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DP won't have sex with me. Feel terrible.

(14 Posts)
Ugly Mon 11-Aug-08 11:06:16

Name changed as very uncomfortable about this.

Dp and I were together 4 months and then I got pregnant. So like 5 months by the time we'd done a test and it was positive etc.

So We had sex all the time. It was all very hot and great. Sometimes 6 times a day even if we were nakered. We both have very high sex drives and he had been with around 250 people before we met.

As soon as I got pregnant he didn't want to do it anymore, he said it felt too weird as there was a baby in there. Fine, as rejected as I felt, I wasn't too cut up about it because I thought well I'm only pregnant for 9 months and then we can get back to normal.

But I put on a lot of weight when I had the baby and my tummy is now a wrinkly saggy mess and I have lost a lot of weight but have a lot more to lose.

I don't know whether this is an issue or not. He always says I look good and he says it's not that.

But he never wants sex. We've done it a few times since baby was born (he's 3 and a half months old now). But not very often. We went for a dirty night away, got pissed and had sex a lot. But it was him who gave in at the end when I could have had more. We'd had sex about 6 times or so. And he had done a LOT of hard work and we were sweating like mad, so fair enough.

But I come on to him all the time and he just says no. If he says we'll have a bottle of wine tonight or something I mention sex and he goes 'maybe' and then when it comes to it he doesn't want to, he just says no.

Considering he's always had such a high sex drive, I don't understand why he's not interested. He says he's grown up, and having a full time job and a new baby takes it out of him. But if I can make the time, why can't he?

I can only assume he either thinks I'm ugly now (I think I am. I'm just too fat, I'm a size 16, but my wrinkly tummy and ripped to bits fanny won't help matters), or he only sees me as a mum.

I sometimes say that things are going to go downhill if it carries on and he tells me not to be so silly.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a completely sexless relationship, but the sex is not what it once was. He doesn't really bother with foreplay anymore, he never ever goes down on me and he seems vaguely disgusted by the idea nowadays though I know he'd be mortified if he knew I was saying all this and he'd tell me not to be so ridiculous and say he loves me etc etc.

We are very loving.

So why won't he have sex with me? I'm 23 and he's 28. And we're getting married in a few months.

KnickersOnMaHead Mon 11-Aug-08 11:10:45

Message withdrawn

Baffy Mon 11-Aug-08 11:30:31

Things do change after having a baby, work and the tiredness that comes with a newborn can affect both partners.

I think you may have to accept that it may never go back to how it was pre-baby.

But at the same time, it's obviously bothering you a lot, and I think you need to try and tell him all of this. It sounds like he'll just reassure you and say don't be silly, but I think you need to really find the time to discuss this and get to the bottom of it. Don't let him fob you off if it's seriously bothering you.

You may have to accept his explanation though. He may be shattered with work and the baby. And it sounds like you have a loving relationship. Perhaps you need to find a balance that works for both of you. But maybe going back to 6 a day is a bit too too much to expect. HTH!

Ugly Mon 11-Aug-08 11:33:51

Yes it definately helps, thanks. I don't want it 6 times a days (well I do but I'm happy to settle for much less lol). Maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

Even once a week or month would do me if I felt like he actually wanted to have sex with me. Like he couldn't keep his hands off me for that moment in time. But it's like a chore when he does do it.

Yet he still likes porn and things.

So it is me, specifically.

sad

I am very bothered by it, I have to admit.

Baffy Mon 11-Aug-08 11:44:14

sad

You definitely need to get all of this out in the open with him then.

Also, perhaps try to change the focus for a while. Concentrate on yourself a bit. You say you want to lose more weight, so perhaps exercise, some new sexy clothes etc. Make making yourself feel good, be your main focus for a little while. Then as your own confidence comes back he will hopefully respond to that in the way you want.

Did he watch the birth? I do know that can affect some men.

It's still very early days after the birth. Give yourself some time.

Ugly Mon 11-Aug-08 12:20:47

He did see the baby come out and it came out the wrong way so it was all very messy and explosive really. I suppose that could have effected him? Will he get over that?

Baffy Mon 11-Aug-08 12:29:37

I guess you need to know from him whether that affected him or not?

Don't know much about it myself. Hopefully someone wiser will be along soon...

I'm sure if it is that then over time you'll be able to get past it. Otherwise people would never have more than 1 child would they!

He needs to be honest with you about what the real problem is.

He may well be telling the truth about tiredness, work etc.

Although I can sympathise. I know what you mean about wanting them to really want you. And not feeling like it's a chore they're just getting out of the way sad

Ugly Mon 11-Aug-08 12:37:13

The worst part is, I still really do want him! Pretty much like when we first met. Not even Brad Pitt could turn me on more... how sad sad

LoveMyGirls Mon 11-Aug-08 12:38:30

Sounds like a lot of pressure, tiny baby, work, wedding etc

Is he worried about money too? I don't think I'd be in the mood if I had 2 people relying and depending on me plus working all day, a wedding to arrange and being woken in the night etc you know him though and you know how he really feels about you. I doubt it is because he's gone off you or he wouldn't be wanting to marry you would he?

Ugly Mon 11-Aug-08 13:17:27

I guess you're right. Maybe the problem's more me feeling hideously undesirable.

Baffy Mon 11-Aug-08 14:00:16

I think that's the root of this sad

So. First things first. Change that posting name! Then decide what things you are going to do for you. To make yourself feel better. Get some plans in place. Join an exercise class or even plan some time to just have a brisk walk around the park with the baby. Anything that will life your spirits and start to help you feel better about yourself again.

The wedding is a great incentive too.

This isn't about losing weight or trying to get back everything you had pre-baby. You should be damn proud of your body, it created your beautiful child after all.
It's about doing whatever you need to do to be happy with yourself again and raise your confidence. If you're happy and full of energy it's bound to rub off on him.

zsos Mon 11-Aug-08 15:24:20

Well... I feel for you, but it sounds fairly normal seeing as you say you two are still affectionate and you feel loved. Does he play a big role in your babys life? Also it sort of sounds like you are trying to bring your pre-baby sex life into your new life a little to much for only having a 3 month old you will get back there. But it may be a bit different for a while maybe the way you are bringing up sex and the whole bottle of wine and reminding him of your wilder days seems daunting now, relax into this new routine for a bit.

Twelvelegs Mon 11-Aug-08 16:16:36

Perhaps he feels under pressure and even if you ask him very few times if he has felt under pressure in the past it can be a block to further sex. It's like he needs to jump the first hurdle before he can begin to run, if you see what I mean. When I was pregnant I wanted sex twice as much as normal and my DH found it all a bit much and had feelings that i had associated only with women, feeling used and like an object etc. He felt under pressure to perform especially as he's a man and men love sex all the time, right?? hmm Anyway I backed off completely but kept up affection in an unsexual way and then he came round. We talked a lot too....
Or Maybe he's out of the game and needs to feel a sexual thing about you again, are you breastfeeding as this can enforce the mother role and he may view you as a mother and not so sexual right now.

Tortington Mon 11-Aug-08 16:21:00

get yer slap on and gt out with your mates - men are like dogs - he will want hi smell on you again in no time

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