It would be great to have some feedback as my husband's behaviour is affecting me and my child.
I have been married for now 9 years with a little boy of 2 years and three months. I gave up work and am looking full-time after our child; no nursery or childminder. My husband always had a tendency to shout, swearing and display a horrible face when the conversation is not going his way. However it is getting worse with him swearing at me in front of my family, in the common parts of our block of flats so that neighbours hear everything.
He has no compunction in shouting and swearing (calls me a f** bi**) in front of our child and people. Yesterday he shouted, swore and threw a roll of foil in my face in our toddler's bedroom whilst the child was watching all along; this was prior to bedtime. The child is now repeating Mummy is a bi** and is extremely upset.
I have also noticed that he takes pleasure in undoing all the work I do with our child during the week in matters of discipline and general behaviour for instance corner, tidying up toys etc... He always ensures that I have to start all over again when it comes to Monday.
Over the years my husband always promised that he will change but it is all talk on his part with no deeds. He has a drawer's mentality in that he agrees to something to suit the moment and then forget all about it until the next time. His excuse is that 'I nag'!!. I have asked him whether he swears and shouts at his bosses, colleagues when there are disagreements. I am absolutely fed up with the guy and thinks that the way forward is to move out as I feel that he is behaving like a teenager and not fit to bring up a child. Has anyone faced the same issues?
i havent been in this situation myself yvette but i do agree that this situation isnt healthy for you or your child. he is already starting to associate bad words with his mummy because that is all he hears day in day out when you and your DH argue. your DH sounds like a complete immature arse and he doesnt deserve a second more of your consideration as he doesnt pay you any consideration (or your son for that matter) good luck making your decision and all the best of luck for the future xx ei xx
would your husband agree to seek help with his anger issues? I definitely think that it is bad for your child to be exposed to this and your husband has GOT to stop. otherwise yes, I think i would be prepared to move out so that your son doesn't witness it
Don't put up with such disrespect any longer. Your son will learn to treat women this way. Have you tried counselling? If your husband is not interested in changing his behaviour then he has to know that you don't wish to be together with him anymore.
it sounds like my ex Yvette.......he was/is the same,but he got worse. anger management didn't work for him (3 lots of it). the verbal abuse is actually domestic violence,as is the controll aspects regarding your child.you could seek advise that way. what do your family say now they have seen this? is he violent too?
You are right, Yvette, you have to get out or get him out now. Before this escalates violence - the situation you have described is horribly familiar from cases of domestic violence. Abusive men like this get worse and worse if they are not stopped.
You are also right that he is not fit to bring up a child - and he's not fit to be in a relationship, either.
I wouldn't fanny around with counselling or anger management, tbh. He doesn't sound like he'd cooperate and from the description you give, it's probably gone beyond that point.
IF you leave/chuck him out and he's terribly remorseful, then maybe, if you want to, look at counselling and anger management at that point. But don't let him back into your lives until he's actually put the work in and managed to prove that he has changed, for good.
Shouting abuse IS an act of violence. As is throwing the roll of foil in the OP's face. He's not afraid to do this in front of other people and in front of his own child - it will only get worse if he isn't stopped.
Yvette, I'd also get yourself a bloody good solicitor who is switched on in terms of handling violent men. You'll need help to sort out access in a way that is safe for you and your son, for starters.
DOn't bother with couple counselling, it won't work because he will only agree to go in order to tell the counsellor to tell you to modify your behaviour and obey him in every way. That's what he thinks women are for. Contact women's aid, get good legal advice and get rid of this man before he starts hitting you.
Do you want to kick him out now, whilst he is publicly verbally abusing you and throwing things at your face in front of your son, and causing big problems for your son? Or do you want to wait until he is publicly verbally abusing and hitting both you and your son, punching you in front of him and ruining the poor boy's childhood? Because that is where this is going.
Contact Women'a Aid today for the advice you need. Good luck.
See a good solicitor, find out your rights - and hopefully get the locks changed. Don't see why you should move out, at all, but he certainly needs to. He's destroying your baby's childhood and won't ever change, because if he could act differently he'd be doing so already. Counselling helps couples with mutual conflict issues. It does not stop a bully.
Thank you very, very much for all your feedback and support. I am planning to take a week off on my own and think things through. Told my husband to book some holidays so that he can look after our boy. All of you were right to include having low self-esteem. Very interesting indeed. Many thanks again.