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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is your dh/dp supportive re you and dc?

33 replies

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:08

I mean, if a dc of yours had to go to hospital appointments now and again, would he come with you? And if you had a health scare, e.g. found a lump, would he come with you then. Just wondering whether other dh/p alter work commitments to support their other halves in this way.

OP posts:

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olympicsnotfederer · 12/08/2008 20:09

yes, yes and yes

is everything ok ppl?

onepieceoflollipop · 12/08/2008 20:10

Mine would. Not necessarily every appt, but if it was a first appt, or important/significant in some way then he would try to.

However we are fortunate in that we both work fairly locally and his job in particular is quite flexible.

I guess for some people it may be extremely difficult for a dp/dh to take time off.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 12/08/2008 20:11

Yes to all, we both work from home so very flexible

2point4kids · 12/08/2008 20:12

My DH wouldnt normally.
He works a long way away and it is hard for him to get time off.
BUT if I asked him to come with me and told him it was important to me that he came for a certain appontment I was worried about, he would make every effort possible to come in that instance.

expatinscotland · 12/08/2008 20:12

He takes DD1 to appointments.

I wouldn't expect him to go to mine, tbh, because our children are not in school yet and someone needs to look after them if either of us needs to go to the doctor (we have no one to look after them but us).

But he'd alter his shifts to look after the girls - he does already when I go to my midwife checks, for scans, etc.

I understand this can be very difficult for some who are self-employed, particularly in this economy.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:12

Not great. He is self-employed and when ds2 had some important hospital appts he didn't come with me - my mum came to support me instead. Also when I had to see breast consultant he didn't come. He doesn't even try to change meetings etc. Felt quite down about it really .

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twoluvlykids · 12/08/2008 20:13

no, cos my dh "hates hospitals". well, don't we all.....he only just managed to remain for births!!!

2point4kids · 12/08/2008 20:14

Sorry that you feel down pp.
Did you ask him to come with you?
Perhaps he assumed you were fine to go without him if you didnt ask?

onepieceoflollipop · 12/08/2008 20:15

prudence do you feel that it is because he doesn't care or is it possible that he really needs to put the hours in at work at the moment?

Have you been able to talk to him about it?

Really sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:15

Maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable then. I wasn't so bothered about mine but I would have liked him to be there for ds who was having a tough time.

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expatinscotland · 12/08/2008 20:15

I guess it would depend on how self-reliant you are, too.

I've always been a very independent person.

I have gone to all my antenatal appointments on my own, even when I was going to have a missed miscarriage diagnosed.

Someone has to look after the girls.

I have to go to hospital alone to give birth.

Again, someone has to look after the girls.

expatinscotland · 12/08/2008 20:16

DD1 has SN. She does have a lot of appointments. It's not possible for him to go to every one, unfortunately.

He is the chief breadwinner and needs to do well at work.

Tortington · 12/08/2008 20:17

if he could and it wasn't short notice i am certain he would

Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 20:18

No, I would never expect my DP to come with me to a hospital appointment, either for me or for our daughter, and I never go with him to the doctor/hospital appointments. He sometimes takes the children to the doctor on his own, if their mother isn't available.

I gave birth on my own and that was fine.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:18

He's not the easiest person in the world to discuss it with. Think he would have come if I'd asked but it could have been a big deal and he'd probably have huffed and puffed. I'm not very confident (he knows that) and I would have thought he could have made an effort. Financially things are not too bad and half a day here and there would not have made a huge difference.

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MissKubelik · 12/08/2008 20:18

yes my DH would rearrange work commitments - but he does have a supportive boss and rarely has to take time off work otherwise, so it wouldn't cause much of a problem.

SNoraWotzThat · 12/08/2008 20:18

prudencepinkleg I make 98% of hospital and doctors appointments with dcs, on my own, without DH, always have. We both work, it is easier for me to do it. Doesn't mean he doesn't care. I also went with a friend for breast screening as her DH couldn't due to work.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:22

It's not really routine stuff that I'm talking about. I wouldn't expect him to come to doctor appointments, but these were when ds2 was having bad behavioural problems and had to see paediatrician and clinical psychologist and ds1 also had to be involved too. I would have at least hoped I could ask him and got an understanding response, even if it was a no.

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Heated · 12/08/2008 20:22

I go into briskly practical mode so generally don't have dh by my side at hospital appointments - I figure he'll have to be off when I am ill/getting treatment. If I said I need you to be there, he would be though. He'd be there for the dcs like a shot.

PPL, have you said, "I would like you to be there" or "I need you to be there"?

expatinscotland · 12/08/2008 20:23

You might not see a half day here and there as a big deal, but a self-employed person who needed to support the entire family with their earnings might see it differently.

My DH is not even self-employed, but we'd be up shit creek in a concrete canoe if he lost his job.

twoluvlykids · 12/08/2008 20:24

SNWT is right - just coz he doesn't come with, doesn't mean he doesn't care.lots of men just can't deal with their loved ones being ill, whatever form it takes.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:26

So why can't we discuss it then like 2 adults? That is the bigger deal, I think, than him not coming. I feel anxious he'll get all stroppy with me (not nice).

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Heated · 12/08/2008 20:27

Also just wondering how much comfort would he be to you if you were conscious of him sighing & thinking he could be elsewhere? I think it's lovely and am a bit you have your mum by your side.

SNoraWotzThat · 12/08/2008 20:28

If it is a consultation, ie hospital, then yes it is ideal to be able to both hear the news first hand, both not always possible. If this care is continuing, and you want his support and you think the children do too, then you need to talk about this with him and explain how you feel. Do you feel you have to take all the responsibility for the decisions you have to make when you are there, because that is a lot to ask.

prudencepinkleg · 12/08/2008 20:32

My mum is fab . When I took ds2 to have ears checked at hospital that was fine and I wouldn't have expected him to come, but I did feel when we had so many difficult times with ds, and I had to go to a hospital I didn't know, him being with me would have meant a lot. But I would have always felt I was taking him away from something more important. I feel quite on my own with it all. He's not very understanding about these sort of things.

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