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after everything h has done, I have told him there is no hope of reconciliation. *I* fnished it this time...

(36 Posts)
averyquickex Wed 30-Jul-08 20:27:59

I am sure you read my posts before.
h having an affair and walking out on our family. Then saying he wants me back but still being friends with ow, helping her move etc, supporting her. And still havein sex with her after he has told me he wants to get back together shock

I told him today - if he wont show me the texts they have sent each other than I am saying there is no hope of us ever getting back. He refused (wonder why hmm ).
he says he is doing the right thing by supporting her while she has no one else (because she split with bf to be with h), that I am being unreasonable to ask him to just dump her while so much shit is going on in her life. I told him he is putting her feelings above mine (cos obvioulsy there is NO shit going on in my life....) . He says he doesnt want to cause anymore hurt. ^except for me^ it appears.

So after all the lying, the deceit he has caused, and me even SPELLING OUT what he needs to do, he will not stop seeing her. And if he really wants me back, he would do that.
So I told him tonight. Itis over, I can get over the affair, but I cant get over his behaviour afterwards.

I feel like shit now. But I think I have accepted who he is, how he wont change. How I can never be with that man anymore.

I am moving on.

sad and [happy]

pedilia Wed 30-Jul-08 20:30:54

What a shit he is being, of course he should cut all ties with her and respect what you are asking him to do.

Well done for making such a huge decison, there are many on here that have done the same with little or no regrets.

expatinscotland Wed 30-Jul-08 20:31:43

He did you a favour today. By not showing you the texts AND by defending her and putting her before his family.

Don't you think you deserve someone who treats you better than this?

He doesn't want to stop seeing her, he wants to have his cake and eat it too, at your expense.

No, he won't change and if he didn't want to cause any hurt he'd have never done what he did.

And so you'd do well to move on.

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

wingandprayer Wed 30-Jul-08 20:32:24

Good for you. What a total twat he has been and when he realises this and what a good woman he's lost, I hope he comes crawling back and you can tell him to shove it all over again. Bloody cheek of some men who think they can have their cake and eat it.

averyquickex Wed 30-Jul-08 20:37:22

he said he needs some counselling (4 hours helping her pack, but no time to see a counsellor..). he says he doesnt know right from wrong - I said I am giving him some pretty big hints. He says, yeah what's right for me. I said no, whats right for ANYONE WHO IS IN MY SITUATION...

what a knob.

Love the - better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

Now he is refusing to see ds. Poor ds. But what a shit dad.

ifeellikeshit Wed 30-Jul-08 20:37:48

Well done for having the strength to see past his lies and unacceptable behaviour.You will be better on your own!!

expatinscotland Wed 30-Jul-08 20:39:33

he doesn't know right from wrong? he can't see that fucking around on your wife and kids is wrong?

so now he doesn't see his own kid? bet that's somehow your fault, too.

what a prize fuckwit.

SSSandy2 Wed 30-Jul-08 20:43:42

so if he can't have everything exactly how he wants to have it (although he admits himself he doesn't know right from wrong), then he'll take it out on ds.

Well he's a prize. He needs one almighty big shock to get himself sorted, doesn't he?

I do like you giving him BIG hints! Hope things will take a turn for the better. Must have been (and still be) a very hurtful time for you.

me23 Wed 30-Jul-08 20:43:47

gosh! now refusing to see ds that is low, what a wanker !
I'm glad you are moving on without him (((hugs)))

averyquickex Wed 30-Jul-08 20:54:56

its funny I still find myself thinking he will change, then catching myself.

I have physically (mentally? emotionally?) felt myself go through all the stages, when each new thing has become crystal clear - from denial to anger, from anger to acceptance, and now from acceptance of the situation to acceptance of what he is like. I can really physically feel it.

And before I turned corners and there were loads of things (mess) infront of me. Now I turn this corner and all I have infront of me is my life with ds. Nothing else clouding things. It is weird. Like arriving in a new destination - slightly scary, exhausted from the journey, a little homesick, but KNOWING it will be good.

HappyWoman Thu 31-Jul-08 07:50:05

Well done - you have been very brave.
I think if he had said he needs to help her she has no-one else, I would have said 'poor love i will help her instead of you wink'

Do you think this is what he wants anyway?

I was going to say that often men are too weak and do not want to miss out on anything. Trouble is he will running to her now and saying what a bitch you are for throwing him out (after everything he has done for you- what more could he do for you blah blah blah.....).

I think he will now try and make you angry and may now ask you agian if this is what you want - try and stay calm and not get drawn into any arguments with him. Just state that you have made your position clear and yes you do want the marriage to work but do not know how to do it - he then has to come up with the solution which he already knows anyway.

Anyway good luck - stay on the moral high ground and show him exactly what he is throwing away.

averyquickex Thu 31-Jul-08 13:11:44

thanks everyone for your support.

I broke into his email (yes, I know, but I am CURIOUS!!) and it turns out that she is staying at his for a few days. He sorted this all out with his landlord half an hour before he told me he still wanted me back.

It beggars belief really doesnt it.

I phoned him and told him he is a lying scumbag. Couldnt help myself really.

And he called me back and said she will be gone from his life on sunday.
1. too late
2. I dont believe him
3. It serves as a reminder of what a total loser he is.

So I have saved the email to his landlord asking if his ow can stay, and I am keeping in on my desktop as a reminder for the future. So when he says, in months to come, oh she is gone, I want you back, I am changed etc I can look at it and remind myself of how he continued to put her feelings above mine and continued to lie to me, and how I really dont need a person like that in my life.

Still feeling strong.

macdoodle Fri 01-Aug-08 07:18:50

My H did almost exactly the same - asked if he could come back (this was early on after I found out)...we had a long talk he swore it was over yada yada yada - that weekend I was going away with to my sister to get away we decided he could move back after the weekend .....
The morning before I went he came over and just seemed odd - so when I got to work I phoned OW and asked her to meet me .....seems he had arranged to spend weekend with her - as he had told her they could have whole weekend without me "badgering" him (his words according to her) as I was away shock....
I told her we had planned to reconcile over weekend she looked shocked - when I confronted him he told me that he was just going to have one weekend with her to let her down gently shock angry
He could not see how this hurt me how wrong it was and I believe he had no intention of ending it with her
This was over 2 years ago now She has a baby by him and I have a second DD2 with him...he is with neither of us though still thinks we will reconcile shock.....
Some days I wish I had just been strong and gone ahead with the divorce when i first filed 2 years ago....I would not however have my wonderful DD2 so I can't regret what happened but there was a lot of toing and froing and heartache after that weekend - IME men find it impossible to cut OW off certainly initially (I think even those who have successfully reconciles HW maturer??) will agree.....but if its yoiu he wants then he has to pull out all the stops to porve that to you ...that is one thing I have learnt ....if he doesn't respect you then how can you respect yourself

HappyWoman Fri 01-Aug-08 07:29:23

stupid stupid men - they just cant seem to understand what they are doing.
And then they blame you for not allowing them to 'deal' with it in their way.

But i also do blame ow as she knows too what needs to be done and in fact encourageing him to 'leave' by being available for him as and when - but if you do the same you are slated for being weak.

Stay strong - if these men are ever going to change and become the men you need them to be they will not be put off by your actions.

averyquickex Fri 01-Aug-08 10:03:31

oh macdoodle, that is so sad.
The worst thing would be if ow got pregnant. Seems he couldnt handle fatherhood with me and ds, so it would kill me to know he could handle some baby other ran ds
I did think about confronting her, and saying he is asking me back, so he is stringing us both along and to have some self respect and dump him. But I think she would just think I am being the evil wife, and wouldnt believe me.
Oh well, she will find out in time what a complete wanker he is. I laugh at the thought of them living together - her doing his washing, picking up his pants etc...
Hopefully without another child that he will dump

csi Sat 02-Aug-08 11:22:03

Hi are you still feeling strong?

beanieb Sat 02-Aug-08 11:24:03

good for you. I would have said this a long time ago. He is basically still with her so why would you want him back anyway. Don't believe a man who says he wants you back but who is still with the other woman, it makes no sense.

He doesn't want you he wants his cake and to eat it.

edam Sat 02-Aug-08 11:24:32

well done, you. Now you can look forward without your ex holding you back. smile

averyquickex Sat 02-Aug-08 12:30:47

thanks again. I know you are all right - he wants to have his cake and eat it. I suppose though that I want him to want me, even if I will just reject him, as that means at least ds wont have to meet ow...

Went to a party last night, and got a bit sad when I saw the couples dancing. Then I thought - well xh either would have come and not talked to anyone and not danced, or not come and I would have been on my own. at least on my own I dont have to worry about the moody sod sulking at home..

so, still strong, but with some sadness. I just have to remind myself - HE WONT EVER BE WHAT I NEED HIM TO BE.

In a strange way, I just kindof wish he wouldnt bother with ds, so at least we dont have to deal with him and his lies. He is coming to see him today, allegedly, but I really cant rely on him at all. In a way, it would be easier if I just knew he wouldnt come iyswim.

CuckooClockWorkShy Sat 02-Aug-08 12:53:56

yes, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and to delude himself that he occupied some moral highground (doing the right thing by the ow!).

averyquickex Sat 02-Aug-08 13:02:53

I think I might ask him today if he would mind staying away.
Although I dont want him back, and I cant really stand him, it does still hurt, and he (and his family) continue to hurt me. It would be easier for me if he did that..
Any opinions?

CuckooClockWorkShy Sat 02-Aug-08 13:13:16

Definitely. Whenever you split, you can't start to move on (or heal) until that person is properly gone. While they're still hovering around in the background it's like picking at a scab.

He owes it to you to stay away, as that's what's easiest for you. It's probably coming as a massive shock to him that YOU';re the one making the choices and decisions now. Up til now, they've been his choices. See another woman? Cheat? Help her out? Listen to wife's wishes? Ignore wife's wishes? ALL his choices, and you were passively hoping things would fall your way.

He's probably suffering too in his own way, but keep your distance. You are perfectly entitled to ask that of him.

KnightCider Sat 02-Aug-08 13:13:52

really hard, you're doing so well.
I do think you mustn't put any barriers in the way of access between dh and ds. maybe find another way of doing it while it's all so raw. could they meet at gp's house for example?
what are his family doing?

averyquickex Sat 02-Aug-08 13:27:38

I used to have a handover with my dad.
But seeing as xh doesnt really appear interested in seeing ds particulalry, I think it would give us all a fresh start.
In a way, I think he wants me to ask this, as he has been threatening it a lot anyway. I really dont want to hurt ds, but I think xh wants my 'permission' as it were, to leave copmletely.
All his family have made ow their friends on facebook (didnt take long did it, to write off such a long relationship with a child?!), so obvioulsy I am not going to ask them to help out.

Alexa808 Sat 02-Aug-08 15:06:59

So that's it? That's how he (!) decided to exit from his family. Good God, you should be greateful he's no longer in your life. YANBU AT ALL! If he knew where his place was he'd be by your side -pronto.

I'm so sorry it's all so hard on you. But I think you'll be so much better off without his lies, withholding tactics, etc. I presume the OW didn't care very much about you, so why should she be mollycoddled?? He's a twanker.

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