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In a bid of despearation, can ANYONE tell us a positive story about how they worked things through after dps affair?

(7 Posts)
ratbunny Fri 08-Aug-08 21:26:31

Cos I feel like a lot of us in similar situations really need some encouragement...

noonki Fri 08-Aug-08 21:55:43

i don't have experience of my DH having an affair but I do as a child.

My mum had an affair for about 6 months when I was eleven, which I found out about by seeing them kissing

my mum moved out for about three months, and then strangely my mum. dad and the bloke she had an affair with went away for a week holiday to sort things out??!!!

a lot of it was down to my dad not agreeing to a vacecomy whilst encouraging my mum having her tubes tied.

anyway when they came back my Mum and dad got back together, that was 22 years ago, they are still together and happy

Don't know what I am trying to say other than it doesn't always have to end a relationship....

how are you feeling at the mo?

ratbunny Fri 08-Aug-08 22:03:12

just very confused. and needy.

noonki Fri 08-Aug-08 23:00:07

poor you,

I'm afraid I am off to bed but I hope that you are ok

I think it is up to you to decide how much it is worth saving, how much he lied, (or she),

for your kids, it is only worth saving if you will both be happier, otherwise it could be worse

I really hope you can sort it out (())) x

ipanemagirl Fri 08-Aug-08 23:09:16

ratbunny, imo I think a relationship can get over a huge amount of challenges with love and determination and if both parties are willing to look at themselves brutally rather than just blaming the other.
An affair is often just a sign that the couple is out of touch with each other. It doesnt HAVE to mean the end. Some relationships can get better after getting over something very hard.
If there are good things in the relationship then it can be worth fighting for.
Obviously every case is unique but I know my dh and I have got over some tough times and now feel really happy that we didn't throw in the towell although we had to get through quite long times of not really feeling much love for each other at all and just had to make a leap of faith that it would come back and it did.
Good luck with whatever you're going through.

Kally Fri 08-Aug-08 23:12:19

Well, I am sorry for you since I went through this about 12 years into my marriage. We'd just moved to a new country as well and things were exceptionally hard. Me and him, two small children, both of us working, kids settling in to new environment. Stress 100%. Then things began to ease up, we settled and we had a good income, and he went off the rails! I knew but couldn't/wouldn't believe it. She was an influential friend and had him wrapped round her little finger. (I think now and it makes me want to puke).
I won't go on, but it came to a head, and they broke it off, but not all at once, in stages... (imagine)...
We continued somewhat to try and patch things up and he truly tried hard and never went back and it was all over. We had our life back again.
Ooooo but I resented him. I hated him inside. i didn't ever get to properly discuss it with him, it was all too painful and we had come so far and the kids were happy and settled. But it was all my glue we used to stick it together.
12 years later... a lot of festering... a lot of efforts to refocus...another baby...
but it was still stuck in my throat like a thorn.
We ended up divorcing. It fell apart for a lot of reasons and he tried to get back after he walked out. One day after dropping of my little one, he asked what my main reason was for encouraging this split up and I said 'it was the affair'... Do you know what he said? 'I didn't have an affair'... HA! He'd totally distorted the reality of it and believed it. So he's obviously ignored my pain along with it.
Good riddance. I'm sorry but I am one of those miserable bitches that thinks that if a husband strays, he'll always be that way. Plus the fact that afterwards I found out there were a few others... Funny how it comes around in the end and yet you'd never have thought it about him. Its not helping what I have just written but its my experience.

Kally Fri 08-Aug-08 23:15:44

But havinmg said all that. My sister had a similar thing happen to her. But they stuck through it and he said once to my Dad 'if I could cut off my right arm and turn back the clocks to erase that incident - I would'.

They are both in their 60's now and still married. So there is a success story. (Even though, given the chance, she still rants on about it).

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