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Am I so wrong to just want a cuddle and a kiss now and then?

(7 Posts)
makeorbreak Wed 13-Aug-08 14:08:34

I am not sure if maybe it's me or dp. We have been together 13 yrs and he has never been one for cuddles really but the thing is I am. I love cuddles, kisses, holding hands and romance. I am not disillusioned (is that the correct word?) to think that after all these years of course the romance dies but honest all I want is to cuddle up on the sofa now and then.
When I question him his answer is that is who he is and I should accept it. I said to him it's not as if I am asking for the world just a cuddle now and then. Not just when we are having sex.
On the whole he is great but this one thing is so big to me and as much as I try I can't shake off the feeling of almost rejection. I did open up to my mum yesterday and she said she finds it strange and that he should want to not be told to iykwim.
I see myself even thinking of meeting someone else which is insane but that's how unhappy it is making me

makeorbreak Wed 13-Aug-08 15:36:23


JessJess3908 Wed 13-Aug-08 16:44:33

YANBU - A life without cuddles would make me very sad too.

witchandchips Wed 13-Aug-08 16:52:00

YANBU but cuddling naturally is something that you can't do to order so your dp is NBU either.
He needs to understand that you feel rejected without cuddles and you both need to think of ways that he can learn how to be physically close in a non sexual way.

Kally Wed 13-Aug-08 18:34:02

If you cuddle him does he push you away or what?

KnockOffNorbert Wed 13-Aug-08 18:52:07

Glad I copied and pasted this before PC crashed! :

My DH is the same - says he just isn't romantic. It sucks (alot) but in a way you have to accept it , in the way that maybe he will find it hard to initiate it ... well, not accept it as such. I just try and be really open with DH, asking for a cuddle/kiss/snuggle on sofa and time to time I remind him/tell him (!) that it means alot to me and if he can try abit more. Generally we meet some sort of middle ground, but he does need kicking up the backside alot! But I really know how upsetting it can be, but I don't know any other ways of 'curing' it. It feels to me like he really can't love me if it isn't natural for him to be affectionate and it does cause alot of arguements.

beaniebaby25 Wed 13-Aug-08 18:52:16

I had the same thing with my DP. We were together for two years, and during that time he was never very openly affectionate, i knew he loved me altho he didnt say it very often, but i just kind of accepted that was the way he was and learned to squish the sad feeling when we sat apart on the sofa, he didnt hug me when we met up, that sort of thing. Anyway, after the two years, we went through a funny patch and broke up (many factors but mainly his decision). I then realised how he didnt meet my needs in that way and how i had subconsciously resigned myself to receiving less affection, even though i still wanted it. After three weeks apart, he realised what he'd lost and we had talks and tried again.

And when we got back together, the change in him was unbelievable. He was really affectionate, told me he loved me spontaneously, cuddles, kisses, even wants to sleep cuddled up now whereas before he always wanted 'his own space' in bed when sleeping. He told me that during that time apart he really analysed the way he was and why he was responsible for the break up etc, and realised that his (non)relationship with his dad had caused a strange detatchedness (if thats a word) about him and a reluctance to want to commit emotionally. He had felt all those things (like love etc) before but hadn't allowed himself to let it out or show it, IFKWIM.

Of course this is all very cod-psychology and its just what we've talked about and 'worked out' between us. But he's still this new man nearly two years on, and it's like a light has been switched on. Or the 'emotion' switch. Not that it was awful before but not healthy in my eyes. I felt he could be quite cold, but not anymore.

I'm guessing some sort of break up/time apart might not be appropriate in your case if you have DCs for instance (we don't) and i fully realise that my situation was rather different but i suppose i just wanted to share my experience and say that it doesn't necessarily mean that's the way he'll be forever. I don't think 'a leopard never changes his spots' always applies, especially when talking about emotions/feelings and their expression.

You're not unreasonable to want hugs, you need to feel cared about by your partner.


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