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Name Calling

(48 Posts)
namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 19:13:34

I've name changed for this. DH is usually the best ever and does so much for me it's unbelievable. I won't go on to list all of the 1000s of ways that he is so amazing because I'm really angry right now.
Ocassionally, he gets in these strops when something isn't quite going his way. He was fixing the door today and didn't do it properly. I couldn't get out because it was sticking. He kept saying "just open the DOOR!" as if it were the easiest thing in the world. I'm pregnant and don't have the strength that I usually do. We were both about to go out together and I came downstairs first and couldn't open the door.
He said, "what are you a f*ing retard?" first of all, I never tolerate that word (retard) ever. Then he told me I was just "too stupid to open a f*ing door".
I got really upset in the car and couldn't stop crying and he didn't even seem sorry. When I said, "you need to leave, I can't raise a child in a home where his/her dad treats his/her mum in that way" Then he got defensive and said, "oh yes, Im always so mean to you" (sarcastically). I said, "not always, but this is unacceptable. I can't have it."
I think he really is sorry, but he doesn't appear to be and has not apologized. I'm past hysterical crying now and now I'm just angry. He's now angry with me for being angry. I tried to talk to him about it but he just told me that I was "being ridiculous" and won't talk to me about it. What do I do? I know this seems so silly compared with the really big problems people usually have and he's usually so great, so I just don't know what to do but it's eating away at me!! I don't think I deserve to be called names like that, or any names at all!

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 19:15:54

Gosh sorry to hear this sad

It's verbal abuse as you know.

He can't be allowed to get away with it as it can escalate. Even into physical abuse and often begins when a woman is pregnant sadly.

How often does he get like this?

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 19:16:09

I'm more upset because I don't feel that a dh should treat his wife, especially pg wife in this way! when I said to him that it was sticking and he's just stronger than me, he said, "it has nothing to do with strength. you just can't open a door" (in a really snotty, angry tone). Am I over reacting here? Please be honest!

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 19:16:53

I wouldn't stand for being called a f*cking anything let alone a retard.

Stop minimising though, it's a big deal. (not what you want to hear I expect)

Not an easy situation.

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 19:17:28

Not often - I would say like once a month or something, but it's usually not such harsh language or name calling. usually he just gets in a grumpy strop like a normal immature acting man. This is the first time he's cursed at me like that. I'm really hurt.
Is it really verbal abuse?

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 19:18:44

I just don't know how to go forward with it. He won't talk about it at all but I can't accept it. I can't just sweep it under the carpet. It will just keep hurting.

Overmydeadbody Fri 08-Aug-08 19:21:52

I don't think you are over-reacting here for a minute.

You wouldn't tolerate a friend, colleague or employer speak to you like that without reprocussions so why should a husband get away with it?

I wouold be fuming too and also making it clear I was having second thought about the relationship.

Overmydeadbody Fri 08-Aug-08 19:23:12

I don't think there is any need to 'talk' about it tbh. It was wrong and he didn't even apologise. Not acceptable. If he did it once he will do it again.

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 19:24:38

Yes, it is sad

I had a boyfriend like this.

Have a read of the Womensaid website. It describes signs to watch for.
Will try to find link.

Sorry this is happening to you but never dismiss your instinct - you deserve better and he knows it. He will try to make you think you're overreacting, that is classic.

Its' up to you how you proceed, but I would be insisting on some counselling, maybe relate.

Your words about not bringing up a child in that environment were perfectly sensible and I'm worried he might squeeze this natural defense out of you over time, it happens to a lot of bright women.

Please listen to yourself. It might mean you have to put up a little wall in your head and trust him a little less - not sure if I could continue a relationship where this happened myself.

Do you have an alternative possible scenario - for instance if he/you did leave, what next? Could you go and stay with someone?

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 19:26:37

Here you go sweetheart

This spells out some of the things you are describing

Have a good read.

blinks Fri 08-Aug-08 19:27:02

A suggestion- book a counselling session and tell him you're going and would appreciate his attendance...try to be calm and resolute. If he doesn't go, go yourself and get some advise about how to proceed. Don't respond to babyish behaviour, just make statements of facts and walk away until he can be reasonable and mature. Don't take responsibility for any of his behaviour- that's his job as a grown man.

It is verbal abuse.

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 19:28:13

and here

Overmydeadbody Fri 08-Aug-08 19:34:18

Very good points made by blink.

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 19:59:58

Thanks everyone. I just tried talking to him again and we ended up arguing and now I'm having awful cramps. I don't want to stress the baby. He said that he "already said he was sorry in the car" but I certainly did not hear that. I said, I didn't hear it and he said, "well, I said it already" I finally got him to apologize again and then he followed it with "but it was a stupid thing for you to do"

Then went on to tell me how I'm just going "on and on" and "all I ever do is complain about him" (which is NOT TRUE!) and when I told him it was verbal abuse he really flipped out and told me I was over reacting, that I do not have a bad life and I'm not being "abused". I told him to go out for a jog and he's gone for a bit now.

I do love him and he's usually not like this. I don't want to throw our relationship (of 10 years) away but I'm not going to back down. I told him to stop yelling at me and he said he wasn't yelling, just talking in a loud voice.

He really cares about this baby and we usually have the best time together, I just don't understand where this is coming from and why he had to do this!

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 20:03:29

One thing sweetheart (sorry I keep calling you that!)
to remember is that he won't change by you telling him to.

He must recognise his problem and want to deal with it..

Relate might help.

I can understand you don't want to chuck in the towel just yet

But you must keep this in your mind

You mustn't be led to believe it is normal becasuse it ain't

it isn't acceptable and if you turn it round, if it was you who had said those things, you wouldn't be trying to make out it was nothing would you. he knows he is wrong and this is not a very good sign if he won't even allow you to be right on this.

So sorry. Suggest counseling, really it is your best hope here.

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 20:03:54

Thanks for website and suggestion of a counseling session. I really hope this is an isolated incident. If he does it again, we can't go on because even if it's just once in a great while, I don't want my child around that.

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 20:07:16

You're welcome and you're totally in the right. I wish more women recognised that their children are exposed to them being abused, and were strong enough to do something about it.

It is horrible, horrible thing to find yourself dealing with and having to rethink your whole life and whom you place trust in

He has been your rock in many ways I am guessing

But sounds like you've had a feeling for some time so maybe are a bit prepared for this

It's awful to have to tell yourself you can't trust the one person you've al;ways been around

Bad enough after 8 months (my ex) but 10 years takes some guts.

Welldone for seeing what's happening. Maybe he is having problems and not telling you, therefore just a temporary, solveable thing - but if so it needs to be discussed and relate would help there.

CuckooClockWorkOrange Fri 08-Aug-08 20:07:33

If he was with a woman for 2 months and called her a fcuking retard, he would have lost her instantly. So he's treating you with less respect than a stranger, or a colleague.

My x used to call me names (amongst many other faults though, not likening your husband to my x) but I could never get him to see that it's like a hole in the fence. An insult is like a nail in the fence. You take out the nail perhaps when you say sorry, but the hole is still there. My x used to think he could say anything vile to me, and then say "i didn't mean it". hmmmm.

It's a lack of respect.

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 20:13:22

He's just sent me a text message (from his jogging route) telling me how sorry he is and then went on to list 5 things that are really stressing him at the moment and that he knows it's not an excuse but maybe that would help me understand a bit. He said he didn't want to mention anything about those things to me because he didn't want me to be stressed (since I'm pregnant). Well, that plan backfired, didn't it? He ended up doing something even worse!
I know I should accept the apology. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but this hurt and he has to know that. The things that are stressing him are quite significant having to do with his job and grandfather, so I do feel for him, but still unacceptable to treat me this way. I'm not letting him off for it.

Flightputsonahat Fri 08-Aug-08 20:19:28

Ok. That sounds promising in a way but no, I would be unable to forget the abusive comments either - he can't expect you to, surely? sad

Fwiw my ex had a raft of excuses too - he was abusive toward me because his dad was ill (yes, had been for years, it wasn't particularly relevant that month) his son was leaving home (and??)
and it was actually my own fault. Somehow.

I told him even if my father was ill it wouldn't make me be a nasty pig to my boyfriend.

He never did come up with a reasonable explanation but I think he was scared actually of being out of control (I was pregnant too) and didn't want to be committed.

Bad way of showing it really.

I don't know whether you should accept or not. I think you still need to get some counselling or at least keep him very much on probation iyswim.

Good luck pet x

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 20:26:11

Thanks, flightputsonahat. Thanks for being here. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this without MN! I don't want to tell any of my RL friends because they are all his friends, too. Just too awkward and blush

possiblymaybe Fri 08-Aug-08 20:56:40

Please please deal with your h behaviour (I'm afraid I can't really call him your dh when his calling you 'f*ing retard')...

My exp has started with exactly the same behaviour soon after I got pregnant..We've been together for 4 years by then and had really quite a good relationship (or so it seemed)...

After being abusive my ex uesd to say exactly the same to me:Then went on to tell me how I'm just going "on and on" and "all I ever do is complain about him" (which is NOT TRUE!) and when I told him it was verbal abuse he really flipped out and told me I was over reacting, that I do not have a bad life and I'm not being "abused"...

I excused his abusive behaviour with stress, work, money problems etc (his self-employed)..

but stress you have pre-baby is nothing comparing to the stress after your child is born..

So his verbal abused kept on increasing, then he strated to push me , pull my hair and finnaly punched when my dd was 4 months old... I left the same night and came back 4 weeks later after he promised me to really work on his anger etc

He never hit me again but I never was able to forgive him..felt so much resentment and anger towards him because of the way he treated me when I was at the most vulnarable and neede his help and protection the most..

It was never the same.. I asked him to leave (after he became verbally abusive again) and have been on my own for 2 months now..

If you act now maybe you have a chance to save your relationship...If you let his abusive behaviour to continue and escalate it maybe too late.

Sorry for an essay

Kally Fri 08-Aug-08 20:59:54

I am trying to imagine how I would feel if my DP, who is always sweet and mild and wonderful, turned around and spoke to me like that. It would be a bit like 'the exorcist' as he never would dream of using that type of language or response. Did he ever show signs of being like that before? Surely a sweet wonderful man (as you say) would not suddenly do something so totally out of character. Maybe I have missed something here? Maybe he's nasty in other ways? It is a bit extreme. It would worry me and you are right to be concerned. Talk about Jekkyl and Hyde... DOn't let him assume its ok to cross that boundry. If your normal day behaviour towards each other is respectful and accomodating, then why the sudden outburst, and to what extreme?

namechgforthisone Fri 08-Aug-08 21:09:50

Kally - no he has never acted this way before. He gets in the ocassional strop like I've seen friends' dh's do, nothing unusual - just being a man. But never just anger like that was. It really threw me off. And the argument after. I just don't know where it came from but we do need to get to the bottom of it and I think counselling is the best way to go.
We usually spend time together laughing and cuddling and really enjoying each other. He reads to/talks to/sings to the baby every day, massages me every day, brings me flowers often. I really can't explain this.

Thanks, possiblymaybe. I will definitely not be letting him off for this behaviour. I feel better that he's come around a bit now. But he knows that I'm very hurt.

quinne Fri 08-Aug-08 21:32:08

ahem. i think you are over reacting a bit. its ok to be upset at first and demand a proper apology but you can't go booking relate sessions for one-offs like this. If it was every day, or even week then maybe. But once every ten years?

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