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I am so lonely and I want to go home

(14 Posts)
Paradiso Wed 06-Aug-08 09:44:54

I live here in the UK with my partner, we have a little girl and are getting married soon.

I really love him and we both adore our daughter.

The problem is that I am from Australia nd since I had my daughter I just want so desperately to be at home with my own family.

I am incredibly close to my mother and sisters. He is not particularly close to his family but he has always made it clear he could never live in Oz because he does not want to live so far away from them and feels an obligation to take care of his parents.

He feels that I have been dishonest about my intentions because I have never said that I wanted for us to go home. I don't know if I felt it all along or if it just came up when I had my daughter.

I just have this overwhelming desire since I had her to bundle her up and take her home to my own family, we are so close (though we drive eachother mad!!) and talk endlessly about everything under the sun. I want her to be a part of that.

His family are very nice, but he admits that he is pleased that having a child actually gives him and his parents something to talk about.

I suddenly had this epiphany last night that the rest of my life is going to be miles from home, sitting around a table with his family, talking about nothing more than whether I would like a second helping of peas forever and ever.

I don't know how I let this happen.

I just feel so miserable.

Mikafan Wed 06-Aug-08 09:48:37

how old is your DD?

Paradiso Wed 06-Aug-08 09:49:47

4 months

oops Wed 06-Aug-08 09:55:01

Message withdrawn

Elmosgirl Wed 06-Aug-08 09:56:00

No advice just sympathy.

I felt exactly the same after DD1 was born, although my situation wasn't as extreme as my family were only a 2 hour drive away so not as extreme as you situation although because of my parents work commitments I could rarely see them and they never had a very good relationship with my DD.

My partner was the same as yours and said he was from ** and I shouldn't have had children with someone from there if I wasn't prepared to stay.

His family weren't really interested and we rarely saw them. When DD1 was just over a year and I was pregnant with DD2 he agreed that we could move if I wanted to....we have now moved to be near my family a few weeks ago. It has been the best decision we ever made, my family can finally have a real relationship with my children.

I am sorry you feel like this, think it is fairly common after having children to want to be near your family and to share it with them, I hope you find some sort of solution you are all happy with.

Mikafan Wed 06-Aug-08 10:11:25

Also, do you generally feel down? Could you have a touch of PND maybe - everything will feel worse than it is if you have.

Paradiso Wed 06-Aug-08 10:16:14

PND has crossed my mind - I am loving parenthood though and don't finf her difficult.Maybe I am letting hormones run away with me? DP thinks being at home all day I just have too much time to brood.

Carmenere Wed 06-Aug-08 10:27:35

I can completely empathise with you. I am from Ireland and suffered terribly with home sickness for YEARS. Actually I was depressed but by my circumstances( that were terribly difficult)but not PND as I had no trouble handling my little dd.
My family are incredibly important to me and I suppose it is a much easier situation as I can see them regualrly BUT it was another mner who pointed out the bleeding obvious to me.
You can't put off being happy until you are at home.
Dp is smart enough to realise that for me there has to be some possibility of moving to Ireland in the future but dd starts school in september, we can't move now but he has promised to reassess the situation before she goes to secondary.
If your dp is totally inflexible about the idea of you relocating, that is a huge problem. It is convenient for him to say that you have been dishonest with your intention, he has been a bit unrealistic thinking that an aussie who loves her family was going to be happy on the other side of the planet from them foreverhmm

I would advise you to plan regular holidays home and have an agreement to at least think about relocation at some stage in the future.

Marina Wed 06-Aug-08 10:36:49

Paradiso, PND is not letting your hormones run away with you (sure you know that wink)
I think it is pretty normal to brood or question your life situation when you are the first time mother of a four month old baby - it is such a cataclysmic change to your existence, becoming a parent. If you have a close relationship with your parents, of course you will miss them terrifically now you are a mum yourself, and they will be missing their new granddaughter as well.
All I can say is, based on friends' experience in a similar situation, nothing is set in stone. How portable is your dh's career? And what about you? Is it at all feasible to think, later, of a move to Australia? Our friend didn't miss the weather, funnily enough, but she missed her family, the food, the beaches and pretty much everything else about Sydney. So, having initially decided to return with her dh to the UK, they moved back to Oz when their ds was a year old, and stayed there for seven years. Then...they came back to Europe and spend a lot of time in the UK. Her dh's family are amiable but they are not close (apart from a brother). Her family, luckily, are able and willing to visit.
You do not mention how you are finding friendship now your baby is born. Have you asked your HV for the contact details of local postnatal groups? Are you in a part of the country where there might be an Oz expatriate network? How about the NCT? In the absence of your own family for the time being, friends could be the new family?

Kally Wed 06-Aug-08 11:37:27

I also moved away from my family. altho I didn't have children for 8 years I was syill homesick terribly for them but would come home to visit every year.
Then DD1 came along. I was so heartbroken that I couldn't share her with my family and it suddenly felt like I was struck with the reality of 'bringing her up in this foreign place' (when all along I loved the country I was living in, and loved hubby). I didn't go home for 15 months as I knew if I did I wouldn't come back.
The DS2 came along... and I was crying non stop. So my Dad brought me home for 6 weeks and whilst I was there I went through a transition. When I left parents, I was glad to get back to hubby. Not that the trip went sour or anything, but time had passed and I felt better about things.
It takes time. You'll get used to it. You'll keep intouch and ramble on about your family as your kids grow and they will know them well from you telling about them. When we used to go back to family, my kids knew my family well even though they rarely saw them. Because I always kept them close together.
You feel as if they are missing out on all you have and had back there as a family. family humour, family traits, family incidents... I know that feeling. But they will know because you'll keep it going.

My kids loved my lot. Infact more than they loved his lot because they were not like me, and I was the bigger influence on their being. There was always a bond between them. My daughters favourite aunty is my sister, and they are so alike in nature... they look like my lot... they have the same humour...
Now my children are young adults and because of those bonds they are close to one another. They make trips to see each other. They are close family, even though they miles are inbetween.

Don't worry, they won't be alienated, you'll unknowingly make sure of that.

Paradiso Wed 06-Aug-08 12:13:27

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and for your kind words.

Kally, your story was really heartening.

I have decided I am going to ask DP to commit to living there for a few years, while DD is till very young it shouldnt be too much f an upheaval (I wouldnt want to do it when she is older and has established friends).

Then we will need to agree to going home once every two years for a holiday (hopefully, and finance allowing, might be every three years).

I do feel much more positive about working out some sort of compromise so thank you.

angel1976 Wed 06-Aug-08 14:20:26

Hi Paradiso,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. You are not the only one... When DS was born, I felt an overwhelming desire to go home (I'm from Singapore, DH is from here). I kept insisting I DID NOT have PND as I felt I was bonding with DS fine (I still don' know today if I do indeed have it?). I was so depressed though. DS was very difficult (cried all the time) and I loved him to death but felt really lonely and isolated. I have a big family, very close, drive one another mad but lots of love and small kids while DH's family is rather formal and only see one another once a year. Funny thing was before DS was born, I felt good living here, away from all the family dramas etc so I know what you mean about your 'intentions'. DH would come home, I would be carrying DS crying, haven't eaten all day...

DH bought me and DS tickets to see my family and when DS was 16 weeks, we went alone (DH was very busy at a new job). I saw my family and while I loved my time, I also realised things weren't the same without DH. I spent 3 weeks there and in fact, cut my trip a few days short as I was missing DH so much. I think it's easy when you are hormonal to see things through rose-tinted glasses... I also realised I had routined myself into a corner (I saw all 'easy-going' all my cousins' kids were while mine had to sleep at a certain time etc). I resolved to make things better when I came back.

DS is now 5.5 months and I've started going to mummy/baby groups, I made friends with mums I meet at the baby clinic and DS has since been on two playdates! I've taken him swimming. I've taken him to baby yoga. And shopping! So what if he sometimes cries when we are out, it's no big deal. I am really loving it now. TBH, your LO is still small. I found it so much easier from about 20 weeks onwards, when DS was more alert, did more and loved watching activities happening in the baby groups etc. GL to you! You really are not alone. CAT me if you need to talk!

Ax

AnnasBananas Thu 07-Aug-08 11:16:41

Paradiso - in the same boat as you, really. I'm from NZ and met DH here in UK ten years ago. He's not from UK either but in the Forces and career mad so he might as well be British as our life is here as he's not trained to do anything else anyway. I was v happy to be here in the beginning, quite an adventure etc but when the children came along I started to feel a longing to be home and 'share' the grandchildren with my parents who miss them desperately. I live with the guilt that I'm depriving the grandparents of knowing the grandchildren. Plus soldiering on alone with no back-up if things go wrong (DH currently on operational tour for six months so I am totally on my own). So how do I cope with all this? I got an all-inclusive phone package so I can ring 10 times a day home if I want to, that way I feel the GP's are up to date on a daily basis with what we are they are doing. That helps. I try and go back every two years and I'm lucky enough mum and dad can come once a year. It's expensive, though. I hope we'll go back one day before the children are too old ie say Mum and Dad we're staying here... BTW even though you might feel OK I was told by HV being away from your immediate family I was 'sitting duck' for PND so keep an open mind. Do you have friends with babies similar age? It does help to keep busy. Big Hugs

AnnasBananas Thu 07-Aug-08 11:19:32

Echo Marina's thoughts...NCT groups and the like v good idea.

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