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How would you feel if your DH/DP spent £2k on a credit card

(32 Posts)
Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:12:20

DH and I are in quite a bit of debt but are gradually paying it off. For the last year I have been recording our balances every month so I can see the money owed is getting less and less. Last night I noticed 2 receipts in our room for items paid for by a credit card of DHs. Neither item was very exciting (just a shirt and some vouchers for a friends wedding) but I was really angry with DH as it was paid for by a card I didnt know about. I asked him about it and he as good as said it was none of my business. I feel it is given we have joint finances like a mortgage, etc. I asked how much he owed and he kept saying he had no idea hmm so I have to be honest I did a little snooping. I found the said card in his wallet (the only credit card in there) and found out the balance from the automated phone line. It was almost £2k spent since Feb this year. I confronted him again to which he pretty much told me it was his business. I just feel so cheated by him. Every month I have been checking our credit card balances and we, yes that's both of us have been commenting on how well we are doing and all along he has been spending money behind my back. He has plenty of disposable income (way more than me) but also has expensive tastes and goes out alot. He is due to get a bonus in Sep and says he will pay it off with that but I dont think thats the point. I am more upset about the lying rather than the money itself (although I am not pleased about that).

What would you do?

I have to admit I also cut up the card and sprinkled it on his head whilst he lay in bed. May seem a bit far fetched but I ant trust him with this card in his wallet.

olympicsnotfederer Tue 12-Aug-08 12:14:26

I don't know where to start with this.

Do you have joint finances or do you not?

wannaBe Tue 12-Aug-08 12:16:26

I would be livid. Not so much about the money, but the lying, well the withholding of the information. Wtf has he spent 2 grand on?

And if he's lying about that, what else is he lying about?

maidamess Tue 12-Aug-08 12:16:33

If the card is in his name, and the payments come out of his sole account then I can see why he would say its his business.

If however, the card is in both your names and you pay the bill from a joint account, then it automatically becomes your business too.

Can he not see this?

I have to say tho, the image of you 'sprinkling' the card on his head while he slept made me chuckle!

Tortington Tue 12-Aug-08 12:18:35

dh = partnership no? i don't understand why running a household and joint finances therein has no business of yours?

it certainly does and your dh is being a selfish prick.

zippitippitoes Tue 12-Aug-08 12:19:29

it sounds like you have an agreement top keep money separate as you refer to his disposable income being a lot in relation to yours so if that is the way you work things then yes it is his business

thjo if you are married it is your business too as you would be liable jointly wouldnt you

Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:19:35

We have a joint account and separate accounts. All the house/food bills come out of the joint account. I am mat leave at the moment and not contributing to the joint account so I can eek out my mat leave money to take a full year off work with DS2. We have a mortgage and separate credit cards. However, we have jointly sat down to fill in the debt spread sheet (god I sound sad!) and both look at it monthly. We agreed not to spend any more on credit cards and both spend quite a bit every month on paying them off. Or at least I thought we did ..........

claricebeansmum Tue 12-Aug-08 12:20:41

Surely you must have wondered how he was financing his expensive tastes and going out alot?

wannaBe Tue 12-Aug-08 12:21:53

of course it's your business. You are married, therefore what's your's is his and what's his is yours, including his secret credit card unfortunately.

I really don't get this my money/your money that some people have, it just leads to issues like this one.

Unfortunately I imagine he'll be able to get a new credit card, but I'm interested in how he's managed to spend 2 grand on it - that's a hell of a lot of money in 6 months.

EyeballsintheSky Tue 12-Aug-08 12:25:16

I'm on the poor bit of mat leave too and I owe a bit on my credit card because of it. We have a joint pool of money, well puddle, and our own accounts. My credit card is my business, no payments to it come out of joint funds and I'll pay it off on my own so I don't consider it DH's business in a non nasty way. Depends on your set up.

Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:25:35

"your dh is being a selfish prick." agree custardo grin

we have separate bank accounts and credit cards in our own name but about a year ago decided we really needed to get on top of our debts. Although the credit card is in his name it does arguably affect me as when we are due to remortgage our house next year all of this will be taken into account. As I said the money is not the main issue its the deceit. He has obviously also been hiding the statements so I don't know what he has spent it on. It may seem odd but I am not thinking along the lines of him cheating on me. I just dont think its that. He likes to go out alot and spend money on clothes, meals that sort of thing. I imagine its just accumulated over time.

olympicsnotfederer Tue 12-Aug-08 12:28:03

I agree with wannabe.

I have never understood how when people are married, they have seperate finances.

One of my friends does this with her DH. He earns much more than her, and she often struggles to "save up" for things whereas she could have it if they shared their income. And they might be household things ffs, why is that her responsibility?? They live in the same house.

I think they have this elaborate way of sharing money to pay for holidays etc but when they get there, their spending money is their own ? It doesn't make sense to me.

Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:29:10

"Surely you must have wondered how he was financing his expensive tastes and going out alot? "

Yes I have and have been reigning it all at the weekends. For exmaple, staying in more instead of taking the DCS out for lunch (too stressful anyway). However, he does have alot of dispoable income. He just spends alot as well. Always ordering stuff from amazon, buying clothes.

Any tips on how to deal with this?

Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:30:05

meant to say reigning it in!

expatinscotland Tue 12-Aug-08 12:30:59

throwing my hat into the ring to agree with wannabe.

olympicsnotfederer Tue 12-Aug-08 12:31:58

It depends greatfun.

Would he be willing to pool EVERYTHING, and not for him to keep back finances for his own use? All spending decisions would be made with the family in mind.

He may not be happy with this and feel you are trying to control him.

wannaBe Tue 12-Aug-08 12:34:11

but eyeballs, the op and her dh have joint debt. They are working hard to repay said joint debt, except that while they are doing that, he is running up separate debt on the side.

Spending your money is one thing, it's your money to spend (if that's how you live your lives), but running up debt on the side is not on IMO.

If op's dh died she would be liable for that debt. Do you think that's fair? because I don't.

Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:34:55

That seems the only solution but we have been together for 10 years and always had our separate stash. I am just not sure how that woudl work. I dont want to control every penny he spends I just want him to take responsibility.

Greatfun Tue 12-Aug-08 12:37:01

wannabe- we sort of have joint debt. we have our own cards which have debts on. most of which was spent doing up our house or doing things together. but in terms of name, etc i have my credit card and he has. Its just that we have been trying to pay it off and I have been using this spread sheet to keep an eye on it all.

staryeyed Tue 12-Aug-08 12:37:35

I agree with wannabe. Even if you did have completely separate finances his spending would affect you, and it is taking the piss a bit to be slyly spending while you are living on a budget.

RubyRioja Tue 12-Aug-08 12:38:33

My DH did similar, which I was very cross about, but thought our background might be useful as context. Our finances are completely joint in reality and he is usually fairly good with money and not buying what we cannot afford. He works hard, at the time earned well and looks at it as our money.

He started by ordering my birthday present with the credit card so he could surprise me. He meant to get around to paying it off, but did not do so. Then he added my xmas gift. And a couple of family meals. This continued for about three years with him paying minimum and gettign regular fines for late payments. Nothing huge, nothing 'secret' like massages or hookers (I think!) but it built up to about £1800.

When I restructured our finances, he sheepishly confessed. We used joint savings to pay off. They did turn out to be v expensive gifts to me with interest etc.

All I mean to say is not particularly sinister, more slack financial management.

Ultimately I think it can be expensive to not know exactly what is going on.

Cappuccino Tue 12-Aug-08 12:41:25

if he can run up £2 grand then you should be able to too

it is not his money

why do some blokes think they can have a wife, kids, and their wife looking after the kids, but the money is theirs?

it's a partnership.

agree with Custy

olympicsnotfederer Tue 12-Aug-08 12:44:06

I guess its just what you are used to greatfun...

When DH and I married, everything we had was put into joint names and has stayed that way.

Credit cards are in joint names but we use them separately

For convenience and to keep a track of essential versus "extras" spending, one account pays all the bills and mortgage (my wage goes into this) and another (his wage) for holidays, pensions, investments etc. But both are in joint names.

Both of us would know if the other was overspending cos the statements are joint so we just kinda keep an eye on it together.

If we got into debt, we would sit down and look at ALL spending.

solo Tue 12-Aug-08 12:44:42

This happened to me with my exh. He ended up with 8 credit cards and a car loan that added up to almost £40k. All except the car was behind my back. This was after I'd paid off previous loans/cards for him, locked his cards away(he just ordered new ones) and read him the riot act. He/we had nothing to show for it except a rather boring Hyundai Lantra. It split us up eventually, as I just couldn't live with the worry of all the debt.
I hope you get it sorted.

solo Tue 12-Aug-08 12:45:29

Oh and he just kept telling me not to worry about it, he'd sort it. Yeah right.

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