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If this is love, I don't want it!!!!

(46 Posts)
scaredoflove Mon 04-Aug-08 17:10:34

Back history.....

Fell in love age 17, he didn't love me, felt out of control, ended it. Year later he came back, smae scene, I ended it again. The day he first kissed me I thought I was going to pass out

Month later me the man who I married. I loved him but was never IN love with him. 12 years on we divorced. That was 10 years ago. I had one mini relationship, again loved but not in love. Ive had casual friendships/sexual partners in the last 10 years

So now, I met someone online. We met a month ago after chatting for a year as friends. We talked all night, had a snog which was fabulous. Everything felt very natural, no awkwardness. He's attractive, solvent, funny, fit etc

He is a workaholic, very open so I know it is only work (I have his home address, home phone and brothers details, all he offered up) He doesn't answer his phone very often or answer texts very often either. I have been very laid back and tried not to be on his case, even tho I want to lol Work is his life, he works 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, that isn't going to work is it?

So we had dinner last night, which was lovely. He told me he really likes me and wants to date, that I'm wonderful. We came home and had amazing sex. Now the crunch, I had to stop briefly as I thought I'd pass out again. Is that lust or love?

I hate this feeling!! And I know this isn't a normal reaction. I have spent all day with butterflies and that feeling you get before you get on a rollercaoster. I want to run and tell him I can't do this, but I know that is a stupid reaction

Am terrified of getting hurt, is it better to hurt now or later, but then I want what normal people have

How do you have the courage to try in relationships? I'm a strong woman, I work, I raise my kids on my own, I do all my own diy! Why does this scare me so so very much and how to stop these butterflies? What if he isn't feeling anything?? God I'm a wreck

scaredoflove Mon 04-Aug-08 17:11:45

sorry for ramble, just needed to get it out

scaredoflove Mon 04-Aug-08 17:13:37

oh and when he does phone/answer he is very chatty, so not all one way, but then when silent, I feel like shite and think he doesn't want anything

I sound so pathetic and needy

SNoraWotzThat Mon 04-Aug-08 17:16:32

He is almost unobtainable....maybe that is the attraction. He's working hours do appear OTT almost like avoidance for any kind of RL contact.

Normal is good, sorry you are a wreck ATM.

ELR Mon 04-Aug-08 17:20:53

no its all normal, its scary because its out of your controll and its emotions that are effected and you never quite know how you are gonna feel

scanner Mon 04-Aug-08 17:30:03

It IS a normal reaction partly lovely and partly horrible. The scary bits will ease up. DH took me for a meal when we'd been together just a few days (day after we'd first slept together blush) and I had to leave the restaurant due to a panic attack. It still feels strange when I think back to it.

Go on, be bold ride through the weird bits and enjoy the great stuff you might come out the other end happier.

scaredoflove Mon 04-Aug-08 17:30:45

He has his own business and is planning on retiring in 3 years (45)

He divorced 4 years ago and I think he has just kept himself busy. He said last night he hates sitting in alone. He has teen daughters that pop in but he hates not living with them. Last year he built a house, this year he is working

He is off on holiday tomorrow with his daughters, I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring, we going for dinner if he finishes work before bedtime (so not me lol)

Kally Mon 04-Aug-08 19:23:14

I've been in this situation as well, I think a lot of mid-life women who have been through a bit feel the same as you.

Its as if you have full control, you stave off but inside you really want to let go but are shit scared to. Like being pushed off a cliff.

I had this with the first guy I dated after my marriage broke up. Only I went into it thinking still in 'wife mode' and boy was I in for rude awakening. I nearly, nearly got my heart broken. In fact the pain of that experience hurt more, than me actually breaking up with my ex-husband. I know why, I was enjoying it soooo much, I was enjoying it naively and with pure abandonment. Not realising the dangers. I was so wrapped up in the ecstacy of it, I wasn't even aware of what he gauged our relationship as.

That ended and I was so careful after that. I noticed the more I held back scared, the more they wanted me. I'd dip and dive and do body swerves, just not to get emotionally attached. The minute I felt that pull and weakening, I'd back right off. But you can't enjoy anything like that can you?

Now having healed I am in another relationship and with his persistance and consitancy I have let my hair down a bit. But I still get really scared and paranoic. I think he knows this and accomodates it. He'll call and reassure and has made a conscious effort to contact me every day as I requested. But I still get the eeby jeebies and feel like dumping it all, even though I enjoy him so much.

We are ALLOWED you know, allowed to be scared, allowed to be out of control, allowed to get hurt now and then.. allowed to go for it and enjoy the ride of that roller coaster. Just relax and you'll be an easier person to love. Just always keep a bit back for self preservation, an inner thing.

scaredoflove Tue 05-Aug-08 00:15:07

Well the phone rang, very sweet (yes i'm wonderful lol) but he's at work and will be til early hours, so no dinner

Kally that makes loads of sense but how do you let go of that control? I've never let it happen and now I feel so out of control

Good thing is he is quite open but I don't know how he is feeling exactly, other than I'm wonderful

I have tried to back away citing he is too busy but everytime I have, he has contacted me immediately to say don't do it, give him a chance, he'll make time, but he hasn't

I've got 2 weeks grace now as he's on holiday, so can stop fretting about it

I honestly never thought I'd find myself in this position, I thought I had my feelings locked away (tbh I thought I was incapable of these feelings)

mocca Wed 06-Aug-08 09:18:48

Wish I'd read this thread earlier! Identify so much with OP (strong woman but wreck at moment too!). 3 months into a relationship with a really lovely man but very hurt by ex-husband and scared s...less about getting hurt again. I know he really cares about me but I still have panic attacks and awful anxiety, which I think are abating a little now. Every time he doesn't answer a text I think it's the end.

Your man sounds as if he likes you a lot but if he works 24/7 that's no good and he needs to make time for you. Good for you though making him aware it's a problem which it is -what a crazy lifestyle! You want to be with someone you can actually spend time with and not just be waiting for him to make time. Absolutely normal for you to feel the way you do, come back here if you want any support and hope you can keep it together over next 2 weeks.


mocca Wed 06-Aug-08 09:18:49

Wish I'd read this thread earlier! Identify so much with OP (strong woman but wreck at moment too!). 3 months into a relationship with a really lovely man but very hurt by ex-husband and scared s...less about getting hurt again. I know he really cares about me but I still have panic attacks and awful anxiety, which I think are abating a little now. Every time he doesn't answer a text I think it's the end.

Your man sounds as if he likes you a lot but if he works 24/7 that's no good and he needs to make time for you. Good for you though making him aware it's a problem which it is -what a crazy lifestyle! You want to be with someone you can actually spend time with and not just be waiting for him to make time. Absolutely normal for you to feel the way you do, come back here if you want any support and hope you can keep it together over next 2 weeks.


Kally Thu 07-Aug-08 13:06:34

I think the thing to do, and its something I have done... don't expect the dynamics of the relationship (too busy, works too many hours, doesn't call enough etc) be your measure of how it should be. For the initial stage anyway. The way a relationships works out is the way you two will eventually pull it together, if it is meant to be you will both accomodate, become flexible, understand etc... But this takes time. Like learning dance moves together. You're not going to know at the outset, until he learns you 'twirl' best like that or he 'steps' better like this.
We all come from different relationships, but each one is different and unique and you have to wait patiently to see how the dynamics set themselves according to both your desires.
I was married to a very intense person who needed constant updates and clung onto all I did (awful) and for a good few years I found I looked for that with other men I dated and was perplexed when it was different. Took it personal, when all it was is that they were 'normal' (ex was not!).
Slowly get your heads around it, you'll both accomodate and all this uncertainty and scared feeling will go away and you'll both find it easier, relaxing and you'll enjoy being inlove. Stop gauging what should and shouldn't be felt 'at this stage'...

scaredoflove Sun 31-Aug-08 03:13:27

Just an update (letting it out)

He went on holiday, heard nothing on his return for 3 days. Then he phoned to say he came back with a bad bug and went to hospital over night. We text all weekend and chatted on the phone, that was last sunday. I haven't heard a word since

I have sent a couple of bright and breezy texts but tonight I sent one saying he is being very unfair and then a long email, laying it all out, asking for some answers and a proper goodbye if it's totally finshed

Now feel total prat! should have slept on it

It's took me years to have the courage to try again, and I go and pick an arsehole

I could kick myself, everything points to him being married/in relationship, i'm such an idiot!

LittleMissTickles Sun 31-Aug-08 04:09:49

Scaredoflove, don't jump to conclusions just yet. There may be a perfectly rational explanation for his silence. There may have been a tradegy involving a family member etc etc, just try to shut it away until you hear from him. You are not an idiot, not not not. Hang in there.

MindingMum Sun 31-Aug-08 08:21:21

scaredoflove - I so feel for you on this one but i definately don't think you have made a prat of yourself - you did exactly what anyone would have done in your situation.

The horrible problem with new relationships is that you never know for certain what the other person wants and feels and this is something we all have to go through, painful as it is, otherwise the alternative is stay alone.

I do agree with MissTickles though - anything could have happened but i know you won't rest til you do know and he owes you that at the very least.
The other explanation for his silence is that men have great difficulty switching from one mode to another - he may associate you with his work life and if he's not back at work yet, you may not have come up as priority yet iyswim?

If it was you who had been away on holiday, you would have been desperate to get home and contacted him (most likely you would have been in contact while you were away too) but ime, men aren't like that - more sort of out of sight ,out of mind.

Speaking from experience (but not wanting to give away too much as i am married)men who are wonderfully attentive and say all the right things when you are together and then fail to deliver when you are apart, are often just insensitive rather than liars.

i hope it all comes fight for you and please let us know


AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 31-Aug-08 08:52:08


I think you've got yourself into a destructive pattern which started when you were 17; the pattern has continued since then.

You need to work out exactly WHY you are so terrified of getting hurt. You will continue to repeat this destructive bahaviour unless you seek help for your own self - you have to unlearn these patterns.

Some ways forward for you would be to have relationship counselling on your own to establish exactly WHY you are so afraid of being hurt (perhaps you feel that you will ultimately be abandoned). Perhaps as well you've subconsciously picked a man this time who is "unavailable" in an emotional sense due to his work hours. This again follows the pattern that you've had to date.

What was the relationship with your parents like; was their relationship a torrid one with lots of rows?. Did anyone walk out?. Of course you don't have to answer but if either answer is yes then you may well have the roots of why you act like this now. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did yours teach you?.

Text messaging is a curse on relationships, texts are a very poor and lazy way of "communication"; infact its non communication.

I think you can beat this fear but you will need to put the emotional work in to your own self. You have to love your own self first before you can love another.

scaredoflove Sun 31-Aug-08 15:02:02

It doesn't come from my parents, they still together, 60 years! I know where it comes from, it comes from bad bullying at school...I would go weeks when no one would speak to me and when I was 15, I thought I had made some friends... only to have turn on me and say they were friends with me as the boys liked me! I was pretty and having grown up with brothers, I wasn't ever silly around boys, I had a lot of boys who were friends. Then I dated the 'popular' boy but when I ended it, everyone said I was nasty as the boy cried, I spent the last months of school being ignored by everyone

I don't ever give all of me away, no one knows the real me. I have been working on letting go for years, I never want to be vunerable

As for email, still heard nothing....maybe he is trapped under a large rock! lol

zippitippitoes Sun 31-Aug-08 15:56:36

i think i would delete him

even if he isnt in a relationship he is clearly not the sensitive guy that you need

its not your fault but he is taking advantage of your good nature at the very least

dittany Sun 31-Aug-08 16:03:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beaches Sun 31-Aug-08 16:22:22

The bullies took your school years from you, are you going to let them dictate the rest of you r life also?? Stop hiding behind your past and embrace what the future could be... How do you know this guy was'nt just enjoying the newness of everything when you got all intense on him? I did exactly that, I was abused in childhood and throughout my life, also bullied and lost a brother to sucide, I met a guy last year, Iwas a single parent as was he, we fell head over heels, I got too intense because of my past, our relationship broke under the pressure and he left me, pregnant! That was in May, we took a step back, I ironed out some creases and we are now stronger and closer then ever looking forward to our little baba. I have learnt life is for living, not surving.. You are a miricle, a goddess, so what if he did not get that, someone will! Learn from it and move forward...
you have to kiss a few frogs before you get a prince smile

zippitippitoes Sun 31-Aug-08 16:25:18

if you around 40 and you are still feeling the pain of times at aschool maybe you would benefit from some one to one counselling or positive thinking like cbt

scaredoflove Sun 31-Aug-08 16:46:47

I've had counselling and CBT, not just for the bullying, (I was also raped at 15)

I had just resigned myself to have issues and the easiest thing has always been just to avoid deep feelings, have chose men that aren't looking for commitment and just had friends that were boys (with benefits) instead of partners/boyfriends, much easier to be distant than get hurt

This bloke knocked me, I met him with the view of all the other men in my life, just a fling, I really didn't expect to have feelings, so strong and suddenly, It hasn't happened before. Sods law it happened with someone who didn't feel the same

I'm not going to contact him again, if there is a valid reason for the silence (trapped under a rock!) I will talk to him if he ever contacts me but would keep my distance!

scaredoflove Sun 31-Aug-08 21:12:28

Just had email, he says he has been really ill, same bug as from his holiday, he says he is a typical man, thought he was dying and wrapped up in himself to contact me and is very sorry

he says will phone me tomorrow for a chat and to set some boundries for both of us

Am happy to have an explanation (if it's true) but do I give him a chance, can't help thinking he should have told me before and I should toddle off but then am also thinking everything else about him is perfect. If i toddle off am I doing my usual running thing?


dittany Sun 31-Aug-08 21:16:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaredoflove Sun 31-Aug-08 21:20:36

No never been to his house but I do have his address

You're right as in I need more from him, if he phones, that will be part of the boundaries

Why can't men be more upfront, if it's all true just say what you isnt hard. They all seem to want to play it close to their chests

I guess I just need to see if I actually get the phone call now

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