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why, why, why do I have to be in tears, ranting, sobbing, the full works before he will listen to me or even enter into a discussion about anything more important than the frigging weather or who has been getting on his tits at work???

(6 Posts)
TigerFeet Mon 11-Aug-08 19:57:34

My relationship with my dh can't go on much longer unless something drastically changes. Change is looking unlikely so it is really starting to look like the end of the road for our marriage.

I am so, so fed up of him sticking his head in the sand about, well, pretty much everything.

Over the past 6 months I have tried to talk to him about all kinds of things that are really important to me, only to be met with grunts, monosyballic answers or complete silence

He only gets animated when he talks about his job hmm

I can only take this for so long before I completely lose my rag and start to cry and rant. He listens then, he promises to change, he says I am right, he agrees to think about the things that bother me

then

nothing.

Nothing changes.

I have had enough.

Not sure what I want anyone to say - just need to get this out in the open.

I need to get off the merrygoround.

2point4kids Mon 11-Aug-08 19:59:09

I'm sorry. That does sound tough.
Is it something in particular that is bothering you all the time that he is not listening to you about?

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 20:00:18

Have you tried counselling?

Is he aware you feel like this? Presumably you used to talk about something other than his work. Maybe you just need to re-connect.

TigerFeet Mon 11-Aug-08 20:09:27

Things I need to talk about?

TTC - this is really important to me. He knows this, I have told him. DD is 4 now and off to school. Neither of us are getting any younger. He won't say yes. He won't say no. He won't say he'll think about it. He just says nothing

Moving house - I wanted to move closer to our local school to be sure of a place. He refused to talk about it other than to say it would be fine. It wasn't. I now have to drive across town to get dd to school once she starts in September.

There is more, less pressing stuff too. As well as ongoing stuff about not necessarily wanting the same out of life which is still unresolved.

On Saturday night I cried for four hours solid. I tried to be reasonable, I asked him what he thought about what was upsetting me. I got very, very little in return. I can't be arsed to keep doing this any more.

Counselling is probably a good idea but whenever I've raised it with him I get the usual response

BabiesEverywhere Tue 12-Aug-08 17:28:51

{{{TigerFeet}}}

I have just read this thread and your other [D]H one in AIBU

I want to help but I don't know how to help you though this time.

Would you like to talk about this in RL or is this an internet rant to stay online only ?

My DH said he is happy to clear off with the kids for a few hours, if you want a shoulder to cry on when you visit but I won't bring this up unless you do.

You deserve so much more love and affection in your life.

Hope things improve.

humanbean Tue 12-Aug-08 17:54:17

Stop trying to engage him. Be really calm and say something like "I am not doing this anymore. You turn me into a ranting crying person and I am not that person and am no longer going to tolerate you turning me into that person. You come to counselling with me or this marriage is finished".

Then say nothing.

Just exist in the house alongside him.

Be pleasant - as though he were a part-time lodger. Concentrate on your dd. Exclude him. grunt. Be utterly disinterested but make it clear if you do say anything, that the ball is in his court and isn't it horrible being treated like a nonentity.

If he gets on a plane to Thailand, then at least you know it was never going to work and he is an areshole.

If he gets worried and tries to grunt a bit more/talk at you/open up a bit, then there might be something worth saving.

At that point grab it with bth hands and encourage him to take the initiative and to book counselling for you both.

That's my suggestion. Please ignore if it sounds all wrong. Good luck. I know what rabid silence does to your intestines.

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