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I am so lonely

(93 Posts)
lucyellensmum Sat 02-Aug-08 23:17:28

Thats it really, i am just so crushingly lonely. I am a SAHM but the loneliness hits me when i am with DP. I have put him through hell with my depression so i can understand that he has limited sympathy for me. But his coldness is making me feel isolated and frightened.

It was my dads birthday today so i had to take flowers to his grave. This upset me deeply for several reasons. Mostly because i had been selfishly avoiding this as a little boy has been buried next to him who would be exactly my DDs age and i thought i wouldnt be able to handle it. It was so very sad today, all his toys on his grave, he clearly loved the night garden and his parents have put all his night-garden stuff up there for him - really lovely. My DD wanted to play with them but i said she could only look and not touch. I had to plant my Dad's flowers quickly and leave as i knew i was going to break down.

DP had been horrible too me because i had left the house keys in the house and he had to get in the back window (LONG story). So i knew i would get no sympathy from him. Then we had to go to the inlaws and i couldnt help it, i just sat in the back of the car, and i couldnt stop the tears. I didnt make any sound but DP noticed and said sorry for being mean - that was that. Went to inlaws, stayed too late, DD played up going to bed, resulting in DP getting angry, talking at me in his horrible voice and saying that DD was only doing this because we got back late, because i made him late forgetting the keys. hmm funnily enough, i had other things on my mind just at that point sad.

Now he is sulking after putting DD to bed (she wont have me thanks to him pandering to her every whim, but now hes getting stressed because she is being difficult at bedtime - yeah well, i did it for two years no let up, your turn buddy).

I dont know if i was crying for my Dad or me really, there was a song on the radio about a man who loved his woman so much and he would never let her be "lost" alone. and that is just exactly how i felt/feel - like i am floundering, alone and having to battle all the time to be a "happy family". Its almost like when he is at work, i can fool myself, but weekends always end up with me posting here, hating myself and wishing that i was "in love" again.

I miss that whole feeling of being "looked after" and "protected" and WANTED. He used to be proud of me, he isn't now. I said that lots of men are proud of their women who give up their careers to do the childcare, but he said i didnt have a career as i didnt actually have a job past my PhD, which to me was a job in itself, its post graduate work that end in a qualification, its not like study. But hey, thats how he sees it. Im not sure really, how he sees me.

I am trying to change, but today i really tried, i did my hair, put on some make up, he didnt notice. He has just come down from DD and has put the TV on, asked me if i wanted toast and gone and sat down. I went to ask him if he wanted half the beer i saved him but he was clearly not in the mood for a chat.

Is this how it is when you have children? Is it just the stresses and strains of parenthood and work/life, do this to a relationship - should i just sit it out and hope that it will get better when DD gets easier?

HumphreyPillow Sat 02-Aug-08 23:20:25

Sweetheart, you've had a very tough day.
Your DP wasn't very kind to you, was he?
Why are you trying to change?

cornsilk Sat 02-Aug-08 23:22:09

sorry you're feeling down sad
Did your dad die recently?

lazaroulovesleggings Sat 02-Aug-08 23:25:25

Oh, that is so sad about the little boy and the night garden things. I'm not surprised you feel down.
Don't know what to say, the fact it's your dads birthday too is probably making you feel more emotional.
Are you getting enough sleep? Could you book yourself in for an aromatherapy massage somewhere? They really do work wonders, especially if they use the right oils.

BoysAreLikeDogs Sat 02-Aug-08 23:26:53

Aw LEM it's hard

I still get teary at my dear Dad's graveside.

Would you like to tell us about him?

BoysAreLikeDogs Sat 02-Aug-08 23:27:16

Your dad, I mean.

copingvquietly Sat 02-Aug-08 23:29:45

oh lem im here but a bit drunk im araid
hugs t you thoughx

lucyellensmum Sat 02-Aug-08 23:36:14

My Dad was wonderful, he loved me more than anything in the world, and my DD1 too. He sadly got alzheimers so was "gone" from us long before he died. I didn't cry when he died, i was glad because i knew he wouldnt want to live. I didnt go and see him much either. I will regret that for the rest of my life, but i couldnt handle it. But at least i could walk away, he was stuck inside his head like a prisoner, a frightened one at that - i let him down, i knew i let him down but i made a concious decision to live with it "afterwards". That was very selfish of me. I left my mum to cope with it all really. The thing is, i was so wrapped up in my new baby, scared she might "catch something" from the hospital and too scared to take her to the pyschiatric ward when he was there. I thought that i would visit him and take DD when he was at the hospice, but he was unconcious the whole time and died before he even met DD2.

Today she helped me plant the flowers and i just thought how much he would have adored her. She is his walking image and i just know he would have driven me mad, been around my house all the time, spoiling her rotten.

Things would have been so different if he was still here.

He was the gentlest most caring, selfless person i have ever met, everyone who knew him thought he was lovely. I was his little angel and now he is gone.

This was three years ago and ive shed the odd tear for me, but thats it. The ironic thing is that i lost my dog just before he got sick, i was hysterical - i needed medicating! I also lost another dog last year, i held it together for DDs sake but i was still hysterical and sobbed for hours.

I have put DP through so much i honestly think he doesn't love me anymore. The problem is, i can't let go because what he had was so good before. I keep thinking that maybe one day that will come back, that he will fall in love with me again. But im kidding myself - he has said himself he only stays for DD and would have left me ages ago if it wasnt for her

BoysAreLikeDogs Sat 02-Aug-08 23:39:52

Oh LEM, I totally get living with the way things are instead of the way things ought to be sad

How would you feel deep down if you and DP split?

Have you thought about a temporary seperation, to get a bit of space between the two of you?

copingvquietly Sat 02-Aug-08 23:40:45

oh lemsad

HumphreyPillow Sat 02-Aug-08 23:42:35

Can you stay with a friend for a couple of days, LEM.
Is there someone who can give you a bit of TLC in RL?

lucyellensmum Sat 02-Aug-08 23:46:56

I dont want to leave him, i love him why would i want to leave? I just want him to love me

lazaroulovesleggings Sat 02-Aug-08 23:47:13

YOu and your dp sound as unhappy as each other. That's not good for your dd. HAs your dp told you outright that he doesn't love you?

lucyellensmum Sat 02-Aug-08 23:50:05

no, not that he doesn't love me, but that he has no sympathy for me anymore - ive worn it out see. I just want a fucking cuddle, is that really too much to ask? I want him to hold me tight and stroke my hair and kiss my hair and tell me he loves me and that everything will be allright. Fucking self pity island here i come again. Waiting for mental health refferal - it needs to hurry up before i lose myself completely.

lazaroulovesleggings Sat 02-Aug-08 23:54:12

You do need to ask him. If he says he does then you need to ask him why he doesn't show it. The answer may not be what you want to hear but you need to know.
Maybe then you can start to talk.

lucyellensmum Sat 02-Aug-08 23:55:36

I have asked him, he just gets mad at me, its like "dont start" or "not this again", well yes, he should try living it.

lazaroulovesleggings Sun 03-Aug-08 00:00:57

But when he says that do you react by getting angry back, or do you withdraw?
The tricky part is getting past that initial reaction and making it clear you want a discussion rather than playing the blame game.
There's an awful lot of guilt and blame going on by the sounds of it. That needs to stop.

VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 03-Aug-08 00:13:18

Maybe he'd like to show you affection when he wants to, rather than you demanding it? (Some folk can be funny like that).

What affection do you show him?

Do you expect him to just 'know' when to cuddle you?

You sound v depressed. Like you are at the bottom of the hole. Sóme of the things you've said - can make it seem like you are self-absorbed, but, where you are, you cant see anyone else right now, like there is no-one else there. It's why you feel lonely. You could be standing in a crowded room, screaming your head off but no-one can hear you.

You do seem bipolar tbh (i think i've said before), and you most definitely need some bereavement counselling.

TheMagnificent7 Sun 03-Aug-08 04:33:14

Hey LEM.. I know how you feel. I'm really sorry for you. It's like the one cuddle, meaningful, like the old days, would cure everything. You don't sound ilke you wanted an in-depth analysis, however valid. Like you say, just a fucking cuddle. It's not too much to ask, is it ?

It's the first step, then everything gets better. Don't split. It's torture.

Kally Sun 03-Aug-08 05:38:27

SOmeyimes men shy away from the over emotional things. A lot of men can't deal with it and shut off. It's almost like,,,'if I cuddle her she's going to get all emotional and take it to those levels' so maybe he backs off completely. Its very hard when someone you love is depressed and within themselves. You try to keep things on a superficially normal level, not to evoke ANY kind of emotion, just functional.
Perhaps you should try to encourage the cuddle but instead of going all whimpery (if this is the case) let him see how good it is for you, that his cuddle can bring you up from the doldrums. Its a matter of response. I don't know if this is the case but I remember when I lost my Dad, even anything slightly emotional used to make me go to tears and even my kids kept at a distance from me as they couldn't face it. They couldn't deal with seeing me so upset. My daughter was verbal about this once and it suddenly made me come to terms that they were not greiving as much as I was, the way I was, and simply avoided getting too close to me as they couldn't handle seeing me in such an emotional state. Eventually I began to feel more and more alone as they stood further and further away from me. So I tool control of myself and began to allow myself to be happy again and it brought them back to me.
You'd think our nearest and dearest would be there to be just that, but sometimes they shut off when they feel they can't reach you and anything they do just brings it all on again. It's hard for him too I expect. He's human too and trying to keep things normal, and as it was.

electra Sun 03-Aug-08 07:13:39

lucyellensmum, I'm not surprised you feel bad because you are looking to your dp for support and comfort and he's putting you down . Whatever the reason, it's cruel. Have you tried to discuss it with him? Perhaps go to relate? (when my marriage broke down people suggested relate but by that time it was beyond repair so better not to let it get to that stage iyswim)

I haven't been well mentally, so I can relate to some of what you are saying and I still feel lonely now. It affects ones perception of everything, and makes it very difficult to function normally when your mind is a source of torment.

I hope you can find a way forward xx

lilacclaire Sun 03-Aug-08 07:39:59

Hi, it still sounds as if you are depressed and you sound very self pitying and all me me me (sorry if that sounds harsh).

I had to wait about 2 months for my referrel and even now have only got an assessment appointment (hope yours is a bit quicker).

Ask your dp to hang on in there and hopefully things will get better for you both.

I don't think you are going to get the attention you crave while you are feeling/acting like this, so perhaps try and focus on yourself in a positive way, even just doing your hair/make up every day and put a fake smile on, sometimes it works lol.

Good luck, hope your feeling a bit better soon x

electra Sun 03-Aug-08 07:46:51

But being self-absorbed is part of a mental health problem - it makes you very introspective and it makes it very difficult to engage properly with anything at all and get past all the chaos in your head.

I have been called self obsessed by one rather kind friend. Perhaps it was true....I don't know, but if so it must have been to do with my mental state at the time because it isn't a criticism usually associated with me at all. But I can recognise that there were times when I have lacked the ability to turn myself out to life generally and escape the continual internal dialogue...

TinySocks Sun 03-Aug-08 08:44:43

lucyellensmum, can I be honest with you?
My mum (who I love to bits) went through a period of being so depressed, so negative. For a long time I listened and tried to be supportive telling her all would be fine, but frankly, it was just to tiring to cope with her negativity all the time. And she wouldn't do anything to actually change the situation. In the end, you develop a thick skin and just get a bit fed up of listening and trying to console someone who doesn't want to change. It didn't mean I didn't love her. Thankfully this has all changed now.

I don't know your whole story and apologies if I am wrong, but it sounds to me like your husband is going through a similar thing.

You are so unhappy with your life, I know you suffer from depression but that doesn't mean you cannot strive to change things. You are highly qualified (God I wish I had a Phd). Do you think that maybe reintering the working world would help you rebuild your selfestim? Feel more productive? Make a plan of what you want to achieve and go for it, you have all you need, education, a home, a healthy child, a partner that can support you. Take advantage of all this and try to improve your situation.

I hope you don't mind my honesty. All the best.

ConstanceWearing Sun 03-Aug-08 09:04:28

Very much agree with lots being said here.

Depression is a 'me,me,me' illness. I know I was definitely like that. Still am at times. But depression is not the same as self-pity, LEM, so don't beat yourself up too much. You don't choose to be so unhappy, I feel sure. Let's face it, who would ?

Try not to lean so heavily on your dh perhaps. It is clear you are a very sensitive person and he doesn't seem to 'get' the depth of your sensitivity. Probably sees it as attention seeking when you want a cuddle, even though you genuinely need physical comfort to heal your emotional pain. Can you think of another way to get this kind of comfort, for a while, to take the pressure off the situation? Pet the dog / cat, for example.

(I know this sounds stupid, just trying to think of alternatives).

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