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Do i stay or leave?

(23 Posts)
mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:04:05

This is a summary of our relationship.

Together 7 years. 2 y o child
In past has been violence from both of us(stopped beofre ds )
Sleep separately most of time (his snroing keeps me awake)
No physical relationsship (had sex abouyt 4 times since ds born)
Don't look forward to spening time with him usually
His company is not relaxing
When very angry he shouts and used ds to punish me

On the plus side

he does lots for ds - gets up at weekend etc and puts to bed all week
gives me back massages most nights
earns a good salary and we have a financially comfortable life
I can spend what i like within reason

KnickersOnMaHead Mon 11-Aug-08 11:12:16

Message withdrawn

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:17:47

I'm due to have an operation in a few weeks and will need h to look after me afterwards (no one else available to do so). Maybe i should just tolerate things until i've recovered?

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:21:02

Not sure how ot go about leaving tho. He hasn't got anywhere else to stay. I could stay at my mums but I don't want remove ds from his familiar surroundings. Our outgoings are so much that h wouldn't be able to afford to rent anywhere either. Not sure the best way to go?

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 11:22:06

I say leave. Both of you seem to be unhappy in the relationship and you would probably do a better job of parenting your child if you can come to some agreement on how to separate but co-parent.

In what way has he used your son to punnish you? I saw the other thread about how he made a comment re you rejecting him but from what you said in that thread you managed to talk about it and let him know it upset you.

Has he made a hbit of doing this?

Have you thought about putting the operation off for a while, until you are able to support yourself a bit better? Are your family able to help out?

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 11:22:42

Ultimately if you leave your husband your DS will have to get used to changing surroundings so if I were you I would go tou your mums for a bit.

CountessDracula Mon 11-Aug-08 11:24:33

have you had couples counselling?

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:27:14

I could postpone the operation but it's been planned for ages now and i really wnat to go thorugh with it. No there isn't anyone else who could help out unfortunately. I do nejoy doing some things with h, we had a farily good holiday earlier in the year and i quite like our evening in fromt of the tv and when we go out in the evenings together/with friends. Maybe there is something to save and i should give it a bit longer?

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:28:10

yes, been to cousnselling - didn't made alot of difference. I might go back on my own when i've receovered from my op

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 11:29:25

maybe you need to talk to him then. If you are building up frustrations and not letting him know then it will only get worse.

What specifically is upsetting you enough to make you want to leave? What is he shouting at you about?

Maybe you need to develop some interests outside the house so that the time you spend with him is not so tedious?

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:31:10

Thanks but i do lots without him - go out with friends, swimming, gym, shopping, etc...... he shouts when he's frustrate because he thinks i'm being difficult

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 11:32:26

Perhaps counselling, to talk about how to communicate with eachother in a better way.

ThatBigGermanPrison Mon 11-Aug-08 11:33:33

Go to Relate

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:42:02

Maybe i should try to chnage my behaviour towards him for a while and see if that improves things?

Quattrocento Mon 11-Aug-08 11:45:07

I like the sound of your last post

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:46:30

thanks quattro . Do you there there might be hope for us despite how things are atm?

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 11:55:50

anyone there?

mymittens Mon 11-Aug-08 12:01:13

anyone?? please

beanieb Mon 11-Aug-08 12:04:13

There could be hope. You just need to find a way to talk about it. Relate may be a good start.

You could even go on your own to talk about the way you feel.

Is it possible having a small child has left you noth tired (Hence the no sex) and fractious? Are you a Stay at home mum? COuld you get a job giving yourself more financial independence And taking some of the heat off your husband as provider?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 11-Aug-08 12:20:12

are you being difficult? when he shouts i mean. my dh i have had more than our fair share of problems mainly due to his childish and selfish behavior that he doesnt even realsie he is doing. not too long ago i started to copy his behavior, picking fault with everything he does and expecting him to do certain things for me because he should do them etc it made him realise how his bahvior made me feel and he is making an effort to change but he is still adamant that he was never acting that way. he cant even 'see' what his behavior was iyswim?

so think hard do you speak down to him? are you difficult to please? do you appear ungratefull when he does things for you?

i think you both need to learn to comminicate better if you want things to improve.

otherwise the fact that you are asking a bunch of strangers on the net if you should leave your husband shows that you are not happy so you either need to improve the relatioship via counselling both together and alone or you need to leave.

good luck

mymittens Tue 12-Aug-08 10:20:21

I think im having second thoughts now about whether i want ot leave him, fo rthe time being anyway. I'm actually missing talking to him and i know that it was bad of me just to tkae ds inot room and walk out, with how things had been. H has taken virtually full responsibility for ds in eves and weekend while i've bee so tired and has stayed up with ds while i wen tot bed, even thought i was barely talking to him, despite him tryign to talk to me. Maybe i do go a bit over the top when h gets things wrong/doesn't do them how i want then done. Maybe if i try to modify my reactions, things might improve. I notice that when things have been clam for a while, h seems happier and less on edge. I don't want things to end but can/should i forgive his comment about abandoning ds?

beanieb Tue 12-Aug-08 10:42:09

yes, you should have forgiven and forgotten when you talked about it and he apologised.

mymittens Tue 12-Aug-08 11:04:46

thanks, that's what i want to do. Going to meet him later

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