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Blardy hell I so don't know where I stand

(27 Posts)
objectivity Sat 02-Aug-08 20:32:45

Have been dating man for almost 10 months now. Had a very sticky patch mid way through relationship but split up and then somehow recovered things. He has been getting divorced in all this time and is due to be divorced mid September now. He had separated from his wife before we even dated.

So,it hasn't been the best of times to be starting a new relationship. Foolishly neither of us held back.

What keeps happening is that things go beautifully for a time and then suddenly he sort of switches off to me - says he's going to stay at his place a bit more, needs to get his life in better order, drink a bit less, do more with his kids, focus on paperwork, etc. etc.

I usually sense this coming and start questioning his 'distance' before he admits he is going to take some space. He always wishes to continue the relationship, but just wants it to be less intense for a time. However, over some of our'glass of wine in the garden' convos he admits to not being sure about getting involved with someone with 3 children (as I have) and being such a figure in our set up. Not really sure if he wants someone with kids again (last wife had 2 dc from previous marriage) blah blah and then he says he loves my dc and misses them and talks about holidays altogether.

Being totally honest, he has at times been unacceptably badly behaved with me with the on/off crap and so on but when he seems settled in himself he is adorable and kind and generous and loving and very helpful. I have always reciprocated and have been very loyal and honest with him.

Tonight we are in the 'off' stage - he's talking of set nights to come and stay and so on. I therefore had it out with him as this has been going on for too long and I said I need to know whether it's mid-divorce confusion and insecurity about being heavily involved with someone again or whether it is actually ME he is unsure about.

After much circular argument he has admitted he does not know the answer to that question.

Given that there is a strong chance we could be happy together and yet an equally strong chance it will all go tits up, wtf do I do?

I love him to bits and don't want it to end but maybe it should.

Honestly, we have become so close in many ways I will rather fall apart if that's it.

kittywise Sat 02-Aug-08 20:36:39

I think you have to put your feelings aside for the moment and think about what would be best for your children.
Do you think you come across as being too needy?
I don't know, you bloke sounds like he's taking the piss tbh and he doesn't come across as the sort of person who can cope with family life.
I'd move on if I were you.

NotQuiteCockney Sat 02-Aug-08 20:37:04

How long was his marriage? It sounds like he's still busy dealing with all that, tbh, and expecting him to be a reasonable useful partner is too much.

Carmenere Sat 02-Aug-08 20:37:19

It is not supposed to be this difficult.

objectivity Sat 02-Aug-08 20:42:44

Marriage was 1 year after a 5 year relationship.

I know, Carmenere, but I guess I did opt for difficult though,in the first place iyswim.

Feels like right man, wrong time. But, am I really able to give up right man if it is just the timing that is wrong??

Even my parents - first time ever in my relationship history think we make a good couple. With him I am few of the shit things I usuallyam in relatiosnhips....EXCEPT the needy bit,which is there when he goes all aloof on me but totally non existent the rest of the time.

objectivity Sat 02-Aug-08 20:59:46

Was thinking this weekend of being brave enough to end things myself. But then my DC were up in arms that they mightn't see his DC. When they all left mine this morning after their sleep over,my dc all called "see you next week" and I was nearly in tears.

We are all so close,and dp's DS is really opening up to me now and we are developing a lovely relationship. (I find his DD more hard work).

God, it is heartbreaking all this. But so is the up down crapola.

Do I carry on til the end of the Year (if we last that long) and see if things change post divorce - it feels like we are at a 'light at the end of the tunnel' stage after embarking upon this relationship at the most foolish of life moments. It would mean putting up with the uncertainty for more weeks.

objectivity Sat 02-Aug-08 22:41:56

I am a thread killer tonight.

What to do?Or have I been told too many times before?

Carmenere Sat 02-Aug-08 22:49:43

Honestly? If I were you I would have a break. I would put a bit of distance between you and both your dc's for about a month. If he misses you and decides to behave in a reasonable manner well then he might value the realtionship enough to make an effort. But he might not. and I would be keeping that in the forefront of my mind iiwy.

Tortington Sat 02-Aug-08 22:57:47

i agree, you need to stand back - you need to think not of your needs your love your heartbreak, but of the relationships that are being formed wih his children and yo, his children and your children, your children and his children and your children and him.

its shit for the kids to be mixed up in the drama - and so for thei sakes i think that you should tak the higher ground and say " look, sure things can be great, but until you make a definate comitmen one way or the other - put your heart and soul into this, then i am afraid tht i can't do this until you make that commitment - for my cvhildren and yours."

if he loves you and wants you - he will make the effort - don't lay in on a plate babe, make him work for you and your children - esp, your cildren. he must prove himself to be a medium term (at least) permanant commitment in your lives.

sure it's shit. but its shitter if you let this carry on.

Either hewants you, or he doesn't - don't be the person he turns to for companionship and sex in his lonely times you are worth more than that.

charliecat Sat 02-Aug-08 23:01:30

10 months is quite early to be pinning him to anything isnt it, really?

objectivity Sat 02-Aug-08 23:06:26

Thank you.

Am digesting...

MadameOvary Sat 02-Aug-08 23:27:16

My DP and I also started off in the worst way possible - he was separated but still living in the house - all very civilised. I was in an unhappy relationship which I fled.

But while accepting his marriage was over he was devastated to have to leave it all behind but also keen to fall in love again. The word "sensible" did not enter into it!.

Three years on and its very clear he should have had some space (as should I from my relationship) but we both just threw ourselves into it. He was and remains the love of my life but I wish I had met him a year later, and single!
Anyway, I read this recently and it really struck a chord. Perhaps has echoes of your situation too?

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/lifeand_style/women/relationships/auntsally/article4344 424.ece

mocca Sat 02-Aug-08 23:58:50

Hi Objectivity, you posted a reply on my thread earlier, thanks! How much time do you actually spend with this guy? And when he says he'll only come on set nights, how many nights a week is that? I only ask, because 10 months isn't really that long and I wonder if it's all going a bit fast and you should just slow it down and still see him but a bit less. I only see my man every other weekend which isn't enough but would be very happy with every weekend but not during the week as I'm very busy. Hope it all works out.

objectivity Sun 03-Aug-08 10:46:28

Madameovary - I can't find the article as the link brings up an error code.

Could you possibly re-post?

Everyone else who has since replied - I'm mid argument and will post later.

I think this is it, he is being hateful tbh.

MadameOvary Sun 03-Aug-08 11:28:20

Hi Objectivity,

Hope this works. X

objectivity Sun 03-Aug-08 11:34:23

OMG That's us.
<stunned silence>

mocca Sun 03-Aug-08 13:03:23

How's it going? Do let us know - has something happened?

GrapeJelly Sun 03-Aug-08 13:23:35

I think that he has commitment issues, possibly because of the lack of breathing space between relationships. You need to stand back and let him do the running- if he wants to.

objectivity Sun 03-Aug-08 13:32:00

Hi Sorry

Have been posting elsewhere as a diversion but this is how it stands:

He said if I keep demanding more then it'll completely screw things up, he can't stand being pestered like this when he needs space.

I said I could see that but he must surely see how difficult it is not to hassle him when one minute all is fine and then I seemingly get dropped like a lead balloon.

He says he's not dropping me,but equally he'snot sure about us and our future.

Then he said "you know I'll always come back to you. I just need space to get my life in order" hmm

<what if I'm not here to come back to you, eh?>

Anyway,leaves me with zilch security I think but equally he does need this space it is plain to see so I either wait it out or go.

MadameOvary Sun 03-Aug-08 14:17:40

This is doing you no good whatsoever.
What I would do:
Tell him you've had enough, you're off, you cant do this anymore, its not working for you and that you have too much self-respect to want to endure this treatment a second longer because you're worth more.

All quite calmly.

mocca Sun 03-Aug-08 15:48:20

Poor you, it's a real quandry and feeling insecure is crap. How much space does he need? If he just wants to see a bit less of you and take things more slowly maybe there's a way of making that work. So if it's down from several nights a week to say two, I don't see that as a problem. I'm struggling with insecurity issues myself and finding it very hard to know when it's insecurity and when it's OK to stand up for my needs not being met. Ultimately you have to ask yourself, is this relationship enhancing my life or detracting from it?

lou33 Sun 03-Aug-08 16:07:17

i think you need to let him go, this is doing no good for you or your kids

he may well come back in time, but you could find that you dont actually want him back if he does, that life is easier without him

and if you do want to be together then you will be in a better situation to say how you would like the relationship to progress

MegBusset Sun 03-Aug-08 16:29:04

Sorry to say it, but this is ringing major alarm bells with me. IMO men who start out like this in relationships very rarely end up changing. I have dated a commitment-phobe or three in my time and know how appalling it can be. Really, I think you are better off backing away and waiting til you meet someone who is as keen as you are.

MegBusset Sun 03-Aug-08 16:30:53

"if I keep demanding more then it'll completely screw things up, he can't stand being pestered like this when he needs space"

This is the ultimate get-out line imo. Means that you are made to feel crap and insecure. Then he gets to blame it all on you for being needy rather than taking any responsibility for his inability to commit.

zippitippitoes Sun 03-Aug-08 16:36:55

i think actually being toldyour partner wants to see less of you and cool things off is very difficult and gutting

i would be distraught and tbh i think i would see it as a reason to break up

unless i was also wanting to slow things down and it doesnt sound like you really do want less than his complete commitment

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