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For Kally

(81 Posts)
girlnextdoor Thu 07-Aug-08 14:19:00

Have you met the man yet and been to visit- keep us updated?

girlnextdoor Fri 08-Aug-08 15:45:25

How are you now Kally?

Kally Fri 08-Aug-08 17:45:11

Thanks guys:
I haven't seen him at all, but we talk every day on the phone and he seems really happy with his 'new' job. He works the latter part of the week, Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat, and long hours at that. (which is different from his previous schedule with IT). But he says its a wonderful break and he really enjoys the atmosphere and the industriousness of it all. All positive and in good humour.
As to which (after he said how he misses me and stuff), I suggested that I come to his place next week, that me and perhaps DD will take the train up to him for a change, as school hols, me not working at present, would be easier. He was really over joyed and said he would love that.
For some reason I thought he would start umming and ahhing but I was totally wrong.
So next week sometime I will taking the trek up there.
I didn't do anything sneaky, its beyond me. I'm not capable of it. But I am very astute and will know once I see him in his own environment, I am sure. I don't know if I could bring myself to 'third degree' him about whether the IT job existed/or not... I'll have to draw assumptions about that. Once I see him in his walls I know a whole new dimension will open up.
Will post results though, most certainly.

girlnextdoor Fri 08-Aug-08 18:55:24

good luck!

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 11:14:32

Oh dear... maybe I am just being paranoic but I haven't heard from him at all for the last 2 days!! That is unusual for him. (This is since my suggestion about going up there). He said he would call me to let me know his schedule. Perhaps he is stalling. I am not going to text or call him, you know, leave it to him.
I maybe totally wrong and it is just that he is busy. My thoughts always go to the negative so there must be some underlying reason for me to feel like this.
It probably is because I have not been to his place and I know by any standards this is weird. But it has always worked out that way.
I'm not very well off, (neither is he) and when you are on a tight budget, £30 for train fare is quite a lot, so it becomes almost a luxury.
When we first started chatting I said this would be a difficult one to nurture and gave the realistic reasons, But he insisted it would be something we could overcome.
A year and a bit down the road = less visits, him still coming to me only and his life a total unknown (apart from what he tells me or I glean)
I really do feel a lot for this man. He is totally different to other men that I have dated (mostly turn out to be cad types) but I can't help thinking that perhaps he is pulling wool over my eyes as well, because I don't know the right type to date. That maybe I am a magnet to these sorts (who come in all guises). Total distrust in my choices and in men in general.
But he genuinely does seem/feel different. I mean there are times when he's dragged himself down here in the worst weather, after a long days work, changing trains and taking hours to get here... just to be in my company, then make the trek back for work the next day..
Sometimes (quite a lot) to end this insecure feeling and to have something normal, I feel like ditching the whole thing. But he calmly reassures me and has never let it drop. He doesn't get stroppy and fed up he patiently sticks it back together and we continue on. But continue on with the same parameters, which to him are workable.
Maybe I just need to show more patience, not be so needy and realise that some relationships take longer than others to flourish. (He doesn't know I'm 'needy', hate that word) I never let my side down with regard to that.
Well anyway lets see, perhaps he'll phone today and I'll feel less screwy about this.

Poor guy, probably run off his feet flippin those burgers and I'm the last thing he's worried about right now!!!

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 11:44:27

Hi Kally

Just thought I'd give you some moral support.

This is a really tricky one. he could be perfectly genuine- but on the other hand....

I always go by my instincts and invariably they are right- what about you?

I think you would be making a mistake to paint all men with the same brush. There are men out there who are not cads. Maybe it is not that you choose wrongly, but that you have just had a run of cads! However- don't feel offended here- if this behaviour with this guy is typical of you, I'd say you are unassertive- and maybe that is what makes cads get away with stuff - not sure? maybe barkingup the wrong tree.

There is a big difference between saying what you want out of a relationship, and being "needy".

For what it's worth, I was deceived by a married man- he had all the best intentions - his wife HAD left him, but she came back- I was adamant that I would not go out with any man still living with his wife- so he didn't tell me. For a long time, all meetings were near me- he lived 40 miles away- not far, but this was years ago and it seemed a long way then! One day my curiosity got the better of me- after he had cancelled yet another date- and I found him and his wife at home- domestic "bliss".

I am not saying that your man has a woman- but what I am saying is- go with your gut feelings that things are not right.

I sense that it is not your nature to be open and curious- you even said a couple of posts back that you would stop short of asking him outright about whether he was ever in IT- I couldn't do that...I would say, with a laugh "I bet you have always worked in MCDS- I bet the IT thing was to try to pull me, lol".

I think it totally plausible that he would say "Great" when you suggested going up- what else could he do? Then have 2nd thoughts about it now and wonder how to get out of it.

Cads come in all shapes and sizes- he may be a "nice" guy in some ways, but that doesn't mean he is not deceiving you in some way.

Keep us up to date and hope your fears are unjustified and he has disappeared under a pile of burgers.

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 12:18:31

Thanks GND.
I will just let it ride for a moment but I am sitting in a pile of negative thoughts. It won't do me any good to keep going over and over it in my head, sometimes it makes me think I'm being very unreasonable and sometimes makes me think I've just backed another looser.
Perhaps I should just get back online again and do a re-sort thing. After all, if its making me feel like this, then I am not in a good place. And I don't deserve that. I am a good person, honest, not a head gamer and since coming back to the UK have felt more times that not, very lonely. All I want is a nice friend to go out with and date here and there, for me and DD you know, to have someone a bit special in my life. Its not much to ask is it?

I'm not a club/pubber type, also quite poor at the moment since loosing my job last month. Social circle is barren, plus I have DD (who is more or less in the same situation for her age group) so we do most things together. Whish is fine and restful.
I am not complaining and depressed or anything, I just know what I need and this present situation is only magnifying my lonliness. Gosh - I'm 51 FFS (excuse me) shouldn't I be doing exactly as I wish at this point and after going through the grinder to get to this island of tranquility? I should be 'chooosing' what is good for me no?

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 12:30:58

yes- you should be choosing what is good for you!

Yousee, if I were you- which I amnot!- i think I would be more confrontational at the rsik of burning my bridges- I'd be phoning and saying "You have been quiet since I suggested coming up- any problem? Let's sort it out". In other words, I'd force the issue so that I knew the truth, rather than sitting waiting for his next move. That is not being needy- it is putting you needs first.
You have known him for a year- not just a few weeks.

Maybe emotionally you can move on a bit just in case this guy turns out to be a loser?

You are not expecting too much, but there are men out there- just keep looking. Would it help to get involved in other social things- don't know what you like- but maybe a class, or something- they all start up again in Sept- and try to make more friends/wider social circle rather than just focusing on meeting the "man"?

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 12:52:21

Well I was planning on going back to Uni in September, I have a Buiness Diploma from Canada but I wanted to get back and do my degree... was all geared for that but turns out no funding for me as I was away from UK too long and have to be back 3 years before I can qualify... fair enough.
'Classes' is a problem as I don't have where to leave DD, they had a salsa thing local here and thought of going to that (did salsa back in old country). But again it's a problem with DD and funds for babysitters etc. Come Spetember when DD goes back to school I will get back to work for sure. Nice being home, but not for too long.
I must admit, after living in another country, with warmer climate and different mentality... I do feel lonely and out on a limb. I used to sing in a group back there, used to dance regularly, had art exhibitions (I paint) and here I find all that network I had back there is very hard to re-establish in a new environment. Its one of those things that takes time/years, soul investment, and I left it all behind when I came back. OK, again not homesick and pining... but its a whole different ballgame for me here.
I sang with a couple of guys when I first came back, every Weds eve. But again one of the guitarists was a total mooch and I walked away from it after his advances got to almost pestering. It did ruin things, but I had no other alternative. It wasn't something I could deal with in order to stay in the group. (Another idiot man again)..
Trouble is, although alone for 4 years now, I wasn't aware of how single females get such a lot of hassle (in both countries) these men come along and they think you need 'saving' or something.
That is why online dating appealed to me as you can at least be upfront initially and take it at whatever pace.
Me thinks best bet is to devote a fiver to dating site for a few days and see what happens..
I reckon , as the day wears on, realisation setting in, that Mr. IT/McD is withdrawing without me even knowing it. Time to be honest with myself I think. Quite hurts really. 51 years old and still foolish!!

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 13:25:38

Age is no barrier to being hurt in love !
I am older than you and still feel 16 in my head!

You sound very talented Kally - was DD not at a pre-school group where you could maybe swap babysitting with other mums? Could you set up a babysitting circle- using tokens instead of money?

Have you got to know any other mums in your area so you could help each other out?

Is going back to on line dating really an answer- it actually does make you seem needy, tbh- would it not be better to focus on you and extending your social circle rather than looking for a man?

If you got to know men- and women- in other ways, such as voluntary work, work, going to social events etc, it would help you to meet men who are maybe friends to start with- rather than going all out to find a "date". I am just thinking it would take the pressure off a bit.

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 15:04:20

DD is 10.5 (going on 20 with all we've been thru) We have lived in this town a year now. She has her circle of friends (who mostly come to our house). Did make friends with one Mum who lives on next street, and she's lovely when she's sober, but on her invite I went out one evening with her, while our kids went to this churchy youthclub for a few hours,. We went to a pub nearby so as to walk kids back etc. She was like a wild thing let loose and as much as she's sweet, I know she has a drink problem and she got gobby and aggressive with everyone around. So I declined after that (she later invited me to a strip thing at local rifle club) so she's into that firey sort of let loose stuff, and I'm really not. We are friends but our idea of socializing isn't the same. Each to their own. I have no problem with her but we're not into the same things. I do have a couple of lifelong friends but they are tied up with their families and lives and are in a far different position to me.

I was never focusing on meeting 'the man' and am quite happy with my independance etc., but just feel I should be sharing a bit more. Its very hard when you've raised a family and had a thick circle of good friends to suddenly be 'bare' like this.

The Mr. McD is such a sweet guy, fits all the spaces, he's not a boozer, loves walks and is sweet to DD, likes the same music as I do, is a good father to his DS, but its far and few between. There is noone happier than me when he comes and stays over. But the times in between the demons start up and I go all over the place (unknown to him) I may be self torturing, lonely and just blowing it all out of the sky because I am insecure right now with so many different things going on with me.
I was married to a very intense person who literally sucked me dry emotionally, so perhaps this contrast with someone so laid back and different, it is my fault in expecting him to be as draining, when he's totally normal. (He would be just what I want hence the way it has lasted). Plus he has never demanded any change in me, or theres never been any distrust on his part, and he's been very emotionally supportive (when I lost my job etc). Something I never had with EH (everything centered around him nonstop). Why am I so bent on pre-destroying this? Is it adaptive behaviour?

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 16:11:45

"I was never focusing on meeting 'the man' and am quite happy with my independance etc., but just feel I should be sharing a bit more."

Kally- do you think that "sharing a bit more" is really being honest about your needs? You can share with another woman- a friend- it does not have to be a man. People who use dating sites are usually looking for relationships, and if you aren't, it is not fair to meet them unless you make it clear you just want to be friends. If you want a relationship, fine, but be honest about what you want!

I think you are in danger of being negative with regard to making friends- you have lived in that town for a year - met one other mum who wasn't your type- okay- now what? Where else can you meet other people?

Personally, if you are lonely and want to meet people, I don't think dating sites are the answer.

When your DD goes back to school, how about getting involved with the PTA, or doing some voluntary work?

Are you saying that you don't want any more from the MCDS man? Is that an option? Can you ask him what he wants ? I suppose this brings us full circle- are you going to put him on the spot and see him at his home!!! smile

GrapeJelly Sat 09-Aug-08 16:39:56

Kally, it's possible that you haven't heard from him for 2 days cos he's busy cleaning his flat, shopping for nice food, etc to make your visit special- BUT it's also possible that he's wondering how to call the visit off.

A close friend of mine had a long distance relationship with a guy for 9 months and hadn't been to his place in all that time. Eventually she managed to invite herself over and got the feeling that he was seeing someone else (it's too long to explain), anyway it turned out that he did have another girlfriend.

You have to go over there, don't give in until you get an invite and once you're there be very observant. Insist on going out to a couple of local pubs and be seen with him locally. Also, leave something very girly behind and see what his reaction is. Hope it all works out for you.

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 16:54:33

Ha ha ha... yes I am laughing at myself. I sound so whacko... I'm not really, very uptogether and stable, just been thru some stuff and a bit garbled lately.

He SAYS and always has said that he wants me 'longterm; and even asked if we could ever marry! I balked a bit at that, but to me he asked too early on in the relationship. He has always been very sure of his feeling for me.

Now things kind of moved deeper, but we are still where I started which is: a few times a month, sometimes less, daily calls, sometimes less, and so on.. (altho my feelings for him have grown) which is normal and what should happen when two people want each other, you know, it developes into something stronger emotionally(I think). SO yes, I do want him. But every time something 'changes' in his life I think it is threatening our bond/relationship. Which I guess where the problem lies, with me. (Self analysing here).

I was working, I had my older children around me, friends of theirs and mine. My life was completely full. Hobbies, interests.. Then I moved back to the UK with DD3, my son DS2 is still back in old country, (doing conscription) DD1 married and living in Canada... we have all drifted on with our lives since the divorce. I suppose at this time in my life poor Mr McD fell into my rather barren garden and I'm expecting him to fill all the gaps. Poor man. Little does he know I suppose. Maybe my expectations are far to high and unfair.
But yes, (if he calls, now, don't forget he has gone low profile since me suggesting going up there) I will, even if I have to hike it up there!!! It's probably all me... sorry to come across as a whining lonely whimp! I'm not really. (hmm)

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 17:18:59

Grapejelly - I guess that is what I am freakin scared of, but his behaviour doesn't add up to that sort of 'liar' person I am scared of him being. Surely he wouldn't have brought his DS (who is old enough to pick up on things)for weekends etc.

He was genuinely pleased when I said I would come up and it threw me. I expected him to uhmm and ahhh... but he didn't. Then - darn it - he goes quiet on me. I'm so glad he doesn't know any of this (nor anyone else for that matter) (except MMNS of course)..

He's quite a religious person too, has Bible meets at his place and goes to etc, and attends church regularly. Surely if he was a manipulator, well, it doesn't jell together. You'd have to be a highly cunning person to carry on that image for a whole year or more no? (Which is again my biggest fear).

Oh boy if I found out my fears were correct, I will crawl into a cave I think. Deception, to me, is such a scary thing to deal with.

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 17:25:37

No KAlly- if he HAS deceived you, you will speak your mind, give him what for, then pick yourself up and start all over again!

But think- you onlyhavehis owrd that he has church meetings at his house. How do you really know? He could be a complete fantasist and a good actor.

Just GO_pick up the phone and pin him down to a date!

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 17:31:44

Kally- don't think I am being hard on you- or him- but I HAVE been there.

The married man I knew told me packs of lies- the reason we could not meet at his place was ...because his flat mate was always in- he even told me his name, where he worked and what he did.

No such person- the only other person in his house was his wife.

He told me very complex lies when he had to break off dates at the last minute- broken down car, etc etc- when in reality he just couldn't get away from DW.

I am not a stupid person- but because he seemed so genuine and my parents adored him- though he was good marriage material ( ha bloody ha), I fell for it all.

Just don't believe ANYTHING HE HAS TOLD YOU until you see proof for yourself.

warthog Sat 09-Aug-08 17:35:45

sorry kally, but i still get bad vibes on this one. i hope not for your sake, and i think going to his place is a Very Good Idea.

KiwiKat Sat 09-Aug-08 17:45:36

Really hoping that this all turns out ok, Kally. My fingers are crossed that he is indeed madly hoovering and getting his flat up to scratch for your visit - keep us informed!

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 18:09:46

He just called.

He's in London at his Mum's house (who's been in the States for over a year) as she's due back at the end of next week, thurs or Friday...
He said he went there to clean the place up and take the sheets off everything etc.

His Dad passed away over in the States about 6 months ago, altho they are from London (Mum American)...

He did mention it last month, that his Mum had said she's be over before September... so it does fit. But how convenient... and another thing, he said he's working til Teusday afternoon and will come to me on Teusday evening because he misses me so much. I didn't say (and perhaps I should have) 'but I said I'd come to you'... as again I know emotional time for him to see his Mum after such a long time especially since he hasn't seen her since his Dad died. Is he balling me? I think it's too cooincidental. But why bother? I'm not some rich gorgous bird that is worth making all this up for? Why go to those lengths? (say he is) he's 10 years younger than me, beautiful, gentle and educated - he could get anyone he wants - but me saying that also comes from a place of weakness within me about myself... so put that remark on the back burner.

Perhaps I should just lay it down when he comes and risk burning my bridges. It would be a healthy burning if it is true, and if he does care as much as he says he does then he'll forgive my doubts no?

warthog Sat 09-Aug-08 18:19:51

well if you think he's fragile because his mum's coming to visit, best not lay it on the line.

i'd ring him up and say 'you know, i've been thinking. i've been so looking forward to visiting you, don't worry about coming down to see me this tues. you'll have had a long day. dd and i will make a day of the journey and come and see you for a change.' fight a bit for going to see him. see what happens.

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 18:30:37

kally- if you do talk to him and lay it on the line- you won't really have an answer will you?
He could just tell you to stop being silly and make you feel a fool for asking.
The only way to have an answer is to go to his place.

IMO, the cleaningof the house etc may be true- but it may also be an extremely convenient way to postpone your visit.

In any case- stop trying to analyse him, as you will never know what he is thinking- you need to physically take yourself to his place and see for yourself what his life is like.

I'd call his bluff- and say that you can't /won't see him on Tuesday but you will go up and see him over the following few days- even make a joke of it- say you won't see him until you get an invite to his place!

girlnextdoor Sat 09-Aug-08 18:32:20

Kally- you are putting him and his feelings first, all the time- think about yourself for once and put your needs first.

Kally Sat 09-Aug-08 18:37:45

Ha! Warthog, I just did that and he said that he is working Teus and intended getting the train straight to me then returning to go to work at evening on the Wednesday... then he added that I (me) don't have the spare cash at the moment (true) and its cheaper for him to come to me.. I said, 'that's nice sweet, but I can handle it' and he said, 'lets work your visit for the following week... theres time sweet, no worries' he said also he has planned holidays from the 16th Aug (previous in the year had planned this for Mums return)and will be more relaxed etc.

He has mentioned this holiday lots of times before and even requested when he started at McD's that they accomodate it (which they did) in prep for his Mum's return, and he said he would spend some time of it with me as I live by the sea etc.. we'd a few things planned with his DS and my DD.

I'll just have to talk to him about all this. Clear it up once and for all. He does sound sombre, probably quite hard rooting about in his parents house when he hasn't had closure with his Dad's death. I felt sorry for him and asked if he needed a hug, and he said 'I sooo need that sweet' and then proceeded to tell me he was coming to me on the Teus. I couldn't be resistant right then. Sort of bad timing. Also I figure, he's been here a million times before, so a bit more patience...

GrapeJelly Sat 09-Aug-08 18:44:21

Agree with Warthog and GND. You MUST go up there ASAP. When I asked my friend why she left it for 9 months before not taking no for an answer she said that she'd made a few plans to go over and he always went along with them until the last minute and his excuses were very plausible- eye contact, lots of details, no negative body language. If he won't agree to a visit you will have to go up uninvited. It's possible that there isn't another woman and he's just ashamed of his grotty flat/local area but you have to find out what the truth is. It's not a proper relationship until there's no secrets in normally accessible areas.

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