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OH HECK,PLEASE HELP!IM THINKING AND THINKING!

(82 Posts)
lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 13:32:27

ok ladies here i go.
im 35 married 12 years this september.3 kids.lovely life,fancy car,plenty of hubbies money and i am the mum/wife i always wished i would be and i live the life i hoped i would.
but,when my kids were all little,(i had 3 in five years!)my hubby wasnt great.hes a career man and concentrated on that.i let him cos i was doing what i had to do and looking after 3 little kids.
as they got older,now 10 ,8 6.things started to feel wrong.i realside i loved my home,my kids,my car,my life,but not my hubby.

wrongly i had an affair,but oh heck i fell for hi big time,and i treid to end my marriage twice,the other guy couldnt cope with the resposiblitiy of being the reason a family broke up,so he ended it.

since then(two years ago)i absolutely through myself into my kids/hubby/marriage.i cook/bake/clean,all the things i am meant to do after me and hubby decided to work it out,cos he loves me desperately.
hes a good man,loyal,hardworking,kind a great dad and provider,but a night,when i get in bed,i cry.cos i just cant stand the thought of him touching me.not even a hug or a kiss.he says that he doesnt mind,cos he would die twice for me if he had too,and he loves and fancies me still very much.but years i have been like this and it wont go away no matter what i do.i have tried i really really have,with all my heart and best efforts.
thing is now we have separated.told the kids etc,so im not goin back on my word to separate and mess the kids about.so im determined to take some time to really find out how i feel about him.
he though manipulates me with all the stability he brings and all the perks if you like that being married to him brings,mainly shopping trips and a cabriolet!
after all these years of having this stuff its hard to think about losing it all just cos i dont fancy my husband,and to put the kids through all the upheavel which ofcourse we are making as little as possible,but when does a woman put her feelings first?
all my married life i have put kids,him first.and its just lad to into the arms of another,so should i listen to my heart,or go with my head.
its not right to not want to be intimate with your hubby.i have convinced myself im a cold unloving partner,but i know inside thats not true,but with hi i have never been any different.with the other guy i was very loving and intimate,so i can do it.i can "want"to do it,so im confused.
i sopke to the solicitor today cos my dh has confused me about finacial things.turns out i will get the house cos the equity in it is low a,d that i may even get maintenece for just me(which i dont want)as well as maintence for the kids and him to pay the mortgage,the cars will have to go but im not really bothered,dont ge me wrong its lovely having nice stuff but its a car right?

so ladies what would you do.12 years of marriage.6 years of it being a struggle.crying at night,lovely man,wanting other men,3 kids and giving up a lovely life that doesnt seem to make me happy inside.im i just shallow or should i listen to whats going on in my heart?

such a bloomin mess

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 04-Aug-08 13:47:09

Do you feel you ever loved him, lislou? How did you feel on your wedding day?

stirlingmum Mon 04-Aug-08 13:49:21

I believe you need to be happy yourself, regardless of what everyone else wants.

I think it is a brave and sensible decision to separate without anyone else involved so that you can see how you feel when you are not with him.

Obviously all the perks are lovely but money doesn't make you happy.

I truly hope that you find happiniess smile

lilmissmummy Mon 04-Aug-08 13:57:59

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to love and be loved and you deserve to be content with your life and if you are none of those things then I think you are doing the right thing. If he truely is the good man you say he is then surely he deserves to have someone love, fancy and be intimate with him too.

I agree with stirlingmum that it is a brave and sensible decision to seperate and as long as you are honest with him and your children about your reasons and your feelings then they will understand.

Money isnt everything and there it is a great feeling to stand on your own two feet without someone supporting you.

I wish you the best of luck. Stay true to yourself.
x

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 14:18:36

phheeeeeeeeww.
all such kind words.
i feel so responsible for everything.
i know i shouldnt have had an affair.
but well poop happens.we are good parents and told the kids together and there were tears.we told them the truth that we had been struggling for a bit and that we wanted to sort it out once and for all ,cos my eldest goes to high school next year and i dont want to be doing this when thats happening for him,he worked away recently on a course for amonth and the kids were fine with it,just came home at the weekends so this is the same as that technically,but i know they are thinking about it but thats cos hes walking around crying in front of them.it hurts me too but i am so good at pretending that i dont appear to be upset,but as a mum thats what we do isnt it.

i just feel like im depriving them,of their lives as they know it,kids do see things differently that we did as kids.i never had anything as a kid,black and white telly in bed at 6!only one tv in the house and no crisps ever!and my dad killed himself when i was 11 and so to be honest when i met my hub i though"wow hes goin be a great dad"and that was the main factor why i married him,i always new i needed to have that.
but hes like my dad now.like my best mate and my big brother.and i need him for cuddles and security.
i am so used to being taken care of that i not sure i can do it alone........

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 14:25:10

to the poster at the top.on my wedding day i felt safe.
i loved him
but i wasnt in love.
i found a great man,noone would ever say a wrong word about him and he loved me!
i know i am still attractive,(so i am told)god wasnt being vain,but i am not bad at all.and i look younger that i am,the other guy was 7 years younger than me and incredilbly beautiful.i just wanted stare at him all the time,and well all the other areas were fine if you get me!
but what if noone else will want me?
3 kids is a lot for any man to take on.

i suppose im just feeling all the things i should be feeling while this all works itself out.

lilmissmummy Mon 04-Aug-08 17:11:04

Of course somkeone else will take you on but I honestly think you need ot have some time to be you for a while- to know what you want and do things you like doing. To learn to stand on your own 2 feet and to be totally independant.

I have 2 children and was in a violent relationship. After 8 years I managed to get out however I was mentally scarred... I had nightmares was living in a council flat with two children under 5 a complete wreck!!

I had counselling and got myself to a point where I wasnt dependant on anyone else and that I enjoyed being on my own.

2 years ago I met the man of my dreams, we have just moved to a new house, we are getting married next year and he is the kindest, amazing man that I have ever met.

They are out there, they will take on children and you deserve to be happy (not superficially happy) but REALLY happy!

If I can do it- so can you!

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 18:30:54

ahh thanks.

what a storey you have told!

i know im tough somewhere,but years of being married makes you a bit fik!

i will get there,anyway im still not 100% that its over with my hubby,but its looking grim and i will give it a big old crack of the whip at being single and thinking etc.

just going through all the feelings im meant be going through i guess,but you helped me see a bit further down the line so thanks!

xx

MamaGLovesMe Mon 04-Aug-08 18:37:04

You say you can't bear him to touch you but later you say you need him for cuddles.

You do talk more about the financial perks than anything else, and it seems to me you are trying to justify things by saying that's what mums do, isn't it?

No way am I having a go. It must be a terrible situation, especially for your husband and children who have done nothing wrong.

All you have done is decide you can no longer live with a man who doesn't do it for you, but you have 3 kids so he must have done it for you once or thrice?

If you could get some passion in to your life, and fall in love with him, would you stay?

You married very young, are you thinking the grass is greener?

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 18:49:58

i know your not having a go,and thaks for the angle you have looked at it from,sex was necver great with him,but this isnt about sex.i think theres a lot of women who lie back and think of england,but i dont think of him in that way anymore.before i enjoyed sex cos i was getting love whilst doing it.i still get love now but if im honest i never gave it.its like he never gave me that spark in my eye.the one that you give only to those who get right into your heart and soul.

but yes when he pulled up outside with a brand spanking new saab cabriolet for me i did get a thrill,but the novelty soon wares off.
he bought be 2 grands worth of watch and i love it,but its just a blooming watch isnt it!tells the time just like a cheap one!
its how hes kept me happy and beleive it or not i NEVER asked for these things.
so i have to decide where the greater thrill is,which one will last longest
am i being romantic expecteing more than i have in my heart?
have a watched too many drew barrymore films!

i dont want to be a middle aged woman with a fancy car and maybe a drink problem and holidays abroad with a hubby i cant stand while my kids all go off and start their lives.

i dunno i honestly dunno.

MamaGLovesMe Mon 04-Aug-08 18:52:31

"so i have to decide where the greater thrill is,which one will last longest"

Do you really mean you are deciding between life with a man who can provide for you materially in style but you don't love nor want sex with, or one who excites you in bed and whom you can love?

I would be careful. You might find yourself deciding about a man who has left you for someone who can love him.

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 19:22:13

well yeh i can see what your saying,this si the first time i have really though about things .

hes a good man,he has no intention of finding someone else yet!
hes catholic and actually beleives in fighting.
this has been goin on tho for years now

so the question is when you know deep down you have tried everything and yet still nothing changes,which part of life do you need?

stuff or love?

i am loved but i do not love(except kids)

i have tried so very very hard,but its just i dont want to be trying for another 5 years and maybe getting nowhere,i wanna love someone like they deserve to be loved and for them to love me back and the honest truth is that i want that more for him than i do myself.i feel like i am depriving him of what he deserves,dont get me wrong this man isnt perfect.he has my entire body weight that he needs to lose or else hes goin die!
but he doesnt care enough about losing it to actually do it and tha makes me mad as hell!
i have shown him by example that you can lose weight if you want to and eat right and excercise by doing it myself.i only had two stone to lose but i did it yet he didnt do it with me and i made every provision so he could.i did a dvd at night,in front of him and he sat and watched!
i did that for years!encouraging him to do it!i 8 and a half stone now and stayed that way for years and now do yoga to keep supple and active and i do that at home but he still doesnt bother.it wa the one thing i asked him to do!and he didnt.
i needed that aspect to be able to fancy him!
its ok for him cos he fancies me,but i dont him!

it is important to get turned on!
we have been through impotence too cos of his weight!
this isnt about his weight anymore tho,cos i have accepted hes always goin be big and stopped trying to help him cos if he doesnt want do it for himself then theres nothin i can do,but i tried!

ohh my heads hurting now!need a beer and its school hols too!

MamaGLovesMe Mon 04-Aug-08 19:33:06

Maybe he feels he doesn't have a reason to lose weight? Maybe he is happy as he is? Why does it make you mad?

It really seems like you are saying you have done everything you can and he has done nothing, which I am sure heisn't true. He took you back after you had an affair.

He is married to someone he knows doesn't love him or want to have sex with him. I can't remember reading anything nice about your husband, you just complain about him. sad Except when he buys you a car and even when he buys you a nice watch you belittle it by saying it is only a watch.

TBH I think HE would be better off without YOU.

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 19:41:16

ooh nice!

read the earlier posts.

i not a devil woman you know!

people dont have affairs without being blooming unhappy.

yes i pretty,yes i drive a nice car!

doesnt make me a bad person.!jesus!

im the one who dealt with newborn baby and a 14 moth old and 2 and half year old while he lay in bed with blooming tocilitous!
this was a day after giving birth!

this is the man who spends all day on the phone to work 7 days a week.telling his kids to shut up!
i have actually portrayed him in a fair light!

years of being ignored cos his job was more importane then when he realsies hes goin lose me he changes and becomes perfect!

you blooming have him!

sound like maybe you have a weight problem cos its always overweight people who take offence to other people having issues with it!
he is morbidly obese!
he is a dad!
he should sort it out!

END OF!

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 19:45:37

and yes a watch is only a blooming watch.it cant buy me,nor can a car!i drove 35 grands worth of car !but its just a car!

i have 2 grans worth of watch but its just a watch!

theres more to me or else why would i be on here hey?

he cant buy my heart....obviously!

he can have it all back too!

all i ever wanted was to be happy not a trophy wife,a wag,this is me!

time to stop what doesntmake you happy and find whqt does!

MamaGLovesMe Mon 04-Aug-08 19:46:14

I never said you were the devil woman or a bad person.

I am trying to post objectively and try and help you see things from another point of view.

I have my own husband, thank you and no need for anyone elses.

I think you will find I haven't been rude to you so pleae do not be rude to me by insinuating I have a weight problem.

You could try talking to him. Maybe he feels there is no point trying to lose weight if his wife is planning on leaving him anyway.

You say it isn't about him being fat and then go on to post several comments about it.

I was seriously trying to help you here by playing devil's advocate and maybe think about what you have but I am not interested in being insulted, so good night.

kitkat9 Mon 04-Aug-08 19:55:45

sounds to me like you wouldn't be there if it wasn't for all the material things he provides you with.

no-one has a perfect marriage, but do bear in mind that marriage is a relationship that needs kindness and compromise to succeed. If you wanted to, you could suggest counselling to him, as it seems like he would do anything to stay with you.

Do you think you would actually fancy him if he lost the weight?I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference to you, in the long run. Once you've reached that stage of not wanting him to touch you, it's very hard to turn that around. And you said you were never in love with him to begin with.

You're lucky he did take you back after you had the affair. Maybe it's time to put something back into your relationship.

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 20:23:21

i have put 100 percent in!trust me i could do no more!
i would in no way act like this had i not done all i new i could do!

its him who hasnt done what was asked of him.

i dint mean to offend but i do find overweight people are impossible to talk to in these matters!

im not saying you are but i did wonder!

he would tell you how i have tried!

years and years!

but there comes a point when you must stop before life passes you by and i think im there!

i needed to know that i had done everything i could psiible do or i would never give up.
i am a fighter

lets just say all the bad things that shouldnt happen to someone have happened to me and i came through it!

im a good person but i matter too.

i didnt mean to offend and i am greatefull for all your advice cos its what i need!

but i really really am at the end and i cant think of anything else i can do!

i dont want give up my life but i cant keep criyng myself to sleep at night,cos im a person too and i deserve to find my happiness and its not a nice black cabriolet!

and i never deserved or asked for it

you cant buy a heart

thankyou tho all of u i really will take on board what you say,but the weight thing is about his health and the fact its goin kill him as told to him by doctors!years ago he was told when all was well with us!

and still he does nothing!

thats hard to watch especially when you have done all you can to encourage him.

goodnight ladies sleep well

MamaGLovesMe Mon 04-Aug-08 21:44:12

I really am quite pissed off by what you said. Actually I am not over weight but even if I was it is none of your business, or relevant.

Stop trying to justify why it is okay to leave and just go.

How exactly have you encouraged him?

lislou Tue 05-Aug-08 09:25:07

did you read any of my messages.

i did and hour and a half of high impact aerobics dvd in front of him for two years!

i went from ten stone to 8 stone and a perfect size 10!

i went with him to the docs for the drung zenecal and then did all the cooking that goes along with that!

then i took up running to see if he would do it..now i do yoga everyday for an hour!

so i dont think i actually could do much more than that..do you?

MamaGLovesMe Tue 05-Aug-08 09:30:26

How about talking to him.

Kewcumber Tue 05-Aug-08 09:39:15

If you want to go then go and stop torturing him. Now that the taboo is broken, you will probably just have more affairs and if he is a practising catholic he will be stuck with watching you. Not nice for anyone.

Kewcumber Tue 05-Aug-08 09:40:59

"then i took up running to see if he would do it" - thats just bizarre - why would you think that anyone 8.5 stone overweight who is no doubt self conscious about it would suddenly decide to go running because their wife did it? I'm not even sure it would be healthy to run that much overweight.

lislou Tue 05-Aug-08 11:23:00

yes it is fine to run when you are over weight,i go with him to the doctors to check everything.
im a very healthy person,i always check before any change of exercise but by no means am i a fitness freak.

he is co
nfident enough to run too!
hes quite happy to be half naked in the public swimming baths!

i dont seem to be able to get it across how much i have tried and unfortunately how little he has tried.

believe it or not it IS the case!

kewcumber...i agree with you totally,he knew all about my affair,i told him.
i tried to end it after that cos i just didnt see how he could ever trust me after that.he chose to try!
and we did that for the sake of our kids.

as for more affairs well actually i wouldnt do it again no matter how unhappy i was,just because i didnt like the effect on anybody!

it wasnt a way out,so i shall not do it again.

lislou Tue 05-Aug-08 11:25:53

talk to him.....

i have cried and talked and helped and supported and now got to the point where i accept his weight.
but i dont like it!
it does turn me off!

i am allowed to feel the way i feel about things that affect me.

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