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DH hasn't spoken to his parents for two months - DD1's birthday looming - what to do?

(15 Posts)
MrsWicket Thu 31-Jul-08 14:07:37

DH had huge row with his mum just before we went on holiday. She was out of order and said some really horrible things and he blew his top. He's not spoken to them or seen them since. The DD's keep asking to see nanny (they have a few times when DH's sister has taken them to see her). I took them once and had my ear chewed off for doing so. He's not stopping his parents from seeing them - they are free to come and see the DDs - but 'we are not running around after them'. DD's birthday is coming up and I know she'll ask is nanny going. What shall I do? I actually don't miss seeing them that much as my relationship with my MIL isn't brilliant at the best of times but I don't think it should effect the DD's relationship with them.

Tortington Thu 31-Jul-08 14:13:58

well if you get your ear chewed of for takin tem round - don't

your kid will get over it

TheCrackFox Thu 31-Jul-08 14:17:27

Do nothing - it really is up to your DH.

biglips Thu 31-Jul-08 14:18:42

i agree with others, or otherwise you may fall out with DH.

meemar Thu 31-Jul-08 14:22:44

Will your DH talk about this with you?

If he has said they are 'free to come and see the DDs' then how can he complain if you invite them over for DD's birthday?

solidgoldbrass Thu 31-Jul-08 14:26:08

Depends a bit what the row was about. If your DH's parents sexually abused him or something and he wants to cut all ties, he has a point. If it was a sily spat about whose turn it is to host Xmas dinner then he should get over himself. Basically, is seeing his parents a genuine threat to his mental stability - are they really toxic? It doesn't sound so if your DC love them.
Have a chat with your DH and suggest to him that inviting his parents to a birthday party when there will (presumably) be other guests there is a good way to start building bridges. And that his DDs' feelings towards their grandparents matter as well.

MrsWicket Thu 31-Jul-08 15:04:37

the row was over money - and the lack of it (us). They keep inviting us on holiday with them (they'd pay) but don't believe us when we say we can't afford it. All our spare money after bills etc goes on childcare (approx £1,000 a month), so we just can't afford the spending money, applications for passports, etc at the mo. MIL lost it and said we were lying as we both had jobs and she wanted to know what we 'did' with our money each month. Thats when DH lost it and told his mum to butt out.

meemar Thu 31-Jul-08 16:17:55

His parents sound a bit infuriating, but it doesn't sound like the kind of thing that ties should be cut for permanently.

He needs to talk to them. She needs to know where the boundaries are and that your financial affairs are none of her business. And if she can't keep her nose out then you won't be spending extended social time (like holidays) with her.

This disagreement shouldn't stop her having a relationship with your DDs. I agree that the birthday party could be a way to build bridges. Don't let this spiral into something more than it should be.

solidgoldbrass Thu 31-Jul-08 18:06:14

Agree wtih meemar: it's annoying behaviour from your PIL but cutting all ties is nearly always the wrong thing to do as it makes you (generic you, not any specific poster) look like a petulant self-obsessed dick. Suggest to your DH that it's up to him to be the bigger person for his DDs' sake and make it a joint resolution between you that if PIL start again you practice the old assertiveness technique called 'broken record' ie say to them 'SOrry but our financial affairs are our own business.' No matter what they say, just keep repeating that line without raising your voice or losing your temper.

Hecate Thu 31-Jul-08 18:09:26

Do nothing.

I've never understood the whole 'must forgive family anything' shite. So by an accident of birth, you happen to share certain genes with someone? So fucking what? If they are bastards, boot them out of your life and never look back.

You don't have to have contact with someone you don't like. Not for any reason and CERTAINLY not for one as random and meaningless as an accident of birth. hmm

solidgoldbrass Thu 31-Jul-08 21:31:52

Thing is, Hecate, while one person might decide to cut others out of his/her life, unless the reasons are because the about-to-be-excommunicated person is actually dangerous then surely other people involved have a right to maintain contact if they want to.

TheHedgeWitch Thu 31-Jul-08 22:26:18

Message withdrawn

mel1981 Thu 31-Jul-08 22:39:28

i'd just leave the ball in his court personally. Ive been in a similar situation with my inlaws and we fell out cause they said we were bad parents cause they couldnt get there way, we never spoke for 3 years in that time I had a stillbirth and they never bothered making the effort -which i will never forgive. But recently my DH decided we would try and make an effort. we are on talking terms, etc but its still not back to the way it is. The trouble is if you start pushing it will cause tension between you and DH. hes open to them seeing little one if they make an effort which in my opinion is fair enough. It really hurts when ur parents/ inlaws critisise you/ put you down so maybe give him a chance to calm down...they are his parents at the end of the day he prob doesnt mean to say things as harsh as he is.

TakeMeHome Thu 31-Jul-08 23:24:47

I'm with Hecate.

If you want bonkers, see my MIL !!!!

2rebecca Fri 01-Aug-08 12:23:33

You relationship with your husband is more important than your daughter's relationship with her granny. It sounds as though this may blow over anyway but I'd chat to husband about it and let him go with what he's comfortable with. I lived hours away from my grandparents so rarely saw them and suffered no ill effects.
You shouldn't need to explain exactly why you don't wish to go on holiday with them anyway. Sounds as though they need to back off.

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