Name changing here (let's hope I don't forget to change back like I normally do!)
Sorry this is LONG!
I have been mulling over something which has been making me feel sad about my relationship with dh for a while and we sat down and finally talked about it last night. It was a constructive conversation but I feel like i need MNers help with a couple of things!
This came to a head because we went away on holiday and basically I literally didn't get a single kiss, cuddle, hand held, compliment etc. and I do give him some (although I've given up as I was sick of it being so one way).
As background we have been together about 14 years and have a pre-school aged dc.
We get on very well - we have lots in common, have a laugh about things and don't argue much. We both adore our dd and have fun together.
He is like a best friend and perhaps herein lies the problem.
- he is not a naturally affectionate or complimentary person and admits this and says although he could try to change, it would only last a week or so and he admits he'd fall back into his natural way. He doesn't need physical affection so much or compliments etc. and has enormous self esteem (incredibly without being arrogant).
- I have always had low self esteem about my body (not generally - happy with my face, job, friendships etc!). This got better after a couple of years of us being together but now, after years of dh rarely if ever complimenting me and seemingly not noticing me as a woman, it has taken a turn for the worse again. (it wasn't his fault it was low to start with - too complicated to go into here).
I can't see that he can fancy me, he never acts as such and we haven't had sex for over a year now (he does have a low sex drive naturally - he isn't stressed or suffering a condition, just not that into it - never has been hence despite loads of opportunities having slept with a lot less partners than he could have).
- When we talked last night about this I said that the idea of a marriage which is devoid of general affection and sexual contact (and I know the lines are blurred) makes me feel sad and that although everything else is good, I'm not sure that at some stage in the future I will decide that I can't take it anymore. (And also I guess it does increase the risk of the grass seeming greener with someone else at some stage tbh).
I'm only in my mid-thirties and I know I'm not hideously unnattractive and I don't want to feel invisible.
- he said that one of the reasons he thinks this is the way it is is because I act like I want to be invisible, e.g. hiding my body, making negative comments about myself a lot (which is true to an extent).
So it seems, I need to build my self esteem about my body, and be a bit more sexy in order to break this vicious cycle of me not acting sexy/ him seeing me as less sexy etc.
I still don't think he'll be chomping at the bit or very affectionate as he just isn't like that - even if he were married to a supermodel he just wouldn't be (well not after this many years).
How can I believe in myself more despite my flabby tummy, chunky legs, fat bum etc.?
I want to try and sort this out and dh seems to too because a. we have a good relationship otherwise and b. for our dc.