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Moving on after my husband's affair

(17 Posts)
whatevermaycome Mon 04-Aug-08 10:21:14

My DH has moved back home after three months of us living apart.

When he moved out he said he just didn't feel the same about me and there was no-one else involved. He later admitted that he had been involved with someone at work but nothing had happened (it was an emotional affair). Since moving back home he has gradually admitted there was more to the relationship and they had a full relationship, went for dinner, etc .

They still work together - he can't leave as it is his company and she doesn't want to leave.

The whole situation is making me very uncomfortable but he does not want to talk about it as I think he would rather forget everthing and move on.

On the other hand I want to know all the details of their relationship (maybe this isn't a good idea but I can't help but want to know).

Has anyone survived this sort of situation? What did you do?

beanieb Mon 04-Aug-08 11:47:03

Why did you have him back and on what conditions?
I think you need to sit down with him and make him understand that you are taking him back only with certain conditions attached. Talking about it should be one of those conditions.

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 11:52:39

Why did he move back? Has he told you everything do you think?

whatevermaycome Mon 04-Aug-08 12:03:42

He moved back because he said he had made a mistake and he couldn't believe what he had done, still loved me and our two children etc.

I did ask him to be completely honest about what had happened and he did tell me most things - however, as time has gone on other things come out (ie they both left their partners the same week).

Normally would insist that they no longer work together but it is DH's company and he can't 'encourage' her to leave because would be breaking the law. I rather hoped she would leave but apparently she has no intention of doing so.

Everytime I ask to talk about it he says he doesn't know how it would help and that he feels very ashamed and wants to move on. Think he likes to put it in a box in his brain and not think about it.

I want to know all the details but on the other hand not sure if it would help.

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 13:19:23

It is normal to want details and normal for him to shut it out.

I do know of people ( myself included) who have been in similar situation and have worked it out or are trying to work it out.

One word of warning (and he may be telling truth) is that in situations I know of , all men have said it was just emotional affair, but truth comes out later that they slept together.

I would be really concerned that they work together, but it does sound as if he wants to be with you.

You will have to talk and take things very slowly.

stirlingmum Mon 04-Aug-08 13:27:48

Personally, (and speaking from experience)I believe that you will have serious trouble moving on from this whilst the ow is still in his life.
HE may not see how talking about this will help but you will need to talk it through to understand what happened.
Have you tried counselling? The affair will have been caused by something and unless you talk it through it will always bother you.
I also think that he probably moved back in too soon and was dishonest with you about his relationship, which, to me, means he has little respect for you or your feelings.
I realise that this is a difficult situation with him being a director of the company etc but you need to make him see that he moved back in under false pretences, without telling you the whole truth.
All men want to put what they did in a box and move on but this is now about YOU and you must make him see that or the relationship will never work.

whatevermaycome Mon 04-Aug-08 13:29:10

Yes I think I have finally faced up to the fact that they slept together - I have asked him outright and he won't say he didn't - just said it won't help matters by my knowing.

Maybe he is right and it is best not to know.

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 13:31:34

Oh , I am so sorry, I know that gut wrenching feeling. I think you need space again now- see if he will move out for a bit. Too soon to move back , I agree.

whatevermaycome Mon 04-Aug-08 13:33:07

Absolutely stirlingmum - I have said that he moved back under false pretences but he just won't talk about it.

Tried conselling when we were living apart (turns out it was OW idea because she wanted a seperation agreement thrashed out and thought it would be a good way of sorting everything out).

It didn't really help (not surprising in the circumstances!) but perhaps we should try it again.

whatevermaycome Mon 04-Aug-08 13:34:23

Agree it was too soon but I thought it was just a work crush and nothing had happened at the time - pretty niave I know but I guess I wanted to believe him.

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 13:41:05

I have been there (it was my best friend), but with space, you might be able to sort things out. I would have some time to yourself, don't be needy to him or pressure him at this stage and if he wants to be with you, he will.

It is always more exciting when it is hidden, now it is open and the reality of divorce etc with children is there, he might not see it is such a good option.

It sounds as if other women is quite controlling? Do you know her? Have you met her?

stirlingmum Mon 04-Aug-08 13:41:32

I would say that there is no doubt that they slept together, especially as he had moved out for 3 months - I am sure they didn't just talk and play cards sad

I am angry for you that he is not answering your questions and just acts as though it is all in the past now and you can carry on as normal. Don't you feel angry??

I think you need to tell him that you can't carry on as normal until he is honest with you.

I promise you that this will always be a problem until it is addressed properley.

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 13:54:46

He doesn't have the right to be anywhere near you if he doesn't have the decency to be honest. I am sorry, but of course they slept together, how dare he tell you 'what is best'. Did he think of what is best when he indulged in his little mid life crisis.
You call the shots now, don't take any more of this crap, you owe it to yourself and dcs.

lislou Mon 04-Aug-08 13:56:06

i just posted on said about my problems since my affair.from the other persons point of veiw,he didnt have an affair without being unhappy enough to do it.i dont believe me think only with their mens bits!
you have to address those previous problems
or it will never work.details are good cos they make you see the full picture.
or else you will just drive yourself mad with questions,but after i told my hubby the details he became impotent!
so there was another problem then!
you both got to want to fix the problems there before,then you can get on to the ones after!
either way its going be hard and requires total effort on both sides.
i think my marriage is over,and i feel sad that i may have wasted some precious years of youth on something that seems to be doomed

but i wish you well anyway,you will live either way.

whatevermaycome Mon 04-Aug-08 14:07:52

Yes I have met her - went into his work after I found out with the children and introduced myself. It was after this that I realised it had being more than an emotional affair - you don't refuse to say anything and look sick if nothing has happened!

I think he knows that if he tells the full facts there is a good chance I will end our marriage.

I could cope with a work crush - not sure I can with a full blown relationship.

Yes I was stupid to believe it had all being just talking and hand holding but I guess I am a bit niave - never thought he would have an affair either!

deepinlaundry Mon 04-Aug-08 14:12:14

I think most people think that it will never happen to them. I believed my dh too that it was 'emotional ' affair.

You need to get him to tell you everything before you make a decision- if you both want it to work , it is worth trying.

Can anyone take dcs for a day or two, so that you can have some time to process this?

stirlingmum Mon 04-Aug-08 14:14:31

I am afraid that I never thought that my h would have an affair either sad

But I do believe that once they have taken that decision, there are things that they must do before normal life can resume.

Have you asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around and you were telling him that the details dont matter and just move on?? I sure that would be different then!

Please be strong and dont let him dictate how things happen.

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