DH into S&M

[Sally1984]

I have been married about two years and trying for a family for the last year or so. I found out recently (through finding images/documents/weblinks) that DH is into S&M (he is on the M, rather than S, side and enjoys torture, bondage, humiliation etc) and has exchanged e-mails with a dominatrix and posted/replied to ads on contact sites. When confronted, he denied that he went through with any of this but that it was purely for the thrill (ie the email exchanges with sadistic women). I have told him this is unacceptable and he says he won't do it any more but he is in his 40s and I cannot see how this will just disappear from his system. Sex between us was fine before and he says it is just a small part of his sexuality. It has left me bewildered and unhappy and also with no idea of whether he really does stick to e-mailing or does sometimes put it all into practice. Does anyone have any advice or even experience of this?

[beanieb]

Has he never ever talked to you about any of these desires, never even a little bit? I would say he seems quite cpapble of keeping it under wraps and that it IS a small part of his Sexuality. I'd give him a break if it were me, maybe try to discuss it with him rather than just ignore it, but try not to let it effect your relationship together if everything has been fine up to this point?

[Sally1984]

No, no mention of it. What bothers me is the contact with other women and the amount of material on his computer. I can't honestly say that all has been fine up to this point, as he has been incredibly moody and distant over the last year (we only knew each other a year before that) and I wonder if the two are linked.

[CoteDAzur]

I wouldn't be happy about exchanges with other women, but calling your husband's sexual fantasies "unacceptable" is not a winning strategy. Imho, of course.

Why don't you talk to him about it and see if you can find a middle groun - I assume you won't be into chains and whips, but how about tying his hands to the bed during sex? It could be interesting

[Sally1984]

I meant the contact with other women was unacceptable... Having had a glimpse inside his head I think the idea of trying something myself will not work for me as it was all so explicit and, to my eyes, disturbing.

[nkf]

Do you have children? If not, I'd say leave.

[nkf]

If you think you could enjoy S&M sex then it's worth considering staying. Otherwise what's the point?

[TinkerBellesMum]

Most people into D/s liken it to being gay as far as being part of them is concerned. Feelings of knowing something is different when they were little and playing differently with their toys to not knowing who they are until they understand what D/s is and only going into relationships with like-minded people.

Just because he has looked at some of the harder core stuff, doesn't mean he would want to act that out. As someone else said, he could be happy with having his hands tied during sex or with you saying certain things to him. It could be he doesn't want to be lifestyle or even doing things all the time.

Unless you talk to him you won't know what the truth is. If he feels you find it totally unacceptable he will hide his real self from you. You have to be willing to hear out who he is and decide what to do from there. There's no point him hiding his true self and you both carrying on as normal. It will only breed resentment. To use the analogy above, it would be like making someone who is gay stay in a straight relationship and hide that side of them.

[Sally1984]

Thanks for your comments. he does say it is a part of him and that as a child he felt different. He also says that he doesn't want that from me (ie to incorporate any S&M element into our sex life) - it seems that he perceives a divide between what he wants at home and what he fantasises about. That would be fine if I hadn't found out about it (although, as i said, there has been a lot of moodiness etc).

[CountessDracula]

Would you be happy with that?
With him leading two lives effectively?
Presumably he doesn't want to involve you because he feels ashamed.

I would think this is a fairly tricky one and you could do with a bit of help to work it out. Have you though about couples counselling?

[ToughDaddy]

Smart thinking RubyRioja!!

[Kally]

I can understand your concern but perhaps he hasn't 'gone that far', but it is a desire. Its there inside of him.
I once had a relationship where the guy liked to see women peeing. He talked openly about this with me (after we were together for a while) but it did put me out somewhat at first. I tried to understand the psychology of it, read up on it, because apart from that everything was 100% with him. I discussed it with my close friend and she couldn't understand the big deal I was making out of it.
But even though I tried to be relaxed and accepting about this I still felt it 'overtook' the main course and, to me, what the sexual act was all about. I noticed that the more accepting I became of this, the more the focus was on 'it' throughout the whole sexual act with him, and quite frankly it was like we were speaking a different language. I wasn't getting what he got out of it, and I was basically accomodating him, but he was shifting it over to what he wanted and I felt we lost the essence. Its a hard one when you are not bonding in the bedroom with the same sized waves in your heads. That's the only way I can put it.

[TinkerBellesMum]

Just replace D/s with gay. Would you still be happy with the response?

[ToughDaddy]

Isn't it the case that some fantasies are not meant to be realised? Some are just things that we carry in our head.

[ToughDaddy]

What i am saying is that you are entitled to be upset with the emailing but you can't really get upset with him for having S&M fantasies. If everyone had their fantasies "outed" I wonder how many of us would stand up to the test of "normality" what ever that is.

[ToughDaddy]

So should my wife have disclosed her fanatsies before we got married? Suppose she had a fantasy that I couldn't fulfil, would that be betrayal?

[TinkerBellesMum]

If your wife was gay and didn't tell you because you couldn't live up to it would that be OK?

D/s is not just a fantasy, it's a sexuality, like being gay. Some people might like to be smacked occasionally or mess about with it (like some people might fantasise about bringing another person of the same sex in) but someone who is genuinely ("he does say it is a part of him and that as a child he felt different") D/s is not fantasising.

[TinkerBellesMum]

Thanks dittany, that was the word I was looking for.

[ToughDaddy]

i don't get the sexual orientation thing. He likes women but also gets a kick of S&M thoughts. I would say that, prima facie, that is not a conclusive reason to leave your husband. There are varying degrees of S&M. Many of us carry thoughts from our childhood into our adult life including sexual fantasy.

[ToughDaddy]

"S&M is a sexual orientation". We do like our labels don't we?

[TinkerBellesMum]

You obviously don't know many D/s's then.

[WowOoo]

Could you try a bit of slap and tickle after talking with him..Really you might like it.And if not, well at least you tried something new for yourself.

Best to try to talk though. it's not that bad -to me- even though I understand how shocked you might feel. It's that it's all behind your back on internet maybe? Good luck!