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Why is his work always more important than mine? It's really starting to get to me.

(11 Posts)
NorkyButNice Tue 29-Jul-08 14:28:52

DS has had an unfortunate run of being off nursery ill recently. DH and I are both able to work from home, and so unless either of us has had to go in for meetings, we've both stayed at home to share out the childcare whilst trying to get some work done.

DS is OK at entertaining himself for a while (he's 10 months) but once he starts getting crabby, DH announces that he has a conference call he has to join, or he's right in the middle of fixing something for a client which can't possibly wait long enough to feed/change/play with DS.

We do exactly the same jobs, and earn pretty much the same amount, so why is it that his job always takes priority over mine? DS has to go to the doctors later this morning about a rash and so far I was the one who got up at 6, gave him his breakfast, played with him, whilst dialled into work and trying to get stuff done. DH got up, logged straight onto work and disappeared into the other room with the laptop. Doubtless I will be the one expected to drop work to take DS to the doctors in an hour or so.

Sorry for the rant - just feeling like my work is second best in his eyes.

OsmosisBanana Tue 29-Jul-08 14:33:44

Ah, I know it well.

soopermum1 Tue 29-Jul-08 14:40:05

i feel like this, sometimes, despite earning twice what DH does sad hope your DS is feeling better soon.

RubySlippers Tue 29-Jul-08 14:42:23

make a schedule

or, you disappear into the other room with your laptop

perahps you need to say to your DH "you will need to take DS to the GP at 11 am, so can you make sure you are free please"

my DH needs to be TOLD stuff like this and then will do it

maidamess Tue 29-Jul-08 14:44:49

I agree with Ruby. These things need to be spelt out. Most men, will assume their wife will do it. If you automatically do it without querying why he can't/won't do it, you set a precedent for future times.

I think we do automatically do it too, as it wouldn't occur to us not to, until we take a step back and say 'Hang on...why am I always doing it?'

talilac Tue 29-Jul-08 14:46:57


This is one of those things where people do / don't do what they can get away with. You'd probably be the same if the situation was reversed (or at least I know I would!)

Don't make a big deal out of it, just go in there now and say "Right, I've got some work I've got to do, DS is due at the doctors, can you take him please".

Don't ask, just inform. The mistake we women often make IMO is to try to negotiate their way through these things, and then it gets all emotive and annoying. Just tell him what you need him to do, and when, and see how you get on.

talilac Tue 29-Jul-08 14:47:47

Xpost, I could have just said "I agree with Ruby"!

NorkyButNice Tue 29-Jul-08 15:58:32

His opinion is that the fact he's stayed at home rather than going to work means that he is helping out and I should be grateful for that. I asked him if he would take DS to the doctors as I haven't really managed to get much done this morning and he said "But I have to work".

Anyway, I decided I'd had enough and TOLD him he was taking DS to the doctors. Which met with "But when will I go to the gym?" - eh? Apparently he was planning to pop to the gym while I took DS to the doctors, so he could get on with work once we're back.

Methinks I have a lazy childcare-avoiding DH angry

Obviously I set him straight and have just waved him on his way out of the door with DS grin

TigerFeet Tue 29-Jul-08 16:02:09

I get this with dh from time to time

The only response is to throw back at him what he has said to you


"When am I supposed to work?"
"Well when am I supposed to work?"

"I need to get this report finished"
"Well I need to get this spreasheet returned by 11am"

and so on.

Childish, but at times it's the only way to get through to someone who can't see past their own workload.

talilac Tue 29-Jul-08 16:14:15

Surprisingly, this tactic does work quite often with DPs.

ie, instead of waiting for them to offer to get up with DC, try

"Can you get up with DS tomorrow? I'm tired and need a lie in".

It takes a bit of a change of mindset because we all believe that our partners should just notice for themselves what is needed and do it. But when you get past that and just ask them to do stuff, more often than not it happens.

Alhough, and this is crucial, things don't get done exactly as you would have done it. You have to not mind and not criticise or it all falls apart.

elkiedee Tue 29-Jul-08 16:22:12

Well done NBN

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