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after the affair - looking for advice

(15 Posts)
Whyus Tue 12-Aug-08 17:53:05

I found out 2 weeks ago about a 5 week affair my husband had just ended - long story will post later.

Question: Is it normal to feel all shakey inside?

Mamazon Tue 12-Aug-08 17:55:30

of course it is.

Im astounded you are even together enough to ask.

will await further explanation of what is happening but didn't want you to go unanswered

Tortington Tue 12-Aug-08 17:56:39

ditto mamazon

sadfor you

AbricotsSecs Tue 12-Aug-08 18:14:50

Message withdrawn

Spidermama Tue 12-Aug-08 18:20:55

It's perfectly natural. It's a terrible, hurtful betrayal and you'll be trying to make sense of it.

My DH had a fling and then lied to me about it/kept it from me for two years. The healing of our relationship could only really begin once I knew all about it. I had to go back in my mind and re-write bits of my own story and take in so much new information.

Skip to the present day, we are pretty healthy and happy with our relationship. Affaires don;t have to mean the end of a relationship if you both want to make it work.

Whyus Tue 12-Aug-08 18:39:16

Thanks everyone.
It's a complicated story. Will prob post later today.
I'm just so shakey inside and a bit on the outside cause it's so unbelievable.
We have however decided to try and make it work and are starting counselling next week.

Spidermama Tue 12-Aug-08 18:42:44

Good luck Whyus.

Give yourself plenty of time and any time you need to pull back, go off on your own for a think, send him away, make sure you do it.

MyHeadIsSpinning Tue 12-Aug-08 18:45:28


Going through the same thing....although my DH isn't sure if he wants to make it work..blowing hot and cold. I'm not sure myself tho - not sure if I can forgive him.

I've known for about 3 mths, tried to make it work, kicked him out 3 weeks ago. Found out just over a week ago that it was a sexual relationship....still feel VERY shakey inside. It comes and goes. Feeling upbeat today but this can change in a matter of hrs...just go with the flow and make sure you take care of yourself x

Wishing you lots of luck over the coming weeks and months xx

muckypups Tue 12-Aug-08 19:15:28

Im still shaky and feel sick inside 2 months on. My husbands was an emotional affair that i lucklily found out about before it went any furthur. Still makes feel sick inside though.

I feel for, really i do. its the pits. Loads of hugs. It gets worse before it gets better xxxxx

muckypups Tue 12-Aug-08 19:38:39

One thing i can say that may help is that letting it all out on here, on mn, saved me. I have since name changed a people know who i am on here in real life as i posted my story then got friends to read it as i didnt feel i had the strength to talk about it face to face to friends without breaking down.

Theres just so many questions you will want ans too and so many feelings and stages you will go through. Mn has been great for me and i hope with all my heart it helps you to.

Im so close to tears now as i ca imagine the pain your feeling and its just so soul destroying. Take care xx

twoluvlykids Tue 12-Aug-08 19:44:27

it's perfectly normal to feel like shit & all shaky. a piece of advise - DO NOT make pictures in yur head of what went on, it'll just make it worse. stay strong,whatever YOU decide to do,not wha HE decides.

Hobnobfanatic Tue 12-Aug-08 19:49:45

There's a really good book called, I think, After the Affair. It's a Relate book. Have a look on amazon - there are other titles too.

Good luck - it's a tough time, but the shakiness will ease and it is possible to build a future together with the right help.

stirlingmum Tue 12-Aug-08 22:16:01

You feel shaky because you are in shock. What you have found out will have changed what you thought about your relationship and your h. Your h isn't the person you thought he was.

If you are like me, you probably aren't eating aswell - try to look after yourself - you will need the strength smile

And dont blame yourself!! You may find yourself thinking that you are in some way to blame - but you are not!!

I am 9 months down the line from finding out about my h's affair that lasted, probably, at least 12 months. It was quite intense and we are still a long way from making things right - but at least he is still here.

Keep posting - it does help!

muckypups Wed 13-Aug-08 08:03:30

How you feeling this morning Whyus? I doubt your sleeping much at the moment.

I second reading that book, i read one called i love you but im not in love with you and it really helped. Take care x

Whyus Wed 13-Aug-08 23:33:57

shakey this morning . went to the doctors. then went into the office. fortunately i've been on holidays for the last 4 weeks. woohoo great holidays.

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