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He is violent and controlling so I called the police

(24 Posts)
mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 20:09:39

A few weeks ago dp went out and stayed out untill 4.30am. He said it was because of issues he had with MY family and because I think he is a shit dad and his mum was having a go at him. (I did not say he is a shit dad but I do moan at him alot as I am stressed out as I always have to look after dd).

I told him to leave my flat. (we are always very on and off so he has his own flat, but had been staying with me for months as things were ok with us).

So he left but we have been talking alot and he was seeing dd.

Then I asked him to come and stay for a few days to help wean dd off the breast and give me a break as I had been looking after her alot on my own.

So he came to stay and I told him I was going out last night for drinks. He said fine he would look after dd. Then because it came to 1.30am and I was still out he called and text me saying he is taking dd to his house.

I thought he was just being silly and would never be so cruel to dd to take her out in the middle of the night. But he did, so when I called him I could tell he was in a cab so I met him at his house at 2.20am. He said I could not take dd home so I said I was calling the police.

Then he took my phone and said if I called the police solcial services would get involved and take dd.

So he made me go to his flat as I was not leaving dd alone with him. Then he was being violent infrount of her at that time in the morning and she was histerical.

Finally he decided we could go home but he came with us. Then kept us awake for hours talking at me and hitting me when he fancied it.

I tried to keep the noise down as was still trying to get dd to sleep. When she was finally asleep I put her in bed and left the room to go toilet then he started talking at me again. He kept me up till 7am. Just because I stayed out later then a time he found acceptable.

This morning I woke him up at 9am with loud music and he started waving a knife around infrount of dd. So I text my mum and asked her to come and get me.

I went to the police and he is still in a cell now. I will press charges but I do still love him and really need to stop myself from going back with him.

I cannot believe he did all this infrount of dd.

Also when he was arrested the police gave me my home phone bill which he had opened and had in his pocket. He was looking at it thinking I have been speaking to men or something. I stay with dd day and night, and am home every night. That was my first proper night out without him so when would I have time to be with other men.

Alambil Wed 06-Aug-08 20:12:14

You were very brave - well done.

Don't back out of pressing charges - he's a bastard that needs to be shown he is bang out of order.

TheArmadillo Wed 06-Aug-08 20:12:23

have you contacted women's aid or similar for support? 0808 2000 247 - freephone and 24hour.

You are doing the right thing, and it is going to be tough. You need support going through this. Noone should have to do it on their own.

SmallShips Wed 06-Aug-08 20:12:47

Bloody Hell, well done for the phoning the police, he is exactly where he should be. I know its easier said than done, but be strong for yourself and DD and DO NOT go back. You both deserve better than that.

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 20:19:20

thanks for the support. My mum knows we always get back together so told me maybe it is not agood idea to press charges as it could result in him loosing his job. And if we get back together he will have no job.

I really don't want to get back with him but even if i did i can't let him get away with doing that with dd around. he has done this kind of thing before but now dd is at the age where she sees it and is scared I can not let this happen...

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 20:19:20

thanks for the support. My mum knows we always get back together so told me maybe it is not agood idea to press charges as it could result in him loosing his job. And if we get back together he will have no job.

I really don't want to get back with him but even if i did i can't let him get away with doing that with dd around. he has done this kind of thing before but now dd is at the age where she sees it and is scared I can not let this happen...

TheArmadillo Wed 06-Aug-08 20:21:17

him losing his job would be his fault for what he did, not yours for reporting him.

If you don't press charges you are sending the message that you will put up with this.

He has done this before. He hasn't stopped. He deserves this and has brought it on himself. He chose to do it.

mankymummy Wed 06-Aug-08 20:22:46

are you seriously going to get back with him?

if so on what grounds? will you insist he goes to counselling at least?

who is more important to you, your DP or your daughter?

how old is your DD?

BlaDeBla Wed 06-Aug-08 20:23:50

So what if he looses his job? Life goes on, but it may not go on for you if you don't take action. Why risk your life and that of your dc?

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 20:30:26

I know if he looses his job that is not my problem, I told my mum even if I was to get back with him then I would not feel that it was my fault that he has no job, but she is saying just from a money point of view.

My dd is way more important to me then anyone, so that is why I called the police. He has done similar things before and I have not called them. But as she is 1 i cannot let her see this kind of thing, not now or ever.

I have not got any brusies as he was not punching me or anything (never has but was hitting as kicked me in my leg).

But was being very aggressive and didn't care for how our dd felt. When he was pushing me around and hittingme dd was screaming bt he didn't care.

mankymummy Wed 06-Aug-08 20:32:50

If i were you... i'd tell him to F off and never come near you again.

You dont need a man like that.

Your daughter does not need to see her mother treated like that.

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 20:39:08

i honestly know that and i am a strong independant woman. I started working part time so i could have my own money and not need to rely on him, which he was not happy about.

But i know that i will want nothing to do with him, then maybe a few months down the line he might manage to get back into my life through dd.

Maybe it will be different this time as i will not let him see dd untill he takes mr to court.

Also normally he is a good dad but i feel if he can do this around dd i cannot trust him to be alone with her..

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 20:41:33

he was just torchering me last night by not letting me sleep. Knowing i would not argue back as i did not want to upset dd.

he knows dd is my only weakness and the only thing he can use against me. so he did use her to get at me...

differentID Wed 06-Aug-08 20:45:00

Mamachat, you said you loved him. Can you honestly say that you love a man who is a violent controlling bully who will take your child from her home in the middle of the night and effectively hold you both hostage and threaten you with violence?
I think you just said a lot in that last sentence "I cannot trust him to be alone with her"

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 06-Aug-08 20:47:13

You owe it to your daughter to end it for good.

He will go further next time given a chance.

GrinningGorilla Wed 06-Aug-08 20:51:04

Just a little advice mamachat, make sure that police know to tell you when he is let out. They can release him without charging him even if you want to press charges. So just be aware.

If you want the locks changed before he is released the DV unit will be able to get it done for you for free and should co-ordinate it so that it's done before he is released.

popcorn123 Wed 06-Aug-08 21:05:09

You are very brave to have phoned the police. He deserves to be behind bars - you can't treat a stranger like that so you shouldn't be able to treat a partner and get away with it.

He sounds similar to my ex who would often keep me up all night to punish me for neglecting him in some way (like going out dor a couple of hours or watching a TV programme of my choice) - it is all coming flooding back to me!

Please never take him back. No know he is not going to change and believe me, you can survive without him. He will try every trick in the book to try and get you back - so you will need lots of support - women's aid are great.

Please read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft - it helps to explain why you have to stay away from him and explains that the times when he is nice are still part of his control of you.

I agree with GrinningGorilla - he will be mad when he is released. Women's aid or a solicitor will be able to give you advice on what you can do to protect yourself by changing locks/restrtaining orders.

Good luck - you do not need this man.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 06-Aug-08 21:06:44

He's not a good dad, he's subjecting her to abuse by making her witness his violence. Don't relent. A man like that should not have unsupervised contact with a child anyway.

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 21:12:34

thanks for the support, the police will let me know when he will be released. But he has not got a key, onlu for the back door so if i leave my key in the door he cannot get in.

I know he is just a bully and maybe with the right support I will not have him back. I am not even too upset about not being with him, i am more upset that dd has got such a rubbish dad who cannot be trusted to look after her.

mamachat Wed 06-Aug-08 21:13:43

popcorn - have you got dc's with your ex? if so does he still seem them?

NotQuiteCockney Thu 07-Aug-08 07:22:22

If you stay with him, odds are, years down the line, you will watch your DD put herself in a similar situation, or worse.

Do you want that?

BlaDeBla Thu 07-Aug-08 09:20:13

0808 2000 247 Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk Womens Aid contact. You don't need to be held at knife point or to have your eyes punched out to suffer the dreadful effects of violence, threats, bullying etc.

My brother is in a violent relationship. He is his father's son. I have never been in one since I left home, but it has taken a long time to learn to trust someone else not to beat me up and bully me.

Like you, I was never covered in bruises, and for a long time I underestimated the effects.

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

noonki Thu 07-Aug-08 09:44:52

you have been very brave

Ring woman's Aid,

you might be able to get help like a panic alarm

Your DD would not be taken from you if you stay split up, if you stay together she might

i would not let him visit her at all until he has been to court. he lost that right when he violent to you. You can organise supervised visit with him with your daughter through Social services, not that he necessarily has the right to see his daughter given how he has behaved in front of her

You know you shouldn't get back with him. if you stay together the amount of long term emotional damage she will have will increase. Also if is likely that he will violent towards her.

life on your own will be infinately better for you both. Your dd will be much better off with no father than a aggresive father.

mamachat Thu 07-Aug-08 19:54:19

Thanks for the support again everyone.

i have been to the police station today to collect my back door key that he had and then found out he also had my spare key for my car. Not sure what he was planning to do with it.

so i told them I defently want to press charges.

Yesterday when I spoke to the officer dealing with it I felt like ex p had talked him round and the office did not care what had happened to me. He asked if I had any brusies which at the time I didn't and felt as tho he thought I was lying.

As a few little brusies are visible now I showed him and he took pictures. It is not fair that they can make you feel as tho you are lying just because I am not covered head to toe in brusies.

I will go to court but I am upset that he will not be able to have a good releationship with dd. I know it is his fault but on a normal day he is great with her. I am sooo annoyed with him for doing this as wish my dd had a better dad...

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