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absent M.I.L

(18 Posts)
Evesmama Mon 14-Feb-05 13:04:16

done previous threads about my mil(whose mask slipped the day after dd was born and as a result, we have no contact with her whatsoever)

now, sil(who claims to have been physically abused by her for years) has again started going round to visit her and it's becoming apparant that we(me, dp and dd) are the hot topic of conversation
she even had the cheek to ask why we moved from our last house as it was so beautiful(never said such a thing to our faces or at the time) with all its period features etc..truth is, both my mother and mil promised to help out with dd before she arrived and said i could go back to work and they would help look after her......
well guess what..that never happend and im only just talking to my own mum after their awful atitudes to us and the only reason we had to leave our beautiful 1930's 'grown up' house was because we couldnt afford it as i developed bad postnatal depression and couldnt face the thought of leavig dd with anyone(childminders or anyone really) after being let down so bad by the two of them.

aarrrghhhhhh, just so p**d off that she still gos round talking crap and making my life hell and i deeply regret that we had to leave our home and buy cheaper in this crappy area, just because i 'couldnt' go back to work

pinkroses Tue 15-Feb-05 23:20:35

Families are crap, aren't they!!! My mum tries to help by telling me how I do everything wrong and my MIL made my life hell when I had my dd. Just before I gave birth I was told that I should consider her feelings on how a baby will affect her, and I shouldn't think of myself during the birth, but how my MIL will feel pushed out by a new baby!!!!! The woman is nutty. The good thing is we do not talk to her now and we are a lot happier. I know that she will be calling me for everything....but at least my life is peaceful now. If your SIL speaks to you about talking to MIL or whatever, tell her to mind her own business. Only you know why you don't speak anymore.

Levanna Wed 16-Feb-05 01:46:34

Evesmama, my MIL's mask slipped the day after our DD2 was born too! Then SIL cornered me in my bedroom while I was trying to feed my day old child (and also trying to escape ranting MIL). So, we don't have anything to do with either of them anymore as after being given a few chances, they were still at it (there's a whole lot more to it, as I'm sure you can imagine).
Our lives are much happier now that we don't feel we have to pander to their self obsessed selfish attitudes, or verbal (nearing physical) abuse. They really are raving!
We have found it difficult at times, but you (and I ) are lucky to have our partners and beautiful children around us, and nothing else matters. Whatever they say and whatever they do, don't let them make you feel pissed off. You are lucky and happy, they are so obviously not.

Levanna Wed 16-Feb-05 01:49:38

....and, re your reference to not letting other people mind your LO (I know that feeling so, so well). Would you believe that all this bother with the outlaws was due to their refusal to accept my right to refuse to let them hold DD2 within hours of her birth? (I have a feeling you will be able to believe that!)

Chandra Wed 16-Feb-05 05:24:33

totally understand how you feel, my MIL is always bad mouthing me, making racist comments, and lately, asked DH to choose between her and me . Since then, we don't speak to her, and she has send SIL two times to tell us that she is still waiting for an appology. Can't believe she can be that brute! Unlike your MIL, mine claims DS belongs to her and demands to be consulted before any decision is made about DS, be it about a medicine he has to take or the University he may attend!

Evesmama Wed 16-Feb-05 08:31:01

glad to know im not alone here(sorry if that sounds selfish).
mil also 'informed' me that my dd and she would have a closer bond as grandmothers and granddaughters do!!!!!WTF!!
and after asking everyone to wait till following weekend before they came back round(this was asked on the sunday after i came out of hosp), she responded to an invite on the saturday by saying 'no', she was doing some washing!!...and so it began!!she said she had the right to drop in 'whenever' she wanted, call in after work etc(ofcourse that wouldnt interfere with tea, time with dp or babies bathtime would it..noooo)
and apparently, now, anyones welcome at her house!!why the hell should we go round to her after all the hurt she's caused..really put us through hell for the first 18 months of dd's life and i can never forgive her for that...im one of these people who cant understand why people are nasty and dislike me if i havent done anything to hurt them, quite a simple person, go out of my way to help and always the messenger, but inadvertantly get shot everytime

munnzieb Wed 16-Feb-05 08:48:36

(((((((big hugs))))))) EM, I didn't realise how nasty she was. what does DP feel about the situation?

Evesmama Wed 16-Feb-05 09:00:17

he feels even stronger about not contacting ehr, he ingnores her whenever we see her in supermarket etc and when i had a laspe in memory a week or so ago and wondered wether we should give her another chance he went off it..made me see sense..was okay about it but stupid sil is making things worse now and after all she said shes done to her its unbelievable

munnzieb Wed 16-Feb-05 09:22:17

yeah but u did have that big fall out with SIL so i'm not surprised she's stirring things a bit, did u make up with her in the end?

gotta get to work hon, will be on tonight at some point, if not def all avo tomorrow as my carpets are being done so we can have a good chat then.

Evesmama Wed 16-Feb-05 10:24:05

yeah, i bit the bullet and decided to be the bigger person just after new year(she was v.v.apologetic, but beginning to wish i hadnt botherd now!!)
think she realised if we left her then shed have no one, so got back in touch with that evil old hag! anybody better than no body??dont think so..anyway, they can both get there cauldren spoons out now cant they!!

Chandra Wed 16-Feb-05 10:44:42

Eavesmama, for many years I have been the one that remembers her birthday, try to solve her problems, doing design work for her(unpaid! ) and basically reminding DH that he has a mother as he is more than unlikely to remind it himself. I have only got abuse in return. At the end is HIS mother, and if that relationship hurts you (and in consequence damages your relationship with DH/or the stability of your child's environment), forget about the woman and the SIL.

I have tried to make up the things so many times
for mine, only to get to a stage that our marriage has been affected, I'm not sure if we can undo the damage, I continuosly have the word "divorce" in my mind . So, my advice would be to give priority to yourself and your little family and leave the inlaws to fend by themselves. Sorry if that's not useful

Evesmama Wed 16-Feb-05 21:37:32

it is thanks chandra, im feeling like i cant be botherd with sil more and more especially since she's stirring things now

pinkroses Wed 16-Feb-05 21:38:03

wow Evesmama, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. This sounds strangely like my MIL. DO you think they all get the same 'how to piss your DIL off' handbook when they reach a certain age!!!

You are better off without them...at tleast your DH is agreeing with the situation. It took my dh a long time to see how his mum was distroying us.

MarsLady Wed 16-Feb-05 21:48:03

Chandra you can undo the damage. My mil and sil (her dil) tried to cause nothing but trouble for me and my DH. It took years before he would stand up to her and tell her to back off. When the kids were born she commented on how good it was that they weren't too dark and was offended when I said that it was good that they weren't too light. She didn't come to see the children until they were about 2 weeks old and asked why I still looked pregnant. She visited once and told me how tired I looked and proceeded to stay 3 hours without doing a thing except moan about her life. SIL would come over to bitch about MIL then tell MIL that I wanted to do was to bitch about her. I cut them all out. I used to remember all the birthdays, anniversaries etc. One day I told DH that it was his responsibility. I was never invited over, he was especially if I wasn't about. When we went through a really rocky patch (and he ran home to mummy) she encouraged him to leave, never mind the fact that he 3 kids. She regularly accused me of trying to get between the two of them. In the end I told him to remember who he wanted to be sleeping next to or to get out. Because he knew that I was strong enough to be without him he chose (wisely I might add). As soon as I stopped seeing them life got better. There's more to life than pandering to selfish people. It's never too late. I'm sure that together you can put things right.

Evesmama Wed 16-Feb-05 21:48:40

i know, he's realised what shes like, and he also guessed his SIL was gonna go that way too!, its a shame though, cos we want to have a big family around dd, but we are the ones always doing the chasing to no avail!

Evesmama Wed 16-Feb-05 21:50:17

yeah, been told both by mil and sil that 'im the one' coming between dp and my dd!!!

Chandra Wed 16-Feb-05 22:57:45

Thanks MArsLady, this was my last round with MIL, and to be honest I have spent so many nights thinking if I would ever be able to trust DH again, can't even hug him or express love to him at the moment, I just feel indiferent. I'm giving myself sometime to see if things fall into place again but everytime MIL or SIL are mentioned (or SIL rings) all comes back again. I believe I have endured years of humilliation, and someway I was expecting that one day DH would stand for me and keep his mother at bay. Unfortunately, it was me who got to the breaking point first, finally I did defend myself and DS reluctantly supported me, just to be ready to go back to the same within two weeks... In front of me he blames his mother, in front of her mother he blames everything on me (no wonder this situation has been going on for years). I can not even trust him to stand by me in front of MIL even if I'm present .

Sorry for highjaking

Levanna Wed 16-Feb-05 23:43:44

Evesmama, I had the same dreams for my LO's about having a large family. But I had in mind a large supportive and kind family, not a pack of selfish, twisted, stirring dogs. DH and I have come to the realisation that in our case, it really is quality rather than quantity that counts. Apparently the cause of 18% of marriage break ups are attributed to in-law problems, this I can quite believe (in fact, surprised it's not more!). Following years of being messed about and malicious attempts on behalf of SIL and MIL to break us up, (they have both told him out right to leave me ) he has seen the light at last, despite that, our relationship will be continuing to recover for some time. Shall we start an Outlaw Group? Somewhere where us bad 'uns can offload our woes and seek solace.

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