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How do you stop yourself from having feelings for someone?

(24 Posts)
goinggahgah Mon 11-Aug-08 11:51:45

Namechanged as a regular and DH looks on site.

I have a really good male friend who I have known for years. There has always been a definate chemistry, we used to go out with each other, now friends etc etc.

I find him very attractive and he says he also finds we attractive - we chat we flirt we laugh etc. He is one of my best friends and we know each other so well.

We are married, we have children and I would love to just have a totally platonic friendship. But there is always an undercurrent of "electricity" that makes the friendhsip exciting and in some ways addictive. So basically I fancy my best friend! How do you get over this without breaking all contact.

MarkStretch Mon 11-Aug-08 11:53:13

I don't think you can.

Avoid him.

Anna8888 Mon 11-Aug-08 11:53:36

You can't.

Leave this friend alone, it will all end in tears.

goinggahgah Mon 11-Aug-08 11:59:59

Sometimes I wish I could avoid him but our kids go to the same nursery. Our jobs bring us together. We have tried the avoidance but always get asked by others if we have fallen out etc. Logistically unless one of us moves away its not going to be that easy.

We seem to follow each other, work, socially etc (we live in a small town).

We have spoken about it and know we are on dangerous ground. If we know were going out somewhere together one of us doesn't drink, just to make sure nothing happens. I am scared that I can't go on like this and I will have a bad moment - go to him for help and well it will all end tears, your right.

This has been going on for so long now im so fed up with it.

DaddyJ Mon 11-Aug-08 12:08:05

Remind yourself why you married DH and not this friend.
Focus on what you will lose if you cross the line.
It does not have to end in tears but you need to be disciplined about it.

MarkStretch Mon 11-Aug-08 12:08:06

If you are serious about not wanting it to come between you and your DH then I would say you may have to make some big changes.

I have been in a similar situation and the only way I could deal with it is to completely remove this person from my life.

I left my job, and moved house. It was very painful but my life is 100million times better for it now.

It seems to me that you are viewing something happening as an inevitablity.

goinggahgah Mon 11-Aug-08 12:14:19

Iam going to be totally honest and I have not told anyone this - I have already kissed him. I am going out later in the week and I know he will be there. I can cancel but then it would mean 5 of friends can't go as I said I would drive. I am dreading it! I am feeling down already at the moment and just want to scream at him for making me feel this way about him.

If I did make all the changes that I need to make, what do I say to dh? its his friend. We both feel so bad about what is happening. He has said to me I am the one he should have married etc and tbh he is everthing dh is not. I know the grass is never greener. I know dh is the right man for me but I have never had such a good friend.

PersephoneSnape Mon 11-Aug-08 12:15:45

oh FGS slap! pull yourself together <shakes by the shoulders>

yes, it's lovely to feel attractive and love someone. particularly when it's forbidden. but you'll not only be hurting your DH and Dcs you'll hurt the DW and children of this man you profess to love. you love him so much that you'll put all these other innocent people through so much pain. not so terribly romantic now, is it? just stop seeing him, spend some time with your husband, try and go away for a weekend or something and avoid this 'friend' like the plague. real friends put other people first, they don't selfishly take what they want and screw the consequences.

what do you want? a fling or a lifetime together?

Hecate Mon 11-Aug-08 12:18:25

You can't decide to not have feelings.

You can decide whether or not to act on them. You are not at the mercy of your feelings, you are a rational being with control of and responsibility for, your actions.

So what do you want to do?

MarkStretch Mon 11-Aug-08 12:20:14

'I have never had such a good friend'

Do good friends kiss you and make you choose between them or your husband?

If he was that good a friend then surely he would see the harm he is causing and back off.

Seems to me he is out to see what he can get?

lilymolly Mon 11-Aug-08 12:23:21

Sounds to me like you want something to happen.

i.e "I am going out later in the week and I know he will be there. I can cancel but then it would mean 5 of friends can't go as I said I would drive."

What sort of fecking excuse is that? Let someone else drive.

I sort of had some feelings towards my neighbour recently and we had a little harmless flirting hmm

I discussed this with dp and we decided that it was a dangerous game. Normal to fancy someone else, but dont act on it

You need to make some major changes in your life if you want to prevent any heartache

Its very sad

lilymolly Mon 11-Aug-08 12:25:08

And sorry but lets not all blame him either, its BOTH your faults for allowing this to get out of control.

<lilymolly wondering why its always the man who gets the blame> hmm

Hecate Mon 11-Aug-08 12:34:34

It really does sound like you are mentally preparing yourself to do something, trying to convince yourself that fate is pushing you together, or that it is inevitable. It's not. It's within your control. Betray your husband, don't betray him, but be very clear that it is a choice you will make.

FluffyMummy123 Mon 11-Aug-08 12:37:53

Message withdrawn

DaddyJ Mon 11-Aug-08 12:40:51

Ah, right, you have kissed him already..lines have been crossed then.
And what's more your last post shows that he is no friend - the guy is trying to seduce you,
he has launched a direct attack on your marriage.

Seeing as he is a 'friend' of your dh's and you all share lots of mutual friends
the situation could get mui ugly and it's very likely that you will be found out.

Not sure what to advise you as there are pretty powerful forces acting on you.
Look after yourself and your loved ones (whoever they are).

Oh, and watch 'Closer'. From the few posts so far I would say you are the Julia Roberts character.

Overmydeadbody Mon 11-Aug-08 12:41:09

Well just don't act on your feelings of feed your feelings by thinking abou tit too much.

If nothing happens and you both act maturely and with restraqint then there is nothing wrong with vcontinuing the friendship.

It'ss all about choice, and you do both have the choice to not act on any feelings.

Overmydeadbody Mon 11-Aug-08 12:43:02

actually having read your other posts it's not as simple as I originally thought.

You need to distance yourself from this friend, at least for a while.

CountessDracula Mon 11-Aug-08 12:43:35

Well let's extrapolate
you carry this on
once you have kissed him if you keep seeing him it will happen again

You will end up ruining your relationship with your dh. You may divorce. Eventually your children will find out that it was your infidelity that took them away from their father. They will resent you. You will end up old and miserable and alone. All because you have low self-esteem and need flattery from someone to make you feel better about yourself

Get rid of him
Sort yourself out
You don't need it

If you are unhappy with your dh then sort that out on its own. Get your kicks elsewhere.

And yes
silly bint

zippitippitoes Mon 11-Aug-08 12:44:07

well clearly you just withdraw from any possibility of being alone with him

and dont exchsange phone calls texts or emails

tell him you made a mistake and you arent interested

PersephoneSnape Mon 11-Aug-08 13:06:48

do you think he would leave his wife for you? does he discuss his relationship with his wife with you? if he does, do you think what he says is true?

CountessDracula Mon 11-Aug-08 13:18:29

If I did make all the changes that I need to make, what do I say to dh? its his friend

great friend hmm
This man is no friend to your dh, believe me!

We both feel so bad about what is happening

If you felt that bad about it you would stop
Don't pretend

cupcake78 Mon 11-Aug-08 13:29:51

Silly bint is abit harsh!! from the outside these things always look so easy and clear. From the inside it can be very difficult indeed.

I've got to say its not looking good!!

Lines have been crossed - feelings are on the surface. He is a player! he is seducing you and you need to see him for what he really is. It is unlikely you will be the only person he is saying all this to and I am sure sex is a main thought of his.

He is not a real friend. If you and DH are having problems then sort them out first, if you need a break then have one but don't do it just for the sake of this so called friend. Be strong stop it now before you get pulled in to deep.

Goodluck

CountessDracula Mon 11-Aug-08 13:40:51

read this

CountessDracula Mon 11-Aug-08 13:47:58

Then think about life with this man
what woudl it be like
if he has done this to his wife (ie actively pursued you) he will do it to you too.

He is a wrong'un
Get rid of him!

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