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Would you leave your DH for this?

(130 Posts)
BEAUTlFUL Mon 04-Aug-08 09:37:50

I posted about this last night under my other name, but I've decided to come clean and tell all, as you lot are brilliant and clever and will know what to do. I haven't got a clue.

My DH is OK most of the time, a good father, and helps out a lot at home. He's not an amazing provider-type as he has only just started working for himself, but he tries. We make each other laugh and the sex is lovely.

BUT. He has a temper, and he refuses to stop smoking weed (which he does every day, at least 1 joint a day), despite my asking him to repeatedly.

Years ago we went on holiday and he totally changed on the last day, started a huge row, called me a "whale" and other lovely things, and I ended up leaving that night to spend the night in a hotel. I went back the next morning and he'd pulled chunks of his hair out shock and scratched his face.

We had counselling which didn't do much, then chugged along as before.

We've since had rows in which he has become violent and frustrated - pushing me out of the house, raising a chair, pushing me on to a bed. A few days ago on holiday we had another one, and he ended up calling me fat, chucking a carrier bag of clothes at me and walking out.

I've had enough. He has been slightly contrite since, but you can tel he doesn't think he's done anything that bad.

I've told him I'm leaving, but I have no idea how to do that, and am not 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I've gone totally off him, as you would, but I have no money and no idea how to leave.

Any ideas? We have a 5 yo DS and a 6-month old DS.

ninedragons Mon 04-Aug-08 09:40:47

Not only would I leave him, I never would have got together with him in the first place.

What an arsehole.

Of course you should leave someone who pushes you around.

BEAUTlFUL Mon 04-Aug-08 09:42:57

He says he won't stop me leaving, and would try to make it an amicable divorce, so I might as well, mightn't I? I haven't got much to lose. I don't want the boys to grow up smoking weed, and how could they not if their Dad does?

MrsMacaroon Mon 04-Aug-08 09:43:38

HE should leave, not you.

BEAUTlFUL Mon 04-Aug-08 09:45:59

I know! But he won't leave, i've tried that before. He literally won't go out of the house. I mean, he's gone out now, to work, but there's no way he'd leave this house.

How do women get men to leave??

NotQuiteCockney Mon 04-Aug-08 09:46:44

Is there any chance of him having counselling on his own?

Holiday seems to be a flash point for him.

I don't think I could carry on living with someone who behaved the way he is behaving. He no doubt feels very frightened and threatened, to react this way, and he needs help to work out what's going on, and to stop it. But if he doesn't see that, and doesn't want help, then there's nothing you can do.

Isabellasmam Mon 04-Aug-08 09:48:07

Get some advice from a solicitor who specialises in this area, he doesn't sound like the type to be amicable. Get some support from family as well and stay strong.

Good luck.

VinegarTits Mon 04-Aug-08 09:48:53

Agree with MM, you should tell him to leave, why should you dc be turfed out of their own home because he is an arse. Tell him to pack his beags, better still, pack them for him and leave them outside the front door

VinegarTits Mon 04-Aug-08 09:49:09

Agree with MM, you should tell him to leave, why should you dc be turfed out of their own home because he is an arse. Tell him to pack his beags, better still, pack them for him and leave them outside the front door

DiscoDizzy Mon 04-Aug-08 09:50:35

Are you legally allowed to change the locks while he's out?

VinegarTits Mon 04-Aug-08 09:52:14

beags hmm should say bags!

kikid Mon 04-Aug-08 10:06:47

get some advice from the local domesic violence team,( police or phone book.)

The police have the power to remove him, and make sure he stays away,

Good luck. you deserve better, he had more than one chance.

Ate Mon 04-Aug-08 10:17:05

Try not to leave the home! Your children have a right to it, as do you.

I changed the locks when xH refused to leave our home when we were breaking up. It may sound daunting or extreme (did to me at the time) but was without a doubt the best move I could have made for the children and myself.

It definitely quelled some of the potential turbulance of that period for them.

QueenyEisGotTheBall Mon 04-Aug-08 10:24:00

i agree, make him move out!! he is the one in the wrong not you!! pack his bags while he is out at work change heb locks and call the police non emergency line for their support as regardless of whether he has hit you he has pushed you aroung and emotionally abused you IMO im so sorry you have to make this choicesad i hope you dont have too much of a struggle with this.
xx ei xx

twinsetandpearls Mon 04-Aug-08 10:29:05

I agree he needs to leave not you. I am sorry to pay that it does not sound as if he will remain amicable . Get legal advice and speak to the domestic abuse team at police station.

TinkerBellesMum Mon 04-Aug-08 10:43:25

I'd change the locks and leave his stuff outside. When he comes back tell him to just take his things and leave, through letterbox/window and ask him not to make any trouble because you will call the police.

You should stay in the house with the children because you are keeping them, it is in your interests not to move out (can't remember the whole deal as it's been awhile). I'd also book an appointment with a solicitor sharpish.

beanieb Mon 04-Aug-08 10:46:08

Do you rent or own your house? If you want him to leave then tell him you want to split up and sell the house. If it's rented then see how you can get a place of your own.

Go and se a solicitor. You might have to live with him for a few months.

beanieb Mon 04-Aug-08 10:46:49

I think if you are both on the mortgage or tennancy agreement you can't legally change the locks.

Overmydeadbody Mon 04-Aug-08 10:52:59

I would definately leave a man for that. Without a moment's hesitation.

You have a 6 month old and a 5 yr old though, you have to stay in the house. He needs to leave. Surely he would do the decent thing and leave?

StellaWasADiver Mon 04-Aug-08 10:55:37

God yes - you can have the locks changed within an hour.

AlistairSim Mon 04-Aug-08 10:56:09

Do you have some supportive family members who could be there to back you up when you ask him (again!) to leave?

It sounds as is he may think you are not serious and he will be aware how much more disruptive it would be for you to leave with the children.

Good luck!

BEAUTlFUL Mon 04-Aug-08 10:59:48

I just spoke to his mother, who said his Dad has done the same thing to her! She decided just not to make him lose his temper. Christ. I can't imagine living like that.

You lot being so feisty are making me feel very spineless!

LadyMuck Mon 04-Aug-08 11:00:12

Well I'm fairly sure that the MN public consensus will be to leave him, but statistically more women would stay in this situation than leave it.

If you want to leave then make an appointment with CAB and they can take you through a number of your options and advise on housing, benefits etc.

If you're not yet sure then I would look at counselling again. The first year after a baby is born is always more pressurised for a couple. Grass is not always greener on the other side.

VinegarTits Mon 04-Aug-08 11:15:47

You cannot let him treat you like this, you and your children deserve better, he needs to realise this, if you make him leave it doesnt mean it has to be the end of your marriage, make him leave and tell him you wont have him back until he gets some anger management/councilling and seeks some help for his addiction to weed. But you must make him leave to make him realise you are serious, otherwise he will continue to treat you like this knowing he can get away with it.

Kally Mon 04-Aug-08 11:17:46

You mentioned the weed smoking.... noone here has referred to it. Has he always been smoking it on a daily basis? The reason I am asking is that my DD has been married a few years, and her DH has started smoking it quite heavily and their relationship is on the down. He won't give it up, he gets all depressed, he's not violent, but he has become very frustrating and 'listless'. He won't give it up. Luckily for them, as yet, they don't have kids. But my DD seems to think the weed has a lot to do with his changed ways. I think when a person has a substance dependance things can change drastically. Maybe kick the weed out of the house. You have every right and especially, no matter how discreet he is, since you have children.

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