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First-time mum with PND - no support from in-laws.

(25 Posts)
LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 02:50:45

Am a first-time mum with PND. DH says his family are available to help me out but when i call, they're too busy (doing housework and cooking). My SIL's who i ask have adult children. My MIL hasn't given anything to my DD (5 months), not even a £5 teddy bear. However, SIL said she and other SIL want to come round with MIL to give her a present. I said fine, anytime you like, but they are too busy to spare even 1 hour. They keep saying "we love you", but I am so angry now and upset that I don't even want to see them. My parents have been wonderful. I've told DH "Don't tell me your sisters will help me, cos they've made it clear they don't have the time". Feel so upset by my in-laws hypocrisy. DH knows how I feel.

justaboutagrownup Fri 01-Aug-08 07:00:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quinne Fri 01-Aug-08 07:37:15

I know that when I was expecting my first baby I thought everyone would be eager to help. I don't know why but I sort of thought we'd all go back to an extended family type environment with the grandparents helping out with bringing the child up. Time for rude awakening! That was how it was 60 years ago and today we live in a nuclear society. DH and I are on our own. They'll visit (extra work for me) but for the rest, then if I need help then we must buy it in - nanny, au pair, child minder whatever.

quinne Fri 01-Aug-08 07:50:26

Sorry and just to add - PND, I had that too. It can seem never ending but it does end and I think you will be a stronger person for having beat it.
Its a bit like losing weight though: at first there is a lot to do but as you make progress you are encouraged and the load gets lighter IYSWIM!

Please don't worry - you will get there, but do help yourself by not dwelling on the bad things in your life because it will only make you feel worse and it will be wasted energy which you could use to resolve the PND.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 08:55:07

Thanks for your posts. I finally fell asleep at 4 am and feel numb now. DH gave me a big kiss before he went to work. I feel so disappointed by their behaviour.

One SIl said to me not to let her daughter know that she came round for an hour to look after my LO cos she would be jealous. Her daughter is 30 with a 2 year old and we get on very well. She gave me a lovely card and box of chocs when my LO was born. Another SIL said wot a load of rubbish - the daughter would be fine with that! She has been nothing but friendly towards me.

When i was pregnant my in-laws told me not to take any second-hand clothes from people cos "they would talk" - they seem more worried about "wot people think" than about anything else. (I took the clothes with gratitude grin.)

LilRedWG Fri 01-Aug-08 08:57:51

Try not to let the ILs get to you. I have PND and I know that people reactions can hurt.

I'm lucky, my ILs are fab, my parents on the other hand seem to think I should be okay by now and snap out of it.

LilRedWG Fri 01-Aug-08 08:59:03

One thing you could do is get your DH to arrange for one of them to babysit one evening so that you and he can go out together. Maybe if you ask them to help at a specific time they will be more forthcoming.

cmotdibbler Fri 01-Aug-08 08:59:29

I think your DH should have a word and ask them to give you a bit of help. What does he think about it all ?

LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 09:10:13

Not sure what DH thinks. He seems to agree with me cos he hasn't said anything to disagree with me, if you see what i mean. My SIL said that she left her daughter with them for hours when she was little (5 years ago). I understand they have lives of their own and i think DH has finally gotten the message that they aren't available.

On the other hand, i want to keep my distance cos my MIL is v old fashioned and likes little girls to have long hair. I've 4 nieces who have long hair to their waists cos their grandma likes it, even tho it's a lot of work for their mum to wash and dry it and one of the little girls HATES it - she cut her own fringe (she's 6). I told my DH good - she's expressing her wish to be independent. DH is of the same mind as his mother. Have told him that I will take our daughter to have her hair cut shorter (shoulder length or shorter) when she is older and it'll be done.

cmotdibbler Fri 01-Aug-08 09:17:44

Best off out of it then IMO. Sounds like if you get any help it'll be more trouble than its worth. We don't get nearly the help from DHs family that his brothers got, in spite of lots of promises before DS was born about babysitting, so I know what its like.

Do you get out to mum and baby groups, that sort of thing ? you can also get support from Surestart - they have volunteers that will come round and amuse baby for a bit so that you can do housework/have a bath etc - ask your HV about it.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 09:22:01

Thanks dibbler - i agree with you.

Will call HV now to ask about surestart.

I take Katie (my dd) to Gymboree - we both like it.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 10:05:08

Just spoke to SIL who will take Katie (my LO). Think DH may have spoken to them, cos other SIL, although a bit fluey at the mo, said that if other sis can't help, she will call her for me.

LilRedWG Fri 01-Aug-08 10:19:31

LilRedWG Fri 01-Aug-08 10:20:07

I think that people who haven't suffered with PND do get it a little confused and think it's just the baby blues.

Molliesmum Fri 01-Aug-08 13:48:47

It makes PND worse when you don't get any help! We are totally on our own, Mum is fantastic but is 2 hour drive away and MIL has barely even held my dd (she is 20 months now!) Couldn't rely on them for anything, and wouldn't be happy about leaving her with them anyway. Do you have any supportive friends? We have managed by doing fun things with dd that we also enjoy so we all have a good time. Have to say, we have only had one night without her in over 20 months and I think she has been baby sat about 3 times! I've realised that sometimes people offer to help but don't really mean it!

LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 13:50:49

I feel better now i know that other people are in the same boat!

It seems that they only help me out when DH asks them to.

Molliesmum - how are you coping?

Have had a sleep for an hour - feel better now!

Molliesmum Fri 01-Aug-08 13:57:43

Not sure really, i still have down days but I am getting much better now an dd is getting older. It def gets easier. I find if I get out in the sun it really helps, even if its just to the park or a walk to the shop.
I really envy people who have a lot of support but my situation is what it is and just try to make the best of it really. I am lucky that dd has 2 hours sleep every afternoon otherwise I think I would have totally lost the plot by now!
Also find visiting friends with kids really helpful because dd plays with them and I get a chance to have some adult conversation!
Do you work? I am part time and find it really important to do something where I can be me, not just a mum! X
Hope you are ok, PND is a horrible thing, I would never want to go back to that black hole feeling!

LOVEMYMUM Fri 01-Aug-08 14:08:52

Don't work outside the house and found out my ex-employer didn't pay my income tax despite making the deductions! Inland Revenue are sorting it out.

I live in Hendon, London.

Molliesmum Fri 01-Aug-08 16:24:31

Lucky, I would love to live in London! Too expensive tho!I live in rural Leicestershire. Lots of fields and cows but not much to do! DD likes it tho.
Being a mum is much harder than working, I come to work for a rest lol!

LOVEMYMUM Sun 05-Oct-08 23:48:29

Quick update: I saw my H/V on the Tuesday and ended up being admitted to hospital with mania (probably) induced by antidepressants. Am still up and down but doing better now.

PurpleWitchyOne Mon 06-Oct-08 02:27:42

Have you now been diagnosed with bipolar?

Wishing you well LMM x

missbumpy Mon 06-Oct-08 09:26:40

Sorry to hear you ended up in hospital I went through similar thing with in laws and PND (undiagnosed at time..just struggled through). DP had gone on about how supportive all his sisters would be but actually they were never there when I needed them and would just turn up at inconvenient times wanting to coo over DD rather than actually helping me out (doing some washing up/bringing some food etc). I felt v lonely and lost so I can really sympathise. The only advice I can give is to make sure you ask for help because that's something I found really difficult. From my point of view, no one was helping me but I think from their point of view I wasn't letting anyone help IYSWIM.
I hope things get better for you.
Big hug

MoonlightMcKenzie Mon 06-Oct-08 09:37:32

I'm sorry you are going through this. I too suffered the disappointment of expecting help that was promised but didn't materialise.

BUT, It is your SIL's lives. If they don't want to help that is up to them, and trying to force them etc. is not going to get you anywhere.

Look around your area for support. Try hard to get out to things where you'll meet other mothers. LOs often behave better and usually sleep through those type of things while you get a cuppa in peace. You might meet people that will be happy to help you too.

A lot of depression including PND is triggered and certainly made worse by having a big gap between expectations and reality. Hard and unfair as it may seem, try hard to reduce your expectations of what YOU can achieve and of other people.

Good luck!

LOVEMYMUM Mon 06-Oct-08 18:14:56

Thanks everyone for your messages.

I haven't been diagnosed as bi-polar, it's more a case of my mood elevating cos i was prescribed antidepressants which i didn't need - i was distressed, not depressed.

I go to a few activities during the week and i'll have a homestart volunteer soon starting. A big thanks to Cmotdibbler for mentioning them in her posting. smilesmile

RamblingRosa Tue 07-Oct-08 08:29:38

Good luck! I really hope you start to feel better soon.

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