Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

need to find my son's father

(19 Posts)
nameforthisthread Sun 03-Aug-08 23:25:01

please don't judge me. Five years ago I was desperate for a child, I was 37 and had come out of a 10 year relationship, I really, really wanted a child and for a few years had a few relationships that didn't last.

Five years ago I had anonomous donor insemination and got pregnant on the first attempt. I adore my son and am able to provide for him financially and emotionally. He is the happiest and most loving little boy.

But I desperately regret the route I went down. I feel so sad that he will probably never know his father.

The law has since changed for children born after 2005 but for my son I know of no way to trace his father. I would love to know some more about him to tell my son and find him somehow. Please can anyone advise me without judging me?

nameforthisthread Sun 03-Aug-08 23:29:16

Please can someone answer me???

Seabright Sun 03-Aug-08 23:30:39

I don't judge you - you felt it was the right thing to do at that time, and you probably thought time was running out. You are able to look after your son emotionally and financially, so again, nothing to judge you for - well done you!

What about contacting the clinic and asking them if they'll pass a letter on to the donor? You could just give some basic details of your son and ask if he (donor) is willing to have any contact? Make it clear there are no-strings and you aren't after any money.

Where the clinic able to give you any clues about the donor? Age, profession, looks etc?

Bronze Sun 03-Aug-08 23:32:55

Seabrights idea sounds the best one. That way the donor can be the one deciding. It would be a little unfair to force him into anything if he didn't want it. I have to say I disagree with them backdating these laws but thats not your decision. I do think the letter would be the best way to go though as a way of respecting him.

nameforthisthread Sun 03-Aug-08 23:41:47

I have tried the clinic. They won't do it, they have a legal responsibility not to do this. I do know a few things about the donor such as his job but it is not such a rare job that I think I would get anywhere. There is also a registry where people can put details of their children to try to trace siblings, I have done this but it hasn't come up with anything. The best hope is his job.

nameforthisthread Sun 03-Aug-08 23:53:48

does anyone know what I can do? I am thinking of setting up a blog/website to see if anyone contacts me, like parents of siblings but it seems like a long shot

MsDemeanor Sun 03-Aug-08 23:59:32

You could set up a blog but that depends if you want all and sundry to know your ds's origins. Don't know if htat matters to you or not. YOu could put an ad in teh local paper from time to time. I can understand your feelings, but don't let this consume you.

solidgoldbrass Sun 03-Aug-08 23:59:50

I think you have to bear in mind that even if you do trace him he has every right to want no contact whatsoever from you. He donated sperm in good faith that his anonymity would be preserved and it is not his fault or his problem that you feel differently.

nameforthisthread Mon 04-Aug-08 00:01:30

If I set up a blog though it would be anonomous and only contact people who answered via email so noone who I know would know it was me.

I hate to be consumed by this but I would love my son to know his father and don't know what to do.

PotPourri Mon 04-Aug-08 00:01:46

Hmmm, this is a really tough one. the donor at that time would have done so knowing that it would be anonymous. I had loads of friends and university who did this for a bit of money. And wrong as it may seem to many (and me actually), they in no way saw it as creating a child, a human being. And that is therefore why the clinic cannot release the details to you.

Was he local? Can you put an ad in the local paper?? Hard ot know if he would see it though, expecially if he would not be looking for it - in the way someone who gave a child up for adoption would be...

I wish you good luck finding him, I think the job might be the best route, which is waht you are doing. In a few years there might be extensions to the likes of bebo adn facebook that would allow you to search based on job and then the picture (i.e. a trawl of people that look like your son).

P.S. There is no room for judging you, you did what was right for you at the time, and no one can criticise that.

nameforthisthread Mon 04-Aug-08 00:02:30

I know you are right about the donor probably not wanting contact but it is also possible that after five years he does.

nameforthisthread Mon 04-Aug-08 00:04:41

his job was a lighting technician but that was 5 years ago and I don't know if that is a specialised job for people in film/tv or whether it means all electricians so it seems like an impossible task. The clinic is not local to where I live now.

solidgoldbrass Mon 04-Aug-08 00:06:07

NFTT: have you thought what you would do if you trace him and he refuses contact? It's very likely that he will (and possible that you could find yourself in legal trouble if you try to push it). Might it not be better to put your energy into working out a pleasing version of the truth for your DS, about how you wanted him very much and a mystery man helped you to have him...

nameforthisthread Mon 04-Aug-08 00:07:45

If I traced him and he refused contact I would totally respect that and not contact him again. I just want to try for my son's sake but I don't know how to.

nameforthisthread Mon 04-Aug-08 00:09:19

Also, my son asks about his father. I have said what you suggested SGB but now he is five it is not enough.

nameforthisthread Mon 04-Aug-08 00:31:29

I also would like to find out if my son has siblings - that is why I thought of a blog

MsDemeanor Mon 04-Aug-08 07:12:44

I think you should do what you need to do - respecting everyone's privacy. This is clearly preying on your mind.

Bronze Mon 04-Aug-08 11:31:07

What would you say to your son if you did find the donor. If the donor says he doesn't want contact which would be fair enough would you be able to say to your son that he didn't want to know him without making your son feel like crap?

LittleMyDancingForJoy Mon 04-Aug-08 11:48:04

Just a thought though - I'd think very carefully before going down this route as you may be disappointed.

What if you meet him and don't like him at all, or worse, find out something unsavoury about him? How will you feel if he doesn't measure up to your image of him? What if he doesn't want to know? And is this about your son or about you and your relationship with your son? Are you finding it difficult to think about how you'll explain to your son about how he was conceived, and worried he'll blame you for not having a 'real' dad?

The fact that you start off saying 'don't judge me' sounds like you feel you did something wrong. You didn't. You did something legal, correct, and well thought through.

Your son doesn't necessarily need to know his biological dad to be happy. Think of all the step families where the child has never known his real dad, but has a wonderful stepfather - which one is their real father? The one they never knew, or the one that brought them up?

I hope you won't think this too direct, but I think you need to stand firmly by your initial choice, rather than go in search of a fantasy father. I'm not sure much good could come of it.

hope this helps a bit and I haven't been really mean!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now