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It seems we are more or less unanimous that the OW is always evil, so why do so mwny women find/put themselves in that position?

(63 Posts)
whatdayisit Tue 05-Aug-08 17:37:47

There have been a few threads recently, where a woman finds herself either in or on the verge of an affair.

There is no sympathy to be found for her here. So why is it, if we (women) agree that the OW is always a bitch/homebreaker/nasty piece of work, that women keep having affairs with married men?

And why is it that we prefer to blame the OW, rather than the men who chose to play away?

thelittlestbadger Tue 05-Aug-08 17:41:25

Not that I've done it mind but women have affairs with married men because

a) they want a man who can commit to a relationship (ie not 32 going on 15)

b) he's already been trained to not be completely selfish by his wife

c) he likes children

d) he's put up with this terribly unhappy marriage and deserves true love hmm

We prefer to blame the other woman because we like to think men are simple creatures who can be easily ensnared and more to the point, they have to be forgivable because there is almost always the possibility that the relationship can be rebuilt and you need something to start that forgiveness process from.

beansprout Tue 05-Aug-08 17:41:51

Low self esteem, settling for less. That's my theory.

beansprout Tue 05-Aug-08 17:42:33

Men are like dogs. Getting a bloke to want to shag you isn't rocket science. hmm grin

SheikYerbouti Tue 05-Aug-08 17:47:28

I do hate the assumption that OW are "evil" wheeas the bloke is "daft" of "stupid"

Erm, NO. It takes 2 to tango - they are nboth as bloody well bad as one another

IMHO, the man should take MORE responsibility because it's HIS relationship he is ruining (unless of course the OW isd in a relationship of course) He could CHOOSE not to shag someone else, he could CHOOSE to be fair to his wife/partner, He could CHOOSE to keep it in his pants

BVut no, men are obv stupid and can only think with their penises.

Load of misogynistic crap, IMHO (and I have been cheated on to in the past, by someoen I left mty hom,e town to be with,m and then who ran off with my "best freind" They are BOTH eveil IMHO)

ambercat Tue 05-Aug-08 17:53:03

I blame them both,

h for betraying me and not having the balls to tell me he was unhappy in our marriage.

His slapper for continuing to sleep with him once she knew he was married with 3 young children. Do not understand why someone would do that.

SheikYerbouti Tue 05-Aug-08 17:53:15

Men are not like dogs.

I have 2 sons and would certainly hope that they wouldn't treat their wives/girlfriends in the same way

I know plenty of women who think they can have their cake and eat it too.

Men should be perfectly capable of making a decision NOT to shag someone else while they are involved in a relationship, be it a 20 year marriage or something that has gone on a month, IMHO.

stirlingmum Tue 05-Aug-08 18:03:59

I think when you first find out that your beloved h has been sleeping with someone else the following goes through your mind...

1. It is obviously all ow fault as my h wouldn't do this to me.

2. ow must have dragged him off to bed against his will.

After a few chats with a counsellor I realised that I was trying to lay the blame at the ow's door when really my h has a mind of his own.

He had made the wedding vows to me 14yrs previous.

He knew me and the 3 dc loved him dearly and this would change our lives forever.

I was also scared of laying the blame at h's door as I thought I would end up hating him and I didn't want that. I wanted to hate her angry

stirlingmum Tue 05-Aug-08 18:05:11

sorry - that doesn't really answer the op - but I feel better anyway!

ninah Tue 05-Aug-08 18:14:05

I think some women enjoy competing for a man, sad to say.

Alexa808 Tue 05-Aug-08 18:17:18

Being lied to by the guy.

busybeingmum Tue 05-Aug-08 18:19:35

Message withdrawn

prettyfly1 Tue 05-Aug-08 18:22:12

i dont think the general consensus on here is anything like that at all - many of the women on here have been on both sides of the fence and quite often teh other woman gets very badly hurt. what about the women who dont know the man is married until she is already heavily emotionally involved. there is never ever a general rule on why this happens. some women are men eating wretches in mini skirts who like the thrill of another womans man. some are young and vulnerable and dont know any better. some just fall in love with the wrong person. just like some men and devious predators incapable of keeping it in their pants, immune to the pain it will cause their wives and others are trapped unhappily in a marriage they feel they cant leave due to the kids and some just get drunk and do something silly. to generalise or call people evil is just flamebaiting of the worst kind - and jsut so everyone knows, I have been cheated on and i have cheated so i can see both sides.

MamaGLovesMe Tue 05-Aug-08 18:23:23

Def no sisterhood when it comes to affairs.

prettyfly1 Tue 05-Aug-08 18:23:41

oh good god - you know in your case i think hating her is a fair point - what a bxxxtch. see takes all sorts.

whatdayisit Tue 05-Aug-08 18:25:12

See that's what I mean busy - "She made it available to him within days of meeting him.
She was happy to sleep with him knowing he had an unknowing wife and children."

So he didn't make himself available? So he didn't know? Oh yes he had issues. She had just lost her home!!!!! I'm sure your situation is not as straight forward as that, but I bet her side of the story is a bit different. (fully understand why you'd rather not know BTW)

So, as I said we all seem to agree that it is always "evil" to sleep with a married men, what makes these women do something that they know is "evil"? Is it that when you're in the middle of it it suddenly doesn't seem so bad?

minorityrules Tue 05-Aug-08 18:25:29

I have been the other woman, I was lied to ad didn't know for a number of months. I believed we had a chance, when I found out we didn't I ended it

Now I will be flamed hugely....

I have also had sexual relationships with married men (not full blown affairs) My reason, at those times I wanted intimacy without relationships. Not proud of it and never out to wreck a marriage.

I do think a lot of men are starved of intimacy in marriages/long term partnerships, many women stop the sex side. Many men stop intimacy too. I believe a strong relationship needs sex and intimacy, if it's not there, people will search for it elsewhere

Alexa808 Tue 05-Aug-08 18:25:40

BBM, what a psycho. God I hope she's disappeared down some abyss... How can she be 'tracking' you? [shudder] [thinks of rabbit stew]

prettyfly1 Tue 05-Aug-08 18:32:08

how on earth did she know who you were on mn? thats almost impossible unless she knew from someone - my own family dont know who i am on here! But i dont agree your husband was manipulated - he slept with her knowing she was needy and desperate - which is exactly how she sounds - apologies i know that so isnt what you want to hear and god knows i feel for you - as if you didnt have enough on your plate with a ds with difficulties and a partner with mental health issues - but she sounds pathetic so what was the appeal -most men would run a mile if a woman started declaring love after 4 days.

about to be flamed as well but i do think that for many men who cheat (i just asked my best friend who is male - very faithfull to his beautiful partner but its interesting to ask their perspective) and he says that a lack of initimacy long term is like repeated rejection to many men and no matter how much they love their partner its so difficult not to stray under those circumstances.

Alexa808 Tue 05-Aug-08 18:36:21

My dh also says he needs making love to feel extra close to me and share intimacy.

Have heard same as prettyfly1 says from other men, too.

Flmsprrw Tue 05-Aug-08 18:36:56

i am very anti-cheating.

I don't just hate the ow, I am generous and share out my anger evenly.

There is NO reason why a sane adult can't stop themselves from f*cking about with lives. If you are in a relationship, that is it. You're unhappy? You leave, you don't screw someone else.

If you're single and "fall in love" with a married man then you walk away. Yes, it may hurt like hell, but there are other lives that count here, and they were there first. I couldn't bear the responsibility of causing that pain.

OW who say that the partner/family isn't their responsibility are lying to themselves. If your involvement is what causes the pain then it is your responsibility. If you find out midway through the affair that he/she is married then you Walk Away.

Not that that answered the question because I have no idea grin I honestly don't grasp why it is so hard to look at the pros and cons and walk away.

Flightputsonahat Tue 05-Aug-08 18:36:57

Whatdayisit before I answer can I just ascertain that you aren't a sociology student please?

Tortington Tue 05-Aug-08 18:37:33

i blame both. however i would blame my dh far far more.

whatdayisit Tue 05-Aug-08 18:40:29

Flight - no I promise I'm not a student - just interested as to why we (women) always want to blame other women, whether it's the OW for "stealing" the man, or in some cases, it seems, the wife for not being able to keep him.

Flightputsonahat Tue 05-Aug-08 18:41:45

Oh I can see you're around generally, sorry - didn't recognise the name.

Will write more if I get chance this evening

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