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Would you leave your husband on this basis?

(26 Posts)
mummychangeshername Mon 04-Aug-08 15:23:05

Regular but name changed.
Pros- DH is stable, emotionally sorted in many ways, good job, faithful, great at DIY and with kids ( now grown up and at uni) Loves me.
Cons- I feel we have little in common any more, can spend all night not talking except about kids, is totally unromantic, never does any romantic gestures, crap at present buying/celebrations, he has no friends, doesn't make effort with own parents/siblings, bit of a loner.
I no longer fancy him- sex hasn't happened for years. I don't miss him when he is away. Everything he does irritates me- from how he eats to his untidiness. I feel he no longer knows me and who I am.
Divorcing would mean an end to a comfortable lifestyle, and painful for the kids.
Can you stay in a marriage being "friends" even though you feel you just don't gel on a deeper level? Am I looking for something ( which I felt I have had with ex's) that does not really exist after all these years together.
I don't want to say any more about my situation for fear of being identified, but would welcome your thoughts on what I have said.

nailpolish Mon 04-Aug-08 15:23:48

can you remember why you married him?

mummychangeshername Mon 04-Aug-08 15:27:02

yes- that's the problem- I was desperate! Been dumped too many times, biological clock- tick tocking- had big doubts- but went ahead thinking it would be okay .

tab1 Mon 04-Aug-08 15:27:13

it depends, sometimes friendship can be enough but imo you will always be wanting more. my mom met her 2nd husband when she was 54 and they are totally in love and enjoy time together and i'm so pleased for her, i'm proud that she chose to be on her own for a while in hard circumstances, got herself together and has moved on.

crokky Mon 04-Aug-08 15:27:43

Simple answer, no. I would try anything I could to fix it. The pros are very big pros. The cons are fixable, but I don't know how. You have shared so much, can you not get any of it back?

nailpolish Mon 04-Aug-08 15:28:56

when you say he irritates you , that to me is some thing that can get worse

would you be happy to be a sngle parent?

what scares you more - being alone, or being without dh

crokky Mon 04-Aug-08 15:29:09

PS am a child of divorced 60 year olds (they divorced when I was 18). I don't mind the fact they divorced as there were good reasons. (Dad was abusive).

nailpolish Mon 04-Aug-08 15:29:28

ohi see your children are at uni

sorry

zippitippitoes Mon 04-Aug-08 15:30:21

i dont think anybody can answer for you

you will get older will you feel less for him as time goes on

can you imagine caring for him physically or him looking after you in the future if tiw as necessary

could you ever get back to enjoying and planning things together

you may have another 40 yeARS TOGETHER WILL IT DEPRESS YOU

Overmydeadbody Mon 04-Aug-08 15:30:34

Does he know how you feel? Does he feel the same way?

I'm sure people can and do stay in marriages like this if both parties are comfortable with the arrangement, but what you described doesn't exactly sound healthy does it?

If everything he does irritates you you've got three chopices really:

1. Stay in the situation, changing nothing, living out the rest of your days as you described. I'm guessing this is not what you want!

2. Accept him for who he is, don't let yourself become irritated by him, and work on rekindling your relationship together or starting fresh with him, learning about each other again etc.? Is that possible do you think?

3. Call it quits and split. As painful as it may be initially for the kids and you both, chances are the kids already know how you feel anyway and in the long run will just want both their parents to be happy.

Does that help at all?

I would not stay in this kind of relationship, but what do I know, I have never stayed in a rlationship for more than 4 years so imagine it takes a lot more to leave someone after spending a lifetime with them.

solidgoldbrass Mon 04-Aug-08 15:39:48

How would you feel about him having sex with someone else. Try to picture it. Do you miss sex, or are you not fussed?
Romance is very over-rated, BTW, most of the romance industry is dedicated to making people spend money rather than actually contributing to human happiness. If the person you live with is kind and friendly and shares the childcare/domestic work then that is a better prospect than hearts and flowers from someone who also throws plates at your head and tells lies, for instance.
Is your DP happy, do you think? Is he aware that you are not happy? WHy not think of three things you would like to change, discuss them with him and ask him what three things he would like to change about your lives. If he's a good person then it's worth discussing your situation with him in depth before doing anything radical.

mummychangeshername Mon 04-Aug-08 15:41:18

My kids tell me I am always grumpy- small wonder.

I agree that re-kindling it is the best option, but tbh when he proposed I had met another man- not serious but enough to give me doubts over DH. My feelings had petered out before wedding a LONG time ago now- 25 years. Went ahead anyway- but wasn't sure. Have had lots of ups and downs over years but stuck it out for kids- now they are older I am suddenly thinking I could get out of this- yes, I'd be poor, yes, I would not have anyone who cares for me- BUT I would be being true to myself and not constantly thinking that I made the wrong decision all those years back.

I know it's my decision and I know I should try to get things back if possible- but he makes NO effort at all, except to say "What are we going to do this weekend then?"- and then it is down tome to come up with something exciting - and to plan every trip/holiday we have had in all the years we have had together.

mummychangeshername Mon 04-Aug-08 15:44:32

solidgold- you talk a lot of sense,thanks, but he avoids discussion- he just doesn't "do" emotions. I have told him flippantly that I am not happy, and he seems to think I am joking and does not talk about it. the thing is- how can you tell someone you just don't fancy them any more?

Him having sex with someone else- been down that thinking route- it doesn't bother me. sad

Yes, I like sex- but not with him any more.

expatinscotland Mon 04-Aug-08 15:44:52

No, I would not leave my husband over this.

I'd try to work things out and give up notions that it's supposed to be like a Hollywood film.

My folks have been married for a little over 44 years now.

And yes, sometimes, they BOTH go through periods where they feel like this. Who knows, your husband might feel the same way about you just now?

I asked my dad about it one time. He said, 'I promised to her, I swore to God. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't meant it.'

Then I asked my mother once when we were in Europe. She said, 'When I said for better for worse, till death do us part, I meant it.'

I think you owe it to someone you went through with marriage to to at least talk it over/bring it up.

nailpolish Mon 04-Aug-08 15:47:24

i think its sad when you cant even have a meal with your husband without getting irked and irritated by his eating habits

sad

i hope you manage to work things out

mummychangeshername Mon 04-Aug-08 15:47:27

expat- what you say is very real, for you, but I don't belong to that school of thought that says you can't change, or feel differently as years go by.
My parents will have been married for 60 years soon they too have had their ups and downs but they belong to a generation where you didn't divorce.

zippitippitoes Mon 04-Aug-08 15:49:12

well if he is asking you what you would like to do at ther weekend and prepared to fall in with your plans and pay for them then i think i wouldnt give all the time you have had together too easily

does he get angry or belittle you or make you feel low
or lonely
those are the kind of reasons i would leave for

but not without trying to put things right first

expatinscotland Mon 04-Aug-08 15:50:27

That's not true, mummy, MANY of my parents' friends are divorced.

Some many times.

Sounds like you've already convinced yourself.

It's your call at the end of the day.

expatinscotland Mon 04-Aug-08 15:51:13

If he so irritates you, maybe it's better you let him go. He might be happier with someone else.

nailpolish Mon 04-Aug-08 15:52:05

you do sound like my mum

she had similar reasons to waht you described

she left my dad ten years ago and itwas the best thing she did

they still meet occasionally - for a coffee etc

and they both come here for xmas

Blu Mon 04-Aug-08 15:59:56

I would make a gnuine effort t see whether it can be rescued - perhaps involving counselling - you on your own might be best s that you can share some things alone...- and with some sort f plan - letting him know seriously that you think your relationship needs to flourish or be put out of it's misery.

tbh, I think it might help if you thought of it more from his pov - not how hard done by you are by your 'sacrifice' to have married him in the face of another man, or how much irritation you have had to put up with - but what he has sacrificed to stay in love with you and to support you in a lifestyle which is clearly impotant to you.

He has remained a good partner despite not being truly loved, he was marrying someone who had doubts, he is married to someone who does not find him attractive.

In some ways, for the sake of his dignity, perhaps you should leave. I think there is a lot to be said for staying together when children are younger - but once you no longer have that relentless responsibility, you should be developing a new phase in life - not stagnating, so i wouldn't stay together fo the sake of it Your children will be sad, but they are grown up - they won't suffere as a result. It also sounds as if you could stay friendly after a split?

solidgoldbrass Mon 04-Aug-08 21:41:36

If you feel irritated by him but at the same time a bit sorry for him (because he is not loved by you) and have respect for his good points (kindness, fairness, considerate behaviour to you) then it's probably salvageable. If you feel contempt towards him ie that he is stupid and a loser for staying with a woman who doesn't love him, then it's gone beyond salvaging (because you can't ever come back from that).
Either way, counselling is perhaps a good idea because it can offer you ways to make the split as good as possible.

Kally Tue 05-Aug-08 00:11:09

If you stay and just let it go on you will just be bitter and resentful and it will get worse. He doesn't sound as if he deserves that. Its really unfair.
I got like this with my ex and the sorriest part was the fact that he wasn't even 50 yet (me neither) and we were loosing out on so much happiness. I used to look at him, hate him, be irritated by him, dread him and feel so sorry for him, because someone else could have been enjoying him (and me) but neither of us had the solution to split (or the balls). So one morning he just got his stuff and left. I must admit I respected him so much for that. He put the beast out of its misery.
Today he's got a new lady (we're on different shores) and everyone says she's lovely to him and seems a nice person. And I'm so glad and releived.
I have a new guy and love what I feel right now.
Had we stayed together, we might just be stuck in the rut and grow old ignoring each other and being 'tolerant'. No sex, no caresses, no litle jokes and excitement.
We both have that now.

LostinOz Tue 05-Aug-08 05:30:39

From what I have read I don't think you can salvage things, sorry maybe a bit unhelpful. The the core foundations weren't there in the first place and you have moved on as an individual. You have to ask yourself can you live with the compromises and get on with it, putting on a smiley face, or take a risk and break up. Also think about your health, grumpy negative thoughts are not good for you, or your kids. You have done lots for them. You need to decide what you want. Don't feel guilty about opting for the cushy life if that is where you end up, just don't resent your hubby for your choice.

Sorry if this is blunt.

You sound like me, 10 years on.

I am still with him, but am scared where we are heading, I am asking myself the same questions, you sound exactly like me when you talk about how you feel, I am 35, have a DS 4 and can see myself where you are.

Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

alipiggie Tue 05-Aug-08 05:39:43

Expat if only everyone felt like you, I wouldn't be facing middle age as a single hard working mum with an Ex who has happily moved onto number two since me. He made vows to me, but they meant nothing to him and neither did he remain faithful.

To be honest you're better off deciding if you can continue and let your emotions fester and ruin the friendship you have or try and talk about it and deal with it head on. Second LostinOz, don't resent your husband for the choices that you also made. Life's way too short for that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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