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Help!!! i'm so confused

(10 Posts)
TinyPawz Mon 11-Aug-08 22:07:53

My husband and I split just over a year ago, levaing me with a 4 month old baby.

I asked him to leave because he cheated on me. I have always regreted it.

He always promised to come home eventually. In a fit of badness, I changed my name and the baby name by deed poll. The husband is African and thinks it is his right that DD should have his name.
He is holding this over me head now, saying that he'll not come home until I change her name back.

I still love him (my life would be a millions times easier if I didn't) and feel totally lost on my own. I have suffered quite bad depression since our split and I suppose have pinned all my hopes on getting better when he comes home.

I need advice, help, something....

cafebistro Mon 11-Aug-08 22:14:50

Hi Tiny...sorry you're feeling so bad.
You say you love your husband but do you want him back? Would you be prepared to change your baby's name to get him back?
If he did come back would you be able to trust him after his cheating?
These are just questions that i would ask myself if i were in your position.
Are you having treatment for your depression?
Have you anyone you can talk to about how you feel?

Alfreda Mon 11-Aug-08 22:15:30

Control. He has it, you don't.

Tell him that you will change the names back if he comes back and stays back. If you do what he asks he will not respect you and he will cheat again.

Alfreda Mon 11-Aug-08 22:16:29

Post script: you have to respect yourself if you want him to respect you. Stuff the depression down into a dark corner, and force yourself to be strong.

Good luck.

thederkinsdame Mon 11-Aug-08 22:18:18

From what you have said about the importance of names, he sounds pretty upset and probably sees that as a bit of a blow - maybe he is scared that it draws a line under your relationship and that it is quite a final step. But TBH IMO he doesn't have the right to be that upset as he is avoiding the fact that his infidelity caused the break-up in the first place!

It sounds to me like you would both benefit from some counselling (if you will both go?) if not, how about getting to know each other again - go out on dates, re-establish your relationship before you take the step of moving back in together. If after that you feel that you have a future, suggest that you change the name back when you are ready to move in together. See it as a sign of a fresh start for both of you.

Stay strong. You will get through this whether you get back together or make your own life on your own. I hope it all works out for you, whatever happens.

thederkinsdame Mon 11-Aug-08 22:19:39

[p.s meant to say - Alfreda is right - you need to do this on your terms, not his!

TinyPawz Mon 11-Aug-08 22:29:08

I do love him and don;t feel complete without him.

I changed her name cos I knew it would annoy him, Ihoped it would inflict some of pain that he caused me. (childish, I know, but he hurt me so much)

I wish we could do the whole counciling thing, but he is very traditional.....and stubborn.

i have tried counciling for the depression but I found it made me worse.

He doesn't really talk, just expects thing to work along as normal.

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 22:32:09

How do you know he will come back once you have changed it back?

thederkinsdame Mon 11-Aug-08 22:33:48

TinyPawz - I know what you mean about the counselling making you feel worse. But if you can stick it out you go through the 'horrid' bit of dealing with all the shitty stuff and come out the other side feeling OK. Maybe trry seeing someone different (if you can) as sometimes if you don't click with the person you're seeing it makes it harder.

cafebistro Tue 12-Aug-08 09:38:53

tinypaws...I think you should try and sort out your depression before you even consider your relationship with him. Like thederkinsdame has said maybe see a different counsellor or try medication if you feel really bad and like you cant worked for me. Go and see your Gp and they could put you in touch with someone to suit you. Once you feel better yourself you'll be in a much better position to decide what you

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