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Advice for a friend? Anyone that has been cheated on please give your verdict.

(20 Posts)
ForAMate Tue 05-Aug-08 15:26:43

Hi all, i don't want this to be a book so please bear with me and i do appologise for it being so long(i have also name changed to protect friend).

A friend has been suspicous about her partner for a few years about him cheating on her on one off seperate occasions, I too have agreed with her suspicions but she never has concrete evidence to say anything to him, as she feels he would lie more or he would hide the evidence even more.She knows by his eyes when he lies about minor things like spending too much money so she feels she pretty much has him sussed.

They have 3 children of 9yrs,4yrs&5months.

On saturday night he went to a stag party and then was coming home, it was a private function that was hired till 2am so no need really to be going on to a club, but he then went on to a club without letting her know (she wasn't bothered) and she received a text at 3.35am saying on my way home,no taxi's. He then rolled in the door at 4.45am shouting "thank f**k i am home".

She found this very strange as he never says anything usually when he gets home, she thought he must have walked 3miles to get home. In the morning about 11am she tried to wake him to say it was a lovely day and she wanted to take kids out, she was told to get herself to f**k he was staying in bed. She proceded to open the bedroom curtains and window as the room stank and she took his dirty clothes from the side of the bed to wash them as they stank, as she sorted through his pockets she found a condom wrapper, she put the jeans in the wash as they were caked in dirt (she felt he had probably fell walking on the way home). Then she got to his white shirt not only was it dirty but it smelt of perfume and all up the right sleeve was covered in foundation, she said she felt sick at this point.

At 1pm sunday afternoon he eventually got up, she asked about the taxi situation and how he had got home. He said he waited on a taxi from 2.50pm till 3.30 in a taxi q and when he got to the front the security taxi staff said to him sorry mate thats us finished for tonight there are no more taxis, he said he then went a walk about town and had to top up his phone to phone a taxi company to pick him up at another part of the town and thats why he took so long to get home, she then said what were you doing crawling on you hands and knees about town as your clothes are filthy, he said he must have spilt his beer down his front, she then mentioned that there was foundation all down his sleeve his answer was well there are girls that go clubbing what are you trying to accuse me of, she then asked why he had shouted as he had come through the door, he said he was glad to be home. She then mentioned there was a wrapper in his pocket he said it must have been there for a while maybe when they were away for the weekend together.

I had my friend at mine all day yesterday and she was so upset she couldn't feed the baby i had to make a bottle of formula as she was in no state to even hold the baby. Some of the story does favour to him and i was saying she should not think the way she thinks about him, i then had an idea about telephoning the taxi company just to put her mind at rest about the whole situation. I phoned and asked why on sat night were the taxis stopped at 3.30pm as i was waiting in the taxi q, the office manager did not know what i was on about and took my number and said the security taxi staff member would call me back. An hour later a member of staff did and it was the man who was staffing the taxi q on sat night, he said there were three staff on that night and none of them finished till 5.10am until all the public had got a taxi that were in the q, the staff finish but the taxis continue to run all night and use that taxi rank till 8am.

My friend left my house at 6.30pm last night to go home. She has since phoned this morning to say that last night he folded the washing and bathed the baby, he has never bathed the other two kids when they were babies and never has he ever touched the washing in thier whole time together, she now feel this is a guitly concious, what do you all think? i don't think she should confront him just yet, i think if he has done anything she will be able to watch him squirm before working out if he has cheated on sat night as his behaviour will continue

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 15:28:07

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FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 15:28:43

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ForAMate Tue 05-Aug-08 15:33:47

yes cod that might be true, but do you not get involved with your friends when they need help, if you have nothing constructive to say then but out

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 15:39:02

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LivingLaVidaLurker2 Tue 05-Aug-08 15:42:36

I have learned from bitter experience that it is best not to get too involved, even though you are clearly a good friend who hates seeing someone you like feeling so sad.

Just try to be there for her, listen when she needs to talk and resist the temptation to suggest ways of proving his infidelity. It is very hard, but the best way to be a good friend is simply to be there for her when she asks for help.

ForAMate Tue 05-Aug-08 15:48:14

cod i know ITS NOT MY MARRIAGE nor would i want it to be, i am there for her but i need opinions from people that have been cheated on, they know how men lie and how their behaviour is, i do not, thats why i'm here looking for advice from people who have been through it, i'm not passing it all on to my friend i just need to know how to support her and what things to say that will help her, he may be innocent, he may not be, but if i have a few opinions then i will know what to look out for on behalf of my friend to help her along the way, her head is in a whizz and so is mine because i do not know what i am dealing with i have never been involved with any friends or family members who have been cheated on

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 15:53:05

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ForAMate Tue 05-Aug-08 15:55:05

do you think what i done was wrong tel the taxi company, i only done it because she was in no fit state to call herself, i suggested it and she said herself why hadn't she because the system they do here she knows very well that the taxi wouldn't just stop running, my dh has also said not to be getting too involved which i totally agree with, my friend actually suggested for me to text him in a way making out i was the suspected person he had supposed to of been with, under no terms would i, especially if he has not done anything on sat night or any other times she thinks he has strayed, afterall it could all be in her head and she could be very insecure

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 15:56:20

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lulumama Tue 05-Aug-08 15:57:21

if she has been suspicious for a few years, she needs to look back and ask herself why.. circumstantial things like coming home late, smelling of perfume do not necessarily mean affair..

if she has had years of not trusting him, then she needs to talk to him ,and either get to the bottom of things, get some outside help and they can work through things and make it work, or not.

all you should do is listen and support, don;t start slagging him off and urging her to confront him/ dump him etc... if tehy decide to make a fresh start,she won;t thank you for it

she needs to spend the time at home with her H, talking and communicating and working through things with him and then make a decision

he might have been making an effort as he realises he was in the wrong and wants to make it up to her

i would be a supportive ear, and nothing else

ForAMate Tue 05-Aug-08 15:58:10

piss off cod

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 17:46:30

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lulumama Tue 05-Aug-08 17:47:09

really glad i posted hmm grin

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 17:49:17

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lulumama Tue 05-Aug-08 17:50:36

hugs, hun x LOL wink

FluffyMummy123 Tue 05-Aug-08 17:51:08

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lulumama Tue 05-Aug-08 17:55:51



Quattrocento Tue 05-Aug-08 17:56:01

Washing as the sign of a guilty conscience?

Gosh my DH must be guilty of extreme crimes <eyes him suspiciously>

Oh I think your mate is going a bit loopy. And you are getting over-involved and prob. not helping tbh

wannaBe Tue 05-Aug-08 17:58:03

hmm this bickering really isn't helping anyone is it?

Tbh, I think you need to be careful about getting too involved. You've called the taxi company now and it's done, but if this friend of yours is already paranoid, then you giving her ideas and "looking out for signs" on her behalf you may just be fuelling the paranoya which may or may not be unfounded.

If her dh has cheated on her regularly over the past years, then i think it's unlikely that he would suddenly go on a guilt trip after one incident. After all, if he's had several one night stands then he's obviously used to lying without a conscience, so why would this time be any different?

If she has doubts then she needs to confront him over them. They either need to sort things out or she needs to end the relationship, but that's a decision that only they can make, and you cannot have an input in that IMO. All you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces if her suspicions are proved to be right.

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