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not sure where to post but need to do something about my constant approval seeking / crush type thing on boss.

(8 Posts)
tiggersmate Wed 30-Jul-08 17:22:06

I'm in the middle of cooking dinner but I just have to get this down, I've been feeling down and upset, almost self loathing over the past few days and I don't know how to move forward but need to.
Have namechanged as am a bit mortified about it all.

Basically I've been promoted recently to a senior position. I even managed this just six months after coming back from mat leave. Was even headhunted for the job by my new manager.

But this is the thing. I have always felt crap about my abilities and have always felt people could see through me and also dislike me.

My new manager is male and v charismatic and I feel I am always looking for his approval. Its so bad it feels like a crush, but I don't even fancy him.

I emailed him to ask his opinion about something the other day and he hasn't replied yet - and I feel distraught, and scared I've done something wrong that he is waiting to speak to me about. Have constant feeling of dread, like am about to be "found out" or something.

I've been like this with previous bosses too but managed to nip it in the bud, but since returning to work my confidence is zero and have been aware in my new job I've maybe said the wrong thing / thought up wrong idea etc, though I've not been criticised for this, but its like I'm waiting for my new boss to sack me.

I've had v poor relationships with my parents who were verbally abusive and still treat me like a child and as though I'm invisible and not worth dealing with, so I don't know if it stems from that. I feel I am acting like a child just now.

I know I'm probably not making much sense, so I appreciate it if your still reading!

I don't think there's anything I can do except try to get a grip of myself somehow, but if anyone has been remotely been here before please give me some advice, or a kick in the behind at least!

Sorry this is so long, and if the spelling is crap, trying not to burn dinner smile

Walnutshell Wed 30-Jul-08 17:32:45

Couldn't read and not post although not sure what to suggest. You seem to have analysed your feelings well which is perhaps a good start to taking hold of them. Am I simplifying this if I suggest it's a self-esteem issue? smile

macherie Wed 30-Jul-08 22:06:43

Well you clearly are very good at your job, or else you wouldn't have got as far as you have. Have you ever had counselling too try and help you deal with your childhood. I had real issues with my parents which were really affecting me as an adult, but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a psychologist really helped me turn things around . It changed my outlook on life and how I viewed myself. Your GP should be able to put you in touch with someone.

Don't be so hard on yourself, working f/t and being a mum is really difficult, I'd say your doing a great job, you just need a bit of help to deal with things in the past you had no control over. I'm sure it will all work out for you

nik76 Thu 31-Jul-08 07:08:10

I would recommend 'feel the fear and do it anyway', its a book that talks about the negitive voice in your head and how you ahve been programme to hear only negitive things due to the way your parents talked to you. It really helped me when I was feel insecure and as if I was going to be 'found out' at any moment.

I described my relationship with my last boss as being metally abusive - no matter how much I felt worthless/not appricated I still went back for me and wanted her to notice how much/hard I'd tried. My cue was getting pregnant, it made me see her for her true colours and thankfully she has left whilst I am on mat leave. It doesn;'t matter who ahs the job I am sure it can never be as bad!

tiggersmate Thu 31-Jul-08 10:25:32

Thanks for your support,
I'm feeling a bit better today.
I am only working part time, which is in some ways easier, but in some ways worse as I spend days off worrying.

nik the relationship you describe with your boss is like the one I have with my mum, its like I am projecting my feelings to my boss, or something. Thank goodness your boss has left!

I will get that book you recommend.
Thanks all for taking the time to give me some support. smile

wingandprayer Thu 31-Jul-08 10:35:47

I had this before my children. Bullying at work and a few tricky years meant I had anxiety issues and I spent far too much time worrying about the fact I felt i was projecting this super woman persona and the real me was shrinking knowing that it was all bullshit, that I wasn't capable or worthy of my job. I obsessed about what everyone else was thinking about me, analysing their every comment, desperate for praise. Would lie awake for hours fretting.

CBT and combatting negitive thoughts training made sense of it all and I realised actually i was capable that it was the deperessed me that was making me see the worst of every situation. Please go and get some counselling as soon as you can and read the Feel the Fear...book in the meantime. I ended up quite ill and on AD's and it was all so unneccessary - I just didn't realise there was a problem until too late but you have and that's half the battle.

Never had a problem since I hasten to add.

tiggersmate Thu 31-Jul-08 15:08:32

wingandprayer, you sound so like me, you have summed up exactly how I'm feeling, and I have even been considering AD'S sad
Have ordered Feel the Fear as a first step instead
Glad your problems have improved with counselling, gives me hope!
Thanks x

wingandprayer Fri 01-Aug-08 18:16:40

If you think AD's would help you get a handle on things and give you time to get your head round CBT then don't be afraid to ask for them. I am so cross at myself that I didn't sort it out earlier and the anxiety soured so many happy times. It's a revelation when you start seeing things for what they really are!
Look after yourself x

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