want to get better or they seek attention in the most destructive way possible which is affecting your happiness and your future. this is your time now. no guilt! just begin to look forward to your own lives and begin to put a bit of a healthy distance between you. good luck and concentrate all your energy to the rest of your pregnancy and being there for your dad xx

flipit Mon 14-Feb-05 21:45:59

Thank you all for helping me make some sense of what is going on here. My MIL is only 66 and is a bright, intelligent woman who could be getting so much out of her life. I can't understand how she can actively try and sabotage her own sons life - it kind of goes against all I feel and believe in as a mother.

Dh is a kind, thoughtful man who is a great Dad and has few of his mother's traits fortunately! Even he struggles with her constant attention seeking behaviour and tears over her "poor lot" in life.

Dior, shrub, MTMML, Blossom and waterwitch - I will stick to the advice and stop rising to her taunts, perhaps she will finally realise that she can't get to DH by destroying us.

Thanks and take care guys

ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill Mon 14-Feb-05 21:48:27

Just feel that you have enough on your plate at the moment and could really do without all of this. I do really feel for you xxx

Evesmama Mon 14-Feb-05 21:52:07

mil very similar..we severed all ties..best thing we ever did!

lucy5 Mon 14-Feb-05 22:00:58

My fil same and what finally did it for us was the lack of acknowlegement odd. He didnt know her name and for a while used to call her he. I stopped being dutiful daughter in law and dh soon followed suit. With hindsight I realise that it was me holding this destructive relationship together. Infact I cut contact with all bar 2 of dh siblings (hes one of seven) and our lives are much simpler and more stress free tthan they have ever been. Well thats a bit of an exageration but we dont have dhs mental family to contend with anymore.

lucy5 Mon 14-Feb-05 22:01:24

meant of dd not odd.

pinkroses Tue 15-Feb-05 04:03:54

flipit....sorry to say but she will never change. I had exactly the same problem with my MIL. SHe pushed me over the edge and I had to fight back for the sake of my kids. Don't let her ruin your life.

ps...sorry about your dad. Your MIL should realise just how precious life is.

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