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(87 Posts)
Kally Thu 31-Jul-08 20:22:22

I have been in a relationship now for over a year. I met current BF on a dating site (please, no sighs) as I don't club and pub and have been abroad for most of my life having returned recently to the UK after a 26 years marriage/divorce. I have my youngest child with me (DD 10). I chose the dating site because social circle very small and all married etc. OK, that aside, BF and I met and we really liked each other. Usual thing, spoke lots on msn, webcam, calls, etc etc. He always comes to me as he lives about 2 hours away, works crazy hours and comes whenever he gets tha chance. He's a moralistic, kind sweet man with values and restored my confidence in the opposite sex (having fallen in with a few cads after the divorce) (which is all in the past and on distant shores). He has a child of 5 that he is raising with scant support from his ex and has a child minder (which are always changing, they are usually from Eastern Europe and short stay here). He has brought his DS to stay on occassions (lovely lad)and they have a good bond and he's a good father.

BF told me he works in a well known IT company but has lately been having a lot of racial slurs etc (BF is black)and finally handed in resignation (not due to racial slurs but from frustration and discontent). Fair enough. He was home for 3 weeks waiting for some kind of resolution to job problems (suspension with pay). This week he told me he has decided to go and work in the famous burger joint (Golden Arches)even if it means flipping burgers. He went for one days orientation and started the next day. I thought this was very gallant of him, in order to give himself structure and a pay cheque and to feel useful, its a quick easy solution to get out and work. I see nothing wrong with this at all.
You're probably all thinking AND???? The thing is, I think he has always worked there, and he has fibbed about what he did (with posh IT Co.,) in order to impress me and now he sees that I am not the slightest way materialistic and into status symbol trips, he has decided to turn it around, say he left his previous job, and has started where he is now.
I can't ask him this, because if he has lied all along, why did he lie? and how would he get out of that, and now he knows I am who I am and not someone looking for a guy with a fat wage and prestigious job,... but even though I don't know for sure and either way it has its 'awwwwness' about it, I do feel confused by it all.

We have talked of moving in together and sharing our lives etc, but I am scared now, without even knowing if my doubts have grounds. What should I do? I have gone through questioning him in my head, asking in a nice way, and then I think, why should it bother me? The fact that he works wherever is of no importance, but what about if it is true, he has worked there all along, and yet told me work based IT stories of previous job...and its all fantasy. I don't know what to do yet feel my inner disquiet is going to ruin things. What shall I do?

WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 31-Jul-08 20:30:58

if it's really eating you up, all I can think of is to call his old workplace and ask to speak to him, see what they tell you? sneaky but at least it avoids a potential confrontation with him and you'll know the answer.

catsmother Thu 31-Jul-08 20:45:59

You're right that it shouldn't matter where he works, and that honesty is the ley thing, but why exactly do you think he might be lying to you ? Has he said or done anything which didn't quite add up ?

If he has always worked at McD's, then why would he have been sat at home for the last 3 weeks ? Would he really have used up most of his McD annual leave in order to add weight to this apparent story of resigning from the IT firm ?

I think, as W & P suggested, the only way to set your mind at rest is to call the IT place ....... it just seems very sad that you don't trust him. Maybe there's stuff you haven't stated in your OP ?

LynetteScavo Thu 31-Jul-08 20:52:03

If this is the only lie he seems to have told you, then you should forgive him. I'm sure when he initially posted on the dating site he thought he didn't stand a chance of meeting someone if he was honest.

Kally Thu 31-Jul-08 20:53:52

I could call his old place, but I don't have a sneaky bone in me to do that. Thinking about him sitting home for 3 weeks yes, it may have been a racial slur (as he put it) from the McD's perhaps and not from IT fantasy place...(I don't know if McD's suspend with pay)I don't know stuff like this as have lived away for 30 years.
I have never been to his place as he has the option of carer and ex to be freer to travel, I don't have that and its always just me and DD. Most of my time revolves around her and school hours etc.
There's nothing suspcious other than this. Some may think perhaps not single or something but he wouldn't have bought his little boy to us. I guess its just that I don't know HIS life as well as he knows mine..

Kally Thu 31-Jul-08 20:54:58

Lynette, this is my thought and my sister agrees that maybe his reason, but its a long time to lie no?

ConstanceWearing Thu 31-Jul-08 20:56:48

If he felt he was made to resign because of the behaviour of others towards him, he can claim unfair dismissal. Not sure how it's done, I just remember seeing it on a website recently.

Perhaps you should mention this to him to see his reaction? He should be at least half interested in getting some sort of justice, if he is telling the truth, perhaps?

Kally Thu 31-Jul-08 20:58:40

He's never thrown money around, and I know that his money if tight, as mine is, but to me that is of no concern. He knows my situation well enough now. He is thoughtful and sweet and when it was DD birthday he bought her a beautiful little Ipod, she was so chuffed. I can't bear the thought of him having lied and weaving this web of deceipt to impress me initially. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?

Kally Thu 31-Jul-08 21:02:08

Constance - I did say that, but then shortly after he said he had had enough of all this distress and suspence and friends from work calling him to gossip etc... that he wanted make a clean break, resign and leave it all behind him. 'Do something totally different' as he put it. And yet if all was true about past years tales he worked so hard, got promoted, was doing so well, was valued... oh dear as I write that I feel even worse about it for him either way.

ConstanceWearing Thu 31-Jul-08 21:23:57

Hmm. My daughter works in McD's. She has good self-esteem, and is at college, so doesn't suffer very much for the experience, but she says that some people who come into the restaurant treat you like the very lowest level of society - like, "me no speaky minimum wagey" type of attitude.

I really, really could see why a grown man would not want to tell you that he worked there, and once the lie is started, it's very hard to turn it around to the truth, no matter how much he wanted to.

I would feel sad that he didn't feel he could tell me the truth, but how many people could you tell that to, and they would just say "that's fine"?

In all honesty, not many woud be impressed (please don't think I'm being nasty, I'm not), but I don't blame him for hiding it till he knew you better, if this is what he has done. He wasn't to know you are different to other ladies, was he? wink

Kally Thu 31-Jul-08 21:37:15

That is my thinking, I know about stereo types and I hate it. Before we met he kept saying 'keep an open mind' as I had no idea he was black, although it was of no consequence to me. But maybe he has been dealt some nasty cards in the past. As he knows now its not the case with me, but its like pretending a kid didn't fib isn't it? I can forgive him, really, and can love him the same, but I want him to come clean. How do I do this? Should I do this? Should I just leave it? He goes to church regularly which is another thing that bothers me about it, as his religious beleifs are quite clear about telling lies to impress. Am I looking into this too much? I can understand but would like him to know I don't approve otherwise what is he to think of me? 'Ha ha, this one is soft as shit, she bought it all?' type thing...?

solidgoldbrass Thu 31-Jul-08 21:43:08

Well something's put the idea into your head, and unfortunatley you now have to deal with it or it will fester. I think calling the former workplace is the best idea: if it turns out he was telling the truth then you can put it behind you: if it turns out to have been a fib then you should tell him as gently and calmly as possible what you did and ask him for the truth in return.

MrsFlittersnoop Thu 31-Jul-08 22:18:27

Hi Kally,

Hope you don't mind me replying, I'm a very new poster here! smile

It sounds as if this man treats you and your child well, and you're hoping for a future together. If you feel you can forgive him for fibbing about his professional status, you need to find out what's going on before you can move forward.

Has your DP ever told you exactly what he was doing working for this IT company? Has he claimed to be a software engineer? Do you know anything about his educational background?

There are many many different jobs he could have been doing working for a large company, regardless of sector. Perhaps he was working in the canteen.

Why don't you offer to look over his CV to help him tweak it before appling for new jobs, or ask him to re-frag your hard disk or install a firewall? grin

TBH, it would be very difficult to pay for full-time childcare (even short term and temporary) if you're burger flipping at the Golden Arches. If this is the case, he must have been working bloody hard. He might even be a manager there.

If his story doesn't add up, then you'll have to let him down gently, and let him know you want him for himself, not his payslip.

Don't ever understimate male pride. Perhaps he feels he COULD be working in IT because he has the interest and ability, but has never had the opportunity to train.

I wish you all the best. Just make it very clear to him that that you have to be honest with each other from now on.

LynetteScavo Fri 01-Aug-08 09:28:09

Kally, form what you said about his childcare, he has eastern euroean au-pairs, rather than a child-minder? Which would be much cheaper, and quite affordable if he's been working at Mickey D's for some time. (I've heard the pay of managers isn't that bad hmm)

Years ago (when I was working abraod) I had a boyfried from the US who told people he had gone to Europe on holiday, and fancied staying, so found himself a job. One day his best friend asked me if I knew how my boyfriend had come to be living in that country, as the story he's given his bestfriend was that he'd won a competition, and the prize was a years contract, along with a years accomodation. I actually believe that was the truth, but didn't want people to know that he wasn't able to sort him self out with moving to another country.

It always played on my mind, though, but I would never have confronted him about it, as I didn't think, in the big scheme of things it really mattered. If atall possible, I think you should just let it go. In years to come you might both look back and laugh at this.

Kally Fri 01-Aug-08 11:01:12

He has done stuff for my computer and is quite adept. He also said he has a job opportunity in October with another IT co., but needs to complete some certification by then, to get this position. Which costs and needs financing, and this is a quick way to do it. (Awwww... I feel so pathetic because of all this. I don't know what to think. It really is of no importance, it must have been such pressure to lie all the time either way...) He may be working, studying, and lining himself up, so to speak.

He just called me now, after his first day there yesterday, and he worked from 8am to 11pm !!? He said he was getting aquainted with the job and that he found it very interesting. He was extrememly 'pro McD's' and said he was highly impressed with the way things were run there and the flexibility of the hours. (This was important to him as he has a child to accomodate with hours etc). I felt so compassionate towards him, either way, whether he's fibbed or not. Its the positive attitude I admire, whether he's fibbing or not. I do realise a lot would not have even considered him in the begining if he said he was 'such and such'. I don't want to be sneaky and ring his old company. He told me the location of the McD's, so I could be sneakier and ring there and ask how long he's been there or something like that... but I am not that sort. I think best thing is to let it go, and see it for what it is. It's manipulative of him, but then again maybe these strategies have let us 'find' one another. I am glad some people think as I do, from your answers. It's a shame to think that a man has to be some big old status symbol good job, big car type thing... I am so not into that. Maybe he realises that now and has decided he can safely down key himself and he is doing it this way, more importantly he realises that he not at risk with me if he works at 'whatever'. Thanks for your input and good to hear that I am not the only one who has experienced stuff like this.

Alexa808 Fri 01-Aug-08 12:43:53

Kally, I don't know how much you'd pay to put your mind at ease but I can recommend Kroll. They will give you his complete background, bank statements, etc. It is costly, but then again, you have your own life and your dd's to protect.

TBH, if I were you, I'd offer help with CV, ask where he worked in his previous company and then call them. I had a BF once who lied here and there but it was tiny stuff, and not wanting to seem petty I kept quiet. a yr fast fwd he owned up to over £10k of debt, he had been moving so much so that no one could keep track of him. I still hate him with a passion. IME, if something smells fishy, it most likely is. I don't tolerate liars, no matter how small the issue is. If you've got nothing to hide, you shouldn't lie. If he felt shitty about his job he should have gotten another one, not lied about it. If he has lied at all.

I wouldn't trust him. Racial slurs and he resigns? Just so? Why not file a coplaint in HR? Why not threaten to sue them and get a handsome payout. You don't need money to start proceedings. Lots of lawyers in the UK will go by no win - no fee basis.

theexmrsfederer Fri 01-Aug-08 13:04:27

Kally, he has mentioned financial issues and needing money to set up stuff.

You haven't lent him any have you ?

DaddyJ Fri 01-Aug-08 13:25:07

Kally, it is fantastic that you have found love with this guy
who has treated you so well and in my view if you tried to find out
more about him, that's in no way a betrayal of his trust or your love.

On the contrary, it shows how much you care about him and how much
you want him to be part of your life. The Real Him not an Image, though!
Perfectly reasonable.

Maybe you can ask your sister or mother to make the phone calls?
Definitely find out. It will make a difference to this relationship.

Alexa808 Fri 01-Aug-08 13:35:29

Do you know any of his family members, Kally? Say you'd love to meet them, organize a little party, a BBQ or so. Press for an early date while the weather's great. If he hesitates to introduce you to close mates, family, etc. then I'd be extremely careful and would ask him openly if he's got something to tell you.

You never know a person till it's getting sticky.

Kally Fri 01-Aug-08 19:50:53

I haven't met any of his family members, only his little boy, he has a sister in the States and his Mum lives with her, his Dad passed away recently. He never really talks about close mates and I don't think he is a socialite type, he's always available online or phone, never talks in hushed tones etc.. he is a quiet homely type of person. He's never borrowed money from me, altho a few times he's asked if I could help towards his train ticket to me, which I don't mind, I know how it is before payday. He usually covers this but sometimes he just hasn't got it. Thats not a big deal and I don't mind. Its only a few quid here and there. I know he leaves his little boy round his ex's family sometimes and they help him out with picking up from school etc. She is not very prominent in his talk altho he says she has access to him whenever she wants (but little boy always in background when we talk).
I know I could do all sorts of things, by the way what is KROLL? How much would it cost (feel guilty even contemplating that). As it stands now, he costs me nothing, he doesn't LIVE with me, take my food or anything (if you see what I mean)but as we talk long term..... and now this turn of events... but he seems so happy and upbeat whatever happens. He goes to a church every Sunday and on Wednesday eves... I think thats about his social life, and the gym now and then. He is 40, I am 50.

Kally Fri 01-Aug-08 19:54:52

On my birthday he bought me a mobile phone, mine was old and the letters were so tiny I couldn't read text and things (I once rode over it on my bike!). We, DD and I got him a second hand bike with all the trimmings for his birthday, bell, bottle holder etc., he was so chuffed at the gesture, he was almost in tears...he is a good soul. really..

ihatebikerides Fri 01-Aug-08 20:07:21

I just don't know why there's a niggling feeling in my mind as I read all this. As you seem to have, too. But, as long as you are sensible and don't take any foolish risks (such as lending money you can't afford) then take it slowly and carefully and see how it pans out.

girlnextdoor Fri 01-Aug-08 20:18:06

do you know what- before I got to your punch line, I had guessed what you were going to say?

I just KNEW the job thing wasn't real- it doesn't really hang together that a guy like that would leave, then immediately start to make burgers.

If I were you, I would ask him outright- or play along and ask who he still keeps in touch with from his old work place- where they live- can you meet them etc etc. It might force the issue.

The other thing is, have you EVER seen his house etc? sorry, but I haven't read all the posts.

You see, he could be lying about more stuff than you know.

Some people are pathological liars and fantasists- he may well be- or he may be a genuine guy who wanted to impress and found he was in a tricky situation.

I would either play along but ask awkward questions- or ask him outright. I'd also want to see his home.

Kally Fri 01-Aug-08 20:20:16

ihatebikers - Me too.. me too... almost feel like I have been maimed for life and will never trust anyone again. Such a drag to feel like this as I like him so much. I haven't felt this way about someone for a long long time. Now this red lite goes off and I think 'Phew... another bummer'. When you feel like I feel you don't want to be silly and vulnerable and ignore the implications of 'what if he was telling lies the whole time'... Ah well...

girlnextdoor Fri 01-Aug-08 20:26:08

I have just read Ll the posts now.

I don't think it is good that you have to pay his train fare. TBH if a guy cannot scrape together a train fare to see his GF what is he about? he's not a teenager you know! and how can he afford an ipod for your DD but not train fares?

What happens when you go out? Where do you go? Who pays?

How does he treat you? Is he just getting sex and your company with you paying for him to visit you at times?

I think you need to be very, very careful with this man and if you do confront him do it in a public place perhaps.

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