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hubby jut left

(37 Posts)
csi Wed 30-Jul-08 12:41:02

My husband a few yer ago had an affair. i forgave and we got back together. It was tought going and he since has texted women his met on the job.His a builder. but he says they were purely friendship etc. And he swore he wouldn't do it again.

So things have been going along. He had my name tattooed on his arm a couple of weeks ago and we just celebrated our wedding anniversary.

I found out today that his been texting another woman again. Off the estate his been fitting bathrooms on. He said its innocent she said its innocent. But i dont care if its innocent he shouldnt have been sodding texting her. Its been early morning late night when his been home with me and the kids. And he even texted her 3 times on our anniversary when i was getting ready.

I feel so numb right now. He has taken a change of clothes. but i know he has no one to go stay with unless the guy from work lets him crash at his place.

One friend thinks im stupid for chucking my marriage away over texting. As i asked him to leave. but i dont think im wrong. Fair enough i cant think straight.

It took everything to forgive him last time. My heart wass so crushed. And now he does it again. I dont think i will ever forgive him this time and im pretty sure this marriage cannot go on. I will never trust him. Id be worrying everytime he left the house constantly checking his phone and thats no way to live.

But now i have to put my best smily face on when im dealing with the kids.

I honestly dont know what way to turn. I love him but i know it has to be over.

Alexa808 Wed 30-Jul-08 12:51:52

Very sorry to hear this CSI. You need to find out what is right for you. That 'friend's' comment is unfair in my opinion. Only you can decide what's best and it's none of her business. Maybe today it is 'just' a text, maybe tomorrow it's dinner or a cuddle... angry

Is there anyone who could come and be with you today? You shouldn't be alone. Your head must be spinning. Don't make any rash decisions, but have someone there with you.

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 12:59:01

no one just a load of kids and their friends so one way to keep busy!

my head is spinning i just cant make sense of it.

stirlingmum Wed 30-Jul-08 13:10:27

Alexa is right - You have to feel safe and secure in a relationship and if he is disrespecting you by continuing this text relationship knowing it will upset you then there is a problem.
Have you seen the messages? Are they just friendly or a bit flirty?
Maybe you both need space for a while. Maybe asking him to stay away from you for a few days and then get together for a chat to see how you both feel then?
I hope things work out for you smile

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 13:20:37

No i haven't seen any of the messages. But im too angry to listen.

And to text on our wedding anniversary is the worst.

beanieb Wed 30-Jul-08 13:22:57

What reason did he give for texting. I think if he wants to prove it is innocent then he should agree to show you the texts.

tab1 Wed 30-Jul-08 13:25:27

you forgave him once, now he has risked your relationship again by texting woman, you will never be able to trust him, sorry

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 13:25:28

he said he needed someone to talk to. His got no real friends. For all i know his deleted them.

Alexa808 Wed 30-Jul-08 13:39:07

I really think you shouldn't be alone. Could you talk to someone in RL? A close friend?

Don't let anger cloud your judgement, really make him stay away for a few days and give you space to think about it.

Honestly, what a shabby excuse from his side...why does he need to text another woman when he knows it upsets you? How come he asn't got any male friends? Why does he feel he can't talk to you??

Let a few days go by, I know how hard it must be for you. But allow yourself the time to distance yourself from him and listen inside you. How is your life with him otherwise? Are you happy? Is this what you want? Is it only the texts which make you sad?

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 13:50:26

Its the texts and the betrayel of the texts. The fact is his done it before and swore he wouldn't again.

We do get on apart from usual moans of not enough time together and not enough sex cause we have 5 kids here.

I have asked him to show me the texts but he has none on his phone. Which to me screams guilt.

He has no real friends and his family are scum and he despises them. They got him into drugs a few years back and then he hooked up with his dealer. I forgave so much and it took a lot to get him clean.

Its taken so much to rebuild my trust in him. And just when i do he does this. If it was all so innocent why not tell me?

I really do not want to see him for the next several days at least. Im just too angry.

I havent even cried yet i know once the shock and anger wears off i will. And i hate him for hurting me again.

I really dont think i can give this marriage another go. I will never ever trust him.

Alexa808 Wed 30-Jul-08 17:00:12

Oh CSI, so very sad for you. I think you should really use the time to maybe write down what you like and dislike, what's bugging you, what makes you sad and angry, what makes you happy.

You need the time and space for yourself to see a bit more clearly. Nothing should be done while you're so angry and still clearly in shock.

I wish I could help more. So sorry this has happened to you. He didn't tell you because he knew he was in the wrong. Esp. as he's already got the yellow card IYSWIM.

I think you should speak to a friend about this. Definitely don't carry it all by yourself. Power hug!

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 17:11:35

oh csi, this rings so true. My dh did exactly the same thing to me regarding an affair. Then last night his phone was on my pillow and I read all the text messages.

I was not ready for what I saw. Intimate text with no less than four women. I went beserk.

I have not got a clue what to do. Feel so let down. He said he hasnt had sex with them. But I told them he might not have had an affair with his dick but he has in so many other ways. The text were really upsetting to read.

But I have noted all the females numbers and I will be phoning them tonight.

Getting kids readt for bed as have alot to think about.

Will be thinking of you!

beanieb Wed 30-Jul-08 17:18:32

cba - were the texts of a sexual or flirtatious nature? Or are they just texts to female freinds?

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 17:25:27

The texts were about meeting having fun, sun and something else!! Another with another woman said they knew the love was wrong but felt so good!

The third woman was arranging a meet in the uk.

I am shell shocked, have three kids and cannot believe he has done it again, not once, not twice but now a third time.

beanieb Wed 30-Jul-08 17:27:45

so sorry to hear that, I think if it were me I wouod call them too! and sling him out.

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 18:02:19

beanie, always said if something like this happened again i would throw him out. But is just so much more complex.

I really have to get my head together and think things through which is really hard when you are looking after three kids 24 hours a day whilst dh works.

So pissed off and let down, I havent even cried I am so angry. I was physically shaking last night and was sick.

I asked him what part of your brain thinks it is ok to behave like this as a married man.

Asked him what he would do if the shoe was on the other foot, of course, kill them.

I said I do not behave like this, he said that is because I am perfect. I told him I am not perfect just act accordingly as a married woman should. Shit bag

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 18:17:46

omg cba are you ok?

Im with you on the not crying. i still havent. But i do have one hell of a headache.

Ihave texted the woman he has been texting and she swears it was just chat. That her bloke knows about it and she even said sorry!

But that doesnt change the fact that he betrayed my trust yet again.

I truely love him but i cant see how he could love me. The tattoo on his arm was his way of proving to me that his not going anywhere.

I do believe it wasnt about sex but i dont know what was in the texts at all.

he still texted another woman behind my back and if it was all so innocent why not tell me about it? Yeah i would not have been pleased but if he'd been showing what was being sent i would have been ok i think?

Im just going through the motions here. As nasty as it sounds i just want the kids to go to bed so i can curl up and do nothing.

He hasnt texted me at all which i am angry as hell over. His in the wrong yet his not even bothering.

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 18:34:07

i know how you feel, i am getting my three ready for bed now. I have just received a bunch of flowers but he cant have gone to the shop himself as the card was not in his writing, prob his secretary.

Who texts him a pet name and he calls her babe and kisses. Have told him in no uncertain terms she is an employee and if it continues she can look for another job.

What upset me also was that there was not a single text from me on his phone only the texts from about four five other women.

What fucking planet does he think i come from?

csi, do not blame yourself or start questioning yourself this is about them not us. Believe me I have bent over backwards for my dh and stuck through him through thick, thin and shit just like you with your dh

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 18:37:49

cba i have just gone through his online bill with a fine tooth comb. Apart from a few days where he texted her all the others i know. And 90% of them are to me.

So my head is spinning even more now!

Have i over reacted or was i justified to be fuming?

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 18:40:16

no you are right to be mad. He has texted a female behind your back, a flirty text can lead to so much more with a blink of an eye.

Do give him the chance to explain and take it from there. He may have genuinely just been friendship as you said the other lady said her dh knew and she said sorry.

My situation is a little more complex with single women wanting him for money probably

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 18:48:09

I know whatever it is hasnt been going on long even friendship as i have been through the last few months of bills.

I just dont think i will ever trust him again and how can a marriage work with that?

Women and money. Why do they think they will get more from a married man??

Maybe its me but i dont think a married man should go looking for female friends behind his wifes back.

I dont know if the texts were flirty she said they wasnt.

But just feels like been here before and not goingt hrough it again.

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 18:51:29

i agree with you, married men should not go looking for female friends behind his wifes back.

dh has a female friend and they text each other, but I speak to her on the phone and know there is no hidden agenda.

this situation is totall different. one of the women was asking his age, where they should meet. It read as though he had met away whilst away on business. Another one he had her contact in as a code and not a female name.

This is going to take a long time to sort.

Explain to your dh what you find acceptable with a female and what you dont, he may think what he has done is not a big deal to him, but now knows it is to you.

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 18:54:57

Thats the problem he doesnt feel his done anything wrong. Although he admits it was out of order texting her on our wedding anniversary.

I just feel if i forgive him yet again. It will happen again.

and i want better from my life.

How are you going to deal with your dh?

cba Wed 30-Jul-08 19:07:18

not sure yet how i am going to deal with him. Have already received a huge bunch of flowers, but that does not even touch the sides to be honest.

I cannot bring myself to talk to him at the moment, I feel so let down. This is the third year in a row.

He said he hasnt had sex, but that does not make a difference the texts have been going on a long time and he has been deceitful whilst I have been the doting wife dealing with other shit that has come my way.

Just feel numb and lost at the moment.

Might go on holiday just with the kids to think and to show him what he could lose.

csi Wed 30-Jul-08 19:24:30

Thats the thing we are made out to be the nagging woman at home.Yet its us that takes care of them. Washes there flippin clothes so they look nice on their affair dates!

I still feel numb too. I just dont know where to go from here. But i know i will not be making the first move. Which he is expecting. Thats why he hasnt called. Im getting the silent treatment in the hope that i will crack and text/call him. Well he'll be waiting a while for that to happen.

I didnt do anything wrong here. He did and he needs to face up to that. And if our marriage doesnt recovery he will have to face that he destroyed this family as it was and that the new family will be me and the kids with him as the weekend dad.

His affair tore me to pieces. Then he had text affairs and it was like opening the wounds again and pouring vinegar on them.

He even said to me the other day that i have a wall up and i have never completely let him in. I wonder why??? Im protecting myself.

Whatever happens this has changed our relationships forever. I will never fully trust him and i can never love him as whole as when we first met. Yet again his killed some of it.

I have taken my wedding ring off and thatt will never go back on either. His tarnished that.

I just feell like everything i have done for him his just thrown it back in my face.

He knew this would hurt me and i told him before if i caught him doing it again i would walk. And im fully prepared to walk now. I havent the strenght to fight for a marriage that i no longer believe in.

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