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(19 Posts)
duchesss Sun 03-Aug-08 11:45:27

Oh dear, eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves sad. I feel awful that I've snooped. And I've discovered some uncomfortable stuff. My question to anyone is: have you ever confronted your OH over something you've discovered by looking somewhere you had no right to be? Where is the line when it's the lesser of two evils to have snooped than to have done the bad thing that the snooper discovered? Are we just doomed if the lack of trust between us has led to this situation arising at all?

sad sad sad

loopylou6 Sun 03-Aug-08 11:54:56

what have u found?

divastrop Sun 03-Aug-08 12:02:40

it depends what you have found,whether its concrete proof of something or if you could be reading too much into something or there has been a misunderstanding.

duchesss Sun 03-Aug-08 12:03:20

Nothing too awful, just him flirting with women online, angling for dates, saying horrible, negative things about parenthood and his marriage, trying to arrange to meet one or two new 'friends'. We have been having a rough time but I feel winded by this as I'm always pretty loyal about keeping it to ourselves.

SuperSillyus Sun 03-Aug-08 12:12:45

I would be able to handle the flirting and moaning but not the trying to get dates etc.

If I were you I would just admit snooping and challenge his behaviour. Let him know it is not acceptable and that you both need to address the problems not try to escape from them.

beanieb Sun 03-Aug-08 12:14:31

I would be very upset if I discovered my OH was trying to arrange dates with other people.

bignutbrownhare Sun 03-Aug-08 12:24:30

He'd admitted he's a parent and married and he's still trying to meet up with women? shock The disloyalty would do it for me, I hate that trait in people, but I guess if he's just talking online to stangers, rather than people in rl, iykwim, it's not quite so disloyal. Maybe he just needs a forum to get things off his chest? Shitty way to do it, of course. Do you think he's actually planning to go on these 'dates'?

CrushWithEyeliner Sun 03-Aug-08 12:25:50

I don't think you should feel bad about "snooping" on this occasion. It sounds more like instinct that something is up and you were right.
I think your OH has been disgustingly disloyal to you in complaining about your marriage and the date arranging, well that is plain sleazy. What are you going to do about it?

duchesss Sun 03-Aug-08 12:25:51

It's weird, it's more the flirting and moaning that upsets me. If he goes as far as to meet up with someone then it's more concrete and black and white and in my mind easier to deal with. But the flirting just kills me, when at the same time he's trying to be intimate with me at home (we're both trying).

It just cheapens his lovely efforts to show me affection/attention when I know I'm only one of many. And when I know he's trying to paint a picture to the world at large of him being a long-suffering, put-upon husband who deserves to be having more fun than he gets at home. I can understand him feeling like that because we all feel like that sometimes but it just feels so horrid that he's gone as far as to voice that to the ladies.


duchesss Sun 03-Aug-08 12:27:56

Thanks so much for the supportive replies, guys. I feel like I've had a hug.

bignutbrownhare: it's totally the disloyalty that upsets me. I hate that trait too. But perhaps I'm just as disloyal to have been snooping? I wouldn't have seen any of this if I hadn't...

I think if you've married him and borne his children, you have every right to check you aren't being made a fool of when you have suspicions. You have to protect your family and yourself. I don't like all this PC bollocks about how you shouldn't go snooping above all else- if they're so innocent then there should be nothing to find. Women's instincts are rarely wrong.

What a horrible thing to discover, you poor thing. I would definitely question him about it. A bit of snooping vs trying to start an affair- no contest ime!

objectivity Sun 03-Aug-08 12:32:54

I say confront. Don't defend your snooping. It was caused by instinctive mistrust and that was then proven to be well founded so tough, you snooped.

Then,what do you want out of confrontation? My view is that this should only ever be about laying down your bottom line to him. It's his warningand it is a chance to clarify the realms of unacceptability. Confrontation can never successfully be about whys and promises.So don't ask questions.

Best you can assume is he didn't realise he overstepped the mark and disrespected you hmmand then make it the final warning.

bignutbrownhare Sun 03-Aug-08 12:45:20

Duchess, you're not being disloyal by 'snooping', you didn't trust him because things aren't going well between you. Disloyalty is bitching about your wife and kids. The final nail in the coffin of my relationship with dd's father was finding nasty texts he'd sent to his mates about me. Even he, hateful mollusc that he is, admitted they were immature and unneccessary, which is a pretty apt description of him actually wink

objectivity Sun 03-Aug-08 12:47:56

I discovered the same bnbh - except I haven't walked. <muggins>

beanieb Sun 03-Aug-08 13:21:39

Is the flirting with people he knows, female friends? Or is it between him and strangers?

duchesss Sun 03-Aug-08 13:33:18

It's mainly female friends from the past who he had lost touch with for years and has recently become reunited with through facebook. and some new ones who he's hooked up with purely online. Certainly nobody who knows us as a couple.

I freely admit to being the jelous type, and these social sites are just lethal for rousing the suspicions of people like me. And I also think surely we're a bit old for all this.... isn't his behaviour a bit undignified for a married father of two?

I don't feel I can confront him. I just want to scuttle into a little hole and lick my wounds and come out when I'm strong again. We're starting our holiday tomorrow and he's going to be expecting us to be all lovey and sunshiney and I'm not a great actress. Just have to make sure our two DS's stay up later than usual so i can hide behind their manicness!

SuperSillyus Sun 03-Aug-08 14:00:45

I read my dhs texts and found some flirty, ambiguous ones. I confronted him and he was able to reassure me. He was also reassured by the fact that I was jealous I think.

beanieb Sun 03-Aug-08 14:36:14

Well - Are these private messages between them or public ones anyone can see - particularly the ones moaning about married life?

I could understand my OH being back in touch with old friends but I think I would get a bit twirchy if I saw he was using that contact to complain about being with me.

divastrop Sun 03-Aug-08 16:48:15

confront him.if he accuses you of snooping or in any way tries to say you have done something wrong then he is blatantly up to something and needs a kick up the arse.

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