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Did your sex life change after becoming a mum? DH is in a huff!

(9 Posts)
ILikeYourSleeves Tue 29-Jul-08 10:27:03

Hi, just wondering whether having a baby has affected other peoples relationships / sex life? We have a 9 month old DS and DH and I have only recently got back in the sack. We didn't make love at all during my pregnancy for (the perhaps irrational) fear of miscarrying as we had conceived via IVF so I wanted to avoid anything that could have affected the pregnancy. Then I ripped to shreds at the birth and it took me ages to heal properly. We tried to have sex for the first time perhaps back in Feb ish but it was so sore and I just bled and it reopened the wound. I was referred to gynae and everything but they said it would just heal with time. Which it has... now we have had sex about 4 times in the past few months and it's no longer painful although it does take me a while to relax fully as I think I'm still anticipating pain a bit.

Anyway, AF appeared for the first time last week too so we haven't done anything recently. Last night DH asked me if I wanted to do it but it was so bloody hot and I was knackered that I said no. Cue DH going in a major strop and saying that we might as well have a platonic relationship and he feels he needs to always ask for sex and he shouldn't. I can see his point but on the other hand he barely does anything with DS other than play with him so he's not the one who's knackered at the end of the day (although he says 'but I'm the one who is working'!!!) He also started saying that all I care about is DS and not him- methinks he is feeling left out but he could do more with us too, yes he works but he doesn't join in with the bathtimes etc. I tried to explain that being a mum involves having to be with DS to play, take for walks, visits etc...! We don't get out ourselves much as a couple as there aren't too many babysitters near us so that probably doesn't help!

So he is in a major cream puff. I tried to talk about it to him this morning but he's not really listening. I feel my libido has totally nosedived too, do any of you feel like this too?

Any advice? Thanks

ConstanceWearing Tue 29-Jul-08 10:37:30

Are you breast-feeding, ILYS? This can affect the libido.

Another thing that can affect the libido is a partner who thinks only of their own issues and needs, and has no patience with yours. It will make you resentful, and that really dulls the desire.

It is very normal, imo, but you need to chat about it with absolute honesty. Tell him you will try harder, but he needs to try harder with you and DC. He can't stand on the outside looking in, and then declare you don't include him in anything and therefore don't care for him.

Hop you work it out.

ancientmiddleagedmum Tue 29-Jul-08 10:41:35

I think most women go off sex after a baby, so don't feel unusual. It's mainly exhaustion, and I think it's also (or at least it was for me) the fact that you are now more in love with your baby than anything else on the planet and so don't feel very sexy, more just mumsy. Plus I went through a phase of wanting to kick my DH in the head every time he touched my boobs, as when I was breast-feeding they no longer felt like sex objects iykwim. My theory is that you have to make yourself do it now and again, in order a) to stay married and b) to get yourself back into the swing again. BUT he also has to help out a bit more and not just sit on the sidelines. I think a murder was almost committed when my DH used that "but I go out to work" line - if looking after a small baby 24/7 isn't also work, then I don't know what is! Once per week should just about shut him up, if you can manage it. Alcohol helps. My theory is that this is just pure nature at its best - once the female has had a baby, it doesn't want to conceive again for a while so libido goes out the window. Males however are always programmed to impregnate. He is being a big sulky jealous baby, but then most men are just that really, and you have to put up with that for the good bits. Tell him you'll feel more like it if he a) gives you a lie-in now and then and b) gives you a break from the routine now and then, eg by taking over the bath/bed routine twice a week. Good luck!

corblimeymadam Tue 29-Jul-08 10:43:42

Message withdrawn

ILikeYourSleeves Tue 29-Jul-08 10:48:03

Yes I am still breastfeeding so that will probably play a part too. I tried to talk to him this morning, said that we need to sort things out as life is too short to go in huffs. He was getting ready to go out to work so we didn't talk much at all but I'll try later on again. I did say to him too that if he's talking about what you should have in a marriage etc (ie have sex) another thing is that we should have a partnership when it comes to doing things for DS. Yes I know I will do most as I'm on M/L just now and I'm the primary caregiver but DH never even changes nappies, feeds etc and I have to spell things out when I'd like them done! He didn't reply to me when I said all that so hopefully he'll be thinking things over today too.

MrsTittleMouse Tue 29-Jul-08 11:12:02

I know that babysitters aren't easy for you, but I would seriously try to get some time for the two of you together. We have had dreadful problems (due to very painful scarring - still an issue almost 2 years after the delivery ) and DD was a very demanding baby so we were both exhausted. I found that once we had gone out and reconnected on a mental and emotional level, I found it easier to reconnect on a physical level. I needed to feel part of a couple again, and not just a Mum. When that happens, then my libido seems to come back to me naturally, even though we're a bit limited as to what we can actually do about it.

I don't know how your DS gets on with his GPs, but could you arrange for an overnight visit to GPs? Perhaps building up gradually, but leaving him for a couple of hours at first. A night when you aren't listening out for crying or knowing that you don't have to struggle out of bed for DS and work can work wonders.

Electricgooberella Tue 29-Jul-08 11:13:09

Too right it did!

Who wants to risk that happenning again?

ConstanceWearing Tue 29-Jul-08 13:57:24

grin electricgooberella

sweetgrapes Tue 29-Jul-08 14:09:38

Of course it affects. And if you had a rough time down there, it's gonna affect even more!!

DS is now 2 and now I am getting back into the swing of things - this is with an easy delivery. I made a big effort about a year back to try and have sex with DH. And now it comes easily again.

You need to plonk your DS on DH and take off for a day so he gets an idea of reality. And also try to work at the sex. It does take effort but once you start doing it the pleasure comes back too.

Start small, try to do the little intimate things you did before WITHOUT having sex. This will get you closer without the pressure of 'performing'.

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