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another post affair thread....

(154 Posts)
ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 13:31:31

dh left me for ow a couple of months ago. our marriage was not in a good state (he was incredibly selfish after ds was born, and I put up with a lot of crap, but got quite controlling in my fight for the 'family'), and tbh I was ready to leave him too, but wanted to give it a last try.

I was gutted, but sorted my head out quite quickly, and got to the point where I was moving on (albeit with blips of feeling down / angry). I honestly got to where I felt I could carry on without him.

But, now he has come to his senses. He says he regrets what he did, feels ashamed, realises how important we are, is terrified of losing us forever, and will do whatever I want to make up to me. He was crying as he told me this, and in the 14 years we have been together he has cried once. He has def finished with ow, and she has disappeared completely.

I am not sure he is what I want, and need time out, but I do know I want to be his friend. After 14 years together, I dont want to say never, but I so hurt, my trust in him is shattered, I dont know I will ever get over this. And I am not sure at the moment how much i want to try. I made plans for my future, and would still like to see some of those through.

He says he will get counselling - he does have major issues to do with his own childhood, which I think are the root of what happened. But I need him to change really - I need someone strong, responsible, reliable, which in the past couple of years (since ds) he hasnt been. He says he can change and wants to be a person that I need and want to have in my life. I dont know if people can change.

At the moment we are friends, for ds sake, adn because we still get on really well. I really care for him, and understand good people do bad things. But I want someone I am PROUD to introduce to my friends and family, and after what he put me through, I feel I would hang my head in shame.

But I keep looking at the post affair threads on here, so that tells me something. And I keep checking my phone to see if he has texted me, and I look forward to his seeing ds, so I can see him too. But how can I ensure I get what I NEED and WANT, and am not going to get hurt again?

So where do we go from here? Any advice would be welcome.

laughalot Mon 04-Aug-08 13:40:59

Oh ratbunny I dont have any good advice but just wanted you to know I am here if you need to talk. We miss you on postnatal xx

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 19:28:00

thanks lal. I have kind of stayed away a bit while I tried to get my head sorted.
But now everything has changed - I was getting geared up for being a single mum, and now ???

I am so confused, I really dont know what to think

lilolilmanchester Mon 04-Aug-08 19:31:38

Have no idea what to say. Except that you have long history together, and clearly you still have feelings for him. Your DH had his head turned and has perhaps learnt that the grass is not always greener. Personally, I would give the relationship a second chance - but on your terms and take it slowly. Good luck and lots of people out here to help you through it xxx

NotQuiteCockney Mon 04-Aug-08 19:34:17

Life is complicated and scary and unpredictable.

It does sound like he's taking responsibility for his actions, and like he's taking steps to ensure it won't happen again.

I don't think you have to say 'yes' or 'no' forever right now. Maybe you can play it by ear, try being friends, see how his counselling goes, and then see how it is.

From what I know, counselling can make things worse for a while, before they get better, so maybe staying separated, for the moment, wouldn't be a bad idea.

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 19:38:43

thanks.
I just dont want to have to ever go through this again.
I do still care about him, and it keeps shocking me that he ever did it. Really, really out of character (and I'm not saying that from a naive pov, he just changed completely in a very short space of time). But now I know, I cant forget it.
But I am very sceptical of whether he can change or not. As I said, things werent great beforehand, and those issues will still be there, now AS WELL AS something else...
its so big, I dont know if I can work through this. But I am so sad if this is the end iyswim.

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 19:43:31

You probably saw my reply on other thread. My dh changed into someone unrecognizeable- it brought everything to a head and we got to decree nisi- then realised we still wanted to sort things out. There is often something really wrong with relationship and sometimes it can be chance for a fresh start.

Depends whether you can forgive him- we are still working on it.

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 19:46:13

it worries me that I will never be able to touch him again without thinkng of what he has done. comparing me to her, wondering if this is what they did.
I just dont know if I can ever get past that. I dont know if I WANT to get past that.
Its funny, I always thought women who take their partners back post-affair were weak iyswim, now I can see it is NOT the easy option.

So should I just take time out, and just carry on as friends in the meantime?

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 19:51:10

Yes- that is what I did, don't know if you do get past that stage as I am still there. I do have a friend who said it took 3 years!

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 19:52:49

well if I mayu never get past that then it's doomed really.
we had mixmatched sex drives anyway, and this will just make that worse.
This really has fucked everyuthing up. I was so willing to work things out, but now I really dont know if I am able to.

laughalot Mon 04-Aug-08 20:30:55

Come on stay strong and do what is best for ds xxxxxxxxxxxx

UC Mon 04-Aug-08 22:18:50

ratbunny, I think we might have spoken before on a post affair thread. I just want to say don't make any hasty decisions. Get some counselling, for YOU, regardless of what H is doing. If H left a couple of months ago, and has now "come to his senses" (that phrase maybe says a lot about how you feel?), then you have been on a rollercoaster ride from hell. You need some time. After what your H has put you through, he owes you that time. If he really means what he says then he will give you as much time as you need.

FWIW, I don't think anyone who takes their partner back after an affair is weak, I think they are incredibly strong and amazingly resilient.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 22:29:34

UC - that phrase does say a lot doesnt it? Never noticed.

Yes, I need time. But I dont feel i have it, or that I can wait (I am not the worlds most patient bunny)

oddly though it is ME who is putting myself under time pressure, not him. mostly because I am trying to buy him out of the house, with the help of my dad who is stumping up some money to help me. I dont want him to waste his money if he doesnt need to, but I dont want to commit to remortgage with H with an unsure future. I feel a bit in a muddle about it.

UC Mon 04-Aug-08 22:42:05

Why don't you continue with the buying him out of the house? Say you are willing to go to counselling but you offer him no guarantees. If it all works out, and you later decide that you do want to be with him for definite, you can always remortgage to buy your dad back out again.

I really do think that big decisions like this need time, and you might have to acquire some patience!! In the meantime, take it one day at a time. If you are enjoying time with him, then just enjoy it. Try not to be constantly talking about what went wrong, recriminations etc., sometimes, try and just "be".

I also wanted to say there is no reason why you can't see through some of your plans you've made for your future. You don't have to (and I don't believe you CAN) go back to how it was now. This is going to be a different (and hopefully better) relationship, if you want it to be that.

I also thought this - yes, people can change. People can learn new ways of behaving. Like driving a car one route for years, then by accident discovering a better one - you soon forget the original route - a simplistic example, I know.

And one more thing I thought (I have been busy!) - you don't have to be ashamed of him. If you decide you want him, then try thinking about it this way and see how it fits - the decision he made to ask your forgiveness was probably one of the most courageous decisions he has ever made - he laid himself totally open to rejection. He was vulnerable, and ime, that is a feeling many men avoid... So you could see it as something to be proud of in him - he knew he'd done wrong, but was strong enough to recognise it, and not only that, do something about it. Just another way to look at it for you.

ambercat Mon 04-Aug-08 22:46:51

Oh ratbunny have come accross you before, i am in a similar situation, h left me in april, says he doesn't love me anymore, there was an ow involved but he is adament she is not the reason he wenthmm

A month ago i was praying for him to come back to me and us to make it work but now i know how you feel about having moved on and starting to make plans for yourself. No real advice but to be honest i think i would still make a go of things if h "came to his senses" (unlikelysad). Sorry not much help, thinking of you.

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 22:53:23

aw thats some good advice uc

yeah, I suppose if in the future I needed to, I could buy dad back out, but I just know he will lose money (to cash in his shares). Mind you with the stock market going down, it could well save him money couldnt it?

and I see it as being totally different - we cannot go back to how things were, as neither of us were really happy. I suppose that this is the kick up the backside we both needed if we are going to have a successful relationship in the future (does that make sense?)

I suppose I am also fighting an urge to actually take him back right NOW, to go back to where I was a few months ago, and its that which is confusing me. I know that would be disaster - of course I cant get over it NOW. He needs to change a lot of things, get counselling etc, and so do i. I talked to him today, and it just feels right. But, no rushing this one. If its going to be right it has to take time, and it will be worth waiting for. If after that time I cant get over it, then at least I didnt write it off immediately.

So patience

ratbunny Mon 04-Aug-08 22:57:35

thanks ambercat - I think we may have crossed paths before
I agree a month ago I was also praying for him to come back, but I suppose my coping mechanism was to make plans and to be strong and to move on, so for him to want to come back kind of scuppers my plans iyswim. I dont mean it like that, but like I had prepared myself for not having him, so I didnt really consider what might happen if he did come back.
stay strong ((ambercat))

MyHeadIsSpinning Tue 05-Aug-08 08:29:52

((Ratbunny))

Another one here going through very similar circumstances. Ended it with (D)H a couple of weeks ago because he was still seeing OW - he swore it was an emotional affair - which is bad enough! As soon as I threw him out he wanted to come back saying he loved me his life is here with us etc, then he went in work saw OW - who is now offering him a relationship on a plate, offer to move in with her etc and became confused again.

We spoke at weekend and he isn't sure whether he wants to make another go of it with us or if he wants to try with the OW.

I've said I can't even think of trying again unless he resolves his issues, proves he loves me and wants me 100%. But even then I don't know if we could ever have anything again.

I also found out at wkend that he did sleep with her, when DD was about 3wks old on SCBU

I'm at the stage where thinking about what he has done makes me feel sick and TBH I'm not sure I could ever get over it. So inbetween the fears, hurt and utter devastation I am trying to be practical, pick myself up and move on. Difficulty is tho that I am currently on mat leave so I am reliant on him paying for everything. I'm swallowing my pride because I so don't want to loose this precious time with DD.

Sorry this is a bit of a hijack of your thread but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone , I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it so that none of this has happened for any of us

Baffy Tue 05-Aug-08 08:49:18

Another one here.

I do think quite often, it's only once we start accepting the split and making plans for our future's that they suddenly realise what they've given up and want to come back.

I do believe people can change. My H changed from the most loving, wonderful husband and dad (of 14 years!) to a selfish destructive wreck, within a matter of months.

Similarly I believe they can change again and put things right. But it depends how much they want to change. And how much they really have learnt about what's important and what you will/won't put up with during your time apart.

There's no right or wrong answer. UC's advice on here is great. Just take one step at a time and see how you feel. If you miss him, and it feels right to be with him, then there is no harm in giving it a try.

But I totally agree with you that you still want to see through some of the plans you made for your future, and I would urge you to stick to that.

My H and I are trying again, 14 years together, last 18 months apart. His OW is now having his child so I'm having to accept that she will NEVER be out of our lives and I'll have to be a step mum to that child. It's hard. And I too have days where I don't even know if I want to get past this. But I do know I love him, he's the father of my son, and it feels like it's worth a try.

we just need them to be the ones to now prove their love and be the husbands we deserve...

ratbunny Tue 05-Aug-08 09:58:09

I think another issue is the fact that I find myself believing him, believing he will try, that he wants this, yet he has been so dishonest - I believed him a few weeks ago too about various stuff, but he was lying then.
I have to remind myself that this man has majorly lied to me, and not to take him at face value, but its hard....
I just want to essentially go back in time, but as we cant do that, I need to set new ground rules for ANY relationship I have.
But I already know his faults, and he is the father of my son, so at least he has that over anyone else..

stirlingmum Tue 05-Aug-08 13:37:26

I have been watching this thread and can see so much of my life in what you are all saying.

I know some women can completely cut a straying h out of their lives, but I dont know how they do it. Maybe they are just being realistic in that they know their relationship will never be the same again. Maybe they are not willing to compromise on that (and good luck to them).

Maybe we are being stupid believing that we can make the relationship work again.

I understand that it will never be the same again, but sometimes that is a good thing. We were in a rut, the kids were taking every ounce of energy I had, H was away all week and reappeared on a Fri night completely knackered (and as I found out later it wasn't just work wearing him out!).

I feel like the child in me is stamping her feet and demanding that we have a good and happy marriage just so that the dc dont have what I had - a Dad that appeared every so often and then disappeared again to another life.

I do know that to get a good relationship after a crisis like this takes a lot of work from both sides and if one partner is not as committed as the other then it will never work. If one partners heart (or dick) is still with another, then we are doomed to failure.

Sorry, not much help, but I suppose what I am trying to say is that sometimes we might have to make decisions on the relationship ourselves without wondering what our partner wants to do. Maybe they lost all rights to a decision once they embarked on another relationship.

ratbunny Tue 05-Aug-08 21:59:38

Myheadisspinnig, baffy and stirlingmum. So sorry you are all going through this. It is very hard and confusing. I dont know about you, but I just swing from wanting him back to never wanting to see him again. I swing from love to hate and back again within about 5 minutes

I talked to him today again. It started off just frinedly how are you type stuff, but I did turn the conversation round again. I think I need to understand WHY this happened, so I can be sure it wont happen again. And so I can see why my previously loyal husband would fuck things up and hurt me so badly.

Well, he sounded very self-destructive. He said he felt our marriage was bad (in fact, I had already left him once) and we had a very bad counselling session (in which I felt the counsellor just added to our problems - I have complained to them about this!), and then he started an emotional affair. I asked why he crossed that line into having sex with her - the point of no return. He wasnt having sex with her til 2 weeks after we split allegedly. And he reckons he felt he had already lost everything - his son, me, the house- and had nothing left to lose.
And actually his artwork at the time reflected this. I can almost believe it, but cant really let myself yet, not til he has proven to me over time that he is trustworthy, as well as all those other things I need a future partner to be.

I need an outsiders opinion on this, as I am too close. I want to believe it, but feel the need to be wary, and not trust what he says til he can prove it. I mean, the excuses are there but the reality is he could have stopped and tried to sort things out. I always said he was a bit screwed up and needed help and was depressed, but thats me excusing him isnt it. As someone on another thread said - funny how many wives whose men cheat say they are 'depressed'. and doesnt guilt cause depression hmm

He does seem to be making an effort, and we have never discussed ANY issue like we are discussing this. Lack of communuication was a big downfall of our relationship. But, as I said, I really feel the need to be wary.

God, this is turning into a post affair blog...

stirlingmum Tue 05-Aug-08 22:19:31

I know, in retrospect, communication (or lack of it) was an issue for us too. H even said that, when he told me he was seeing someone else. He said "but we dont talk", "but I thought you didn't love me any more", "but you weren't happy".

We didn't talk much because he was away so much and when he was home he was knackered. And the other excuses were just his justification for having an affair. Notice how they were turning it round to being my fault.

I can honestly say that I didn't think things were as bad as he stated. I was shocked he felt like he did, and very angry that he hadn't just spoken to me about his feelings.

But, at the end of the day, this was just his justification for shagging a 29yr old (i'm 43).

ratbunny Tue 05-Aug-08 22:34:17

so whereabouts in all this are you stirlingmum?
has your dh ended his affair? are you still together? I know I have bumped into you several times before, but cant remember what stage you are at. blush

stirlingmum Tue 05-Aug-08 23:00:37

Well, h has been dithering between us.

He is definitely depressed but wont talk to anyone.

He definitely has some sort of strong bond with ow, in that he cant seem to give her up, he wants to still be her friend.

In the last couple of weeks he has told me he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't want to be my husband anymore (but he does still find me attractive - so that is confusing).

Then last week he went to his sisters to have some space to think and then he surprised me by calling his boss and asking for redundancy (which they are doing) and then called ow and told her he wont be speaking to her again. (ow works in same company).

I am worried though, that he is doing this for the dc as he really doesn't want to be a part time dad.

Only time will tell.....

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