I am really worried about my BF, I think that she might be terribly unhappy, not sure what to do.(8 Posts)
I went to a wedding on Friday in Dublin. All my friends were there including my very bf who I have known since I was four.
We have been terribly close in the past but I have lived in the uk for the past 7 years so naturally we don't speak as much, perhaps once or twice a month and I see her at least an average of once every two months. I go home a lot.
She is married and has been trying to concieve for about 3 years. She has multiple sclerosis, not a very aggressive form but it is progressing, albeit slowly. Her dh is quite a decent sort but did have an affair before they got married. They have been together for about 12 years in total.
They were living apart at the time, she diddn't tell me until about a year ago, i was upset that she didn't confide in me at the time but they had couple councelling and resolved their issues and went ahead and had a lovely wedding.
Ok, the issue is that at the wedding (it was late, everyone was very pissed tbh) I drifted off to find my db (recently dumped by his dw), he was in a room in the hotel with some mates, I hung out there for about 20 mins.
I got a call from bf, she was screaming obscenities at me and accused me of shagging her dh, she couldn't find him either and in her drunkenness thought I was with him.
Now this woman has NEVER cursed at me before in her life, she was really ranting. I went to find her immediately and explained that I love her and had no idea that she was alone (there were about 30 of our closest friends there too, she had no reason to feel left out) and I had no idea where her dh was. she calmed down and was ok but started ranting about politics then a bit later, I had to get her to calm down again and basically manage her for the next hour or two.
Basically there are obviously loads of issues that are making her angry but I don't know what to do. She is an incredibly private person (unlike me). I don't know how to help her. If I try to talk to her, she is likely to deny that anything is wrong, but there obviously is. She is one of the sweetest human beings on the planets, I hate to see her unhappy. What do you think I can do?
My brother has just been dumped by his wife of 8 years so I was concerned about him as it was his first social occassion out without her.
She was definitely very pissed but I have known her for years and been very pissed with her before and she has never ever had a go at me before.
Carmenere, I don't think there's a lot you can do actually.
It sounds like this woman really is very unhappy and has a massive amount to deal with. She's obviously still a bit insecure about her DH, despite the couples counselling, and having MS, however slow moving, is an absolute fucker. (BTW it can be deceptive - it can be very slow moving and then suddenly within the space of a fortnight, as happened to a friend of mine, the disease can go from being a minor background nuisance to an absolutely disabling blow. Within 2 weeks, my DF went from being basically OK with this illness which was sometimes an inconvenience but no big deal, to not being able to walk or move without help, so utterly dependent on her flaky husband. Your friend probably knows this could happen to her at any time and I don't even begin to know how someone can deal with that.)
I guess all you can do is assure her that you are there for her, that you can cope with her anger and pain and would welcome her confidence not be horrified by it. I guess she already knows about counselling options and would access them if she were ready to.
Thanks, I suspect you are right. I think I might get her to book a weekend over here to see me. I think we need to have a bit of quality time. I absolutely hate to think of her being miserable and having no one to talk to about it.
After being quite ok for about 10 years I know that she has recently lost feeling in some of her fingers and some bladder control
Oh that is a bummer and could explain why she is feeling quite so fragile atm. I think your idea of spending some quality time with her alone is a good one.
It might be presumptious because everyone is different and I don't know what your friend is like, what her DH is like, what your relationship is like, etc., but I think with my DF she found it incredibly difficult to admit the excrutiating pain/ lack of control she had to me as it is not my "role" in her life IYSWIM. She sees me as her mate, the one who talks to her about books, media, politics, other mums. I think she has quite a visceral horror of me witnessing any episodes of her helplessness as it would make her feel exposed and vulnerable. It's one of those things which is a terribly difficult tightrope - otoh I want her to know that I can cope with that, it's not a problem for me, but I'm aware of the fact that maybe she can't, she doesn't want me to be involved in that. And in the end it's up to her, I don't want to intrude into her private grief that she may not want to share with me.
This may all be complete bollocks vis a vis your DF btw. But I thought I'd tell you anyway, in case it's any help!
A similar thing happened years ago with a friend of mine who'd been going throuhg a tough time (we all knew about it).
Strange thng is someone else mentioned this outburst in front of us both - not only did she accuse me of flirting/wanting to shag her bf (now dh), she slapped me - and she totally denied it. Perhaps too embarrassing?
Forgive the outburst but try to get her to talk. If she's v private she may not want to. I only hear about this friends insecurities and probs from her other friends and her dh (which still makes me a bit uncomfortable!!!)Good luck, it's nice you care.
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