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Things not going so well - is this just the pressure of being a parent?

(13 Posts)
Stefka Tue 29-Jul-08 08:57:26

Things have not been great since our baby was born. My DH seems angry with me most of the time. It's like he resents the fact that I am at home while he is out working even though we decided together that this is what we would do.

He can often be pretty horrible to me when he's around. Last night he called me a parasite. He said I was useless and didn't do enough. When I asked him what more he wanted me to do he made daft complaints about not doing his washing (untrue - I do all the washing), not cooking enough meals from scratch and not making his lunch boxes (something he told me not to bother with because I was struggling to keep up with things). Afterwards he says he didn't mean it but I think deep down that he does.

I have been struggling with feelings of anxiety, depression and eating issues. I feel totally worthless and guilty for 'just' being at home. I feel like I have to pretend to be happy for fear of making my husband angry with me and sending him into one of his moods where he just has a go at me.

My son is nine months old. Do you think we are just adjusting still to being parents?

GordonTheGopher Tue 29-Jul-08 09:01:15

No I think you're married to a dick.

Sorry to be blunt.

Amethyst86 Tue 29-Jul-08 09:04:59

No - he sounds like a t*at. I know very well that feeling of pretending to be happy so he won't be angry, he is being emotionally abusive to you. Becoming parents is a very stressful time obviously but 9 months in things should be settling down a bit and he should be helping you not whinging at you. My H was has been a real arse since we had dc and I relate a lot to your post. Read this book and at least you will be armed with some information to throw back at him here. It really is an amazing book and hopefully will help you feel a bit stronger. You will certainly not be feeling that you are 'just' at home after you have read it.

Have you thought about PND as a possibility for feeling low as you do. I had it and didn't really feel normal till about 18 months after the birth of my first child. Having a child is a huge shock and takes a lot of adapting too. Please get that book it will really help you to see things more clearly.

Thefearlessfreak Tue 29-Jul-08 09:05:07

Perhaps it's not as simple as him being a dick...What was he like before baby? How long have you been together? Did you have your eating issues before? How has the baby been (generally ok or has it been a big shock?) Did you really want a baby (both of you?)

Tommy Tue 29-Jul-08 09:13:01

It is hard work adjusting but your H shouldn't speak to you like that.

I found that being diagnosed with PND was actually quite a useful tool as it made my DH realise that there was actually something wrong and I wasn't just being a wuss. (although to be fair to mine, he wouldn't ever speak to me like that)

Have you though about talking it through with your GP or health visitor?

(that book looks good too)

GordonTheGopher Tue 29-Jul-08 09:16:57

Yes sorry that was a useless post. I'm just angry on your behalf!

Stefka Tue 29-Jul-08 10:04:29

We did want a baby but yes I had eating issues before - an old way of coping with stress.

I talked to my Dr about the eating thing but she wasn't much use. I am waiting to see a dietitian at the moment.

We've been married for six years and mostly it has been good- up's and down's like normal but we were happy. He is under a lot of pressure I think with work - recently went self employed and we owe money because of that. He's always been the main source of income and I think he resents that I am not earning but still wants me at home with the baby. He is frustrated I guess with the eating thing when he is out at work all day trying to keep a roof over our head

Usually he's lovely but sometimes he is really nasty and picks fights with me. I am guessing it's his way of dealing with the stress he is under or he is genuinely pissed off with me or both.

Stefka Tue 29-Jul-08 10:06:04

Oh and the baby is lovely but it has been a huge shock and I haven't had a full nights sleep since he was born!

beanieb Tue 29-Jul-08 10:10:27

do you want to go back to work? Perhaps if you are unhappy at being home and he is unhappy with what he calls you being a parasite, maybe you both need to sit down and discuss what you would like to change. Perhaps if you explain to him that you'd like to go back to work and this would mean a more equal share of childcare, household stuff etc, then he would be happier?

Stefka Tue 29-Jul-08 10:44:24

I would like to work part time. Unfortunately not a single part time job has come along for me to apply for. I am in the process of trying to set up something that I can do myself - a little business that I could do at weekends. I hope I can because I think it would help my self esteem.

Thefearlessfreak Tue 29-Jul-08 14:10:14

I'm no drug pusher - but anti-depressants can be really useful at times; and I've used them for both eating issues & PND in the past.

His comments aren't excusable; but he sounds like he's being sort of childish. Is he missing your full attention? The things he asking for are very mothering aren't they?

And you need to look at your role as mother...is that "totally worthless" and worthy of guilt? Blimey...being a mother at home all the time is the hardest thing I ever did. Do you have a good network of friends...or some "Mummy friends" who have babbys too?

Have you challenged him for callingyou a parasite? And whatever else? That for one will NOT be helping you to get on with looking after HIS son (with no sleep) and trying to adjust to the fact that your life has changed in innumerable ways.

scanner Tue 29-Jul-08 14:14:22

No, it's not. I was a sahm and we struggled financially, but dh has never ever ever said anything like that to me. Even now that the dc's are all school age and I'm self employed, if I tell him I haven't got much work on,he'll say 'great, just relax and enjoy the peace'. Trust me, he's no saint, but he knows how hard it is looking after a baby/toddler/child and wouldn't want to do it full time himself.

foxymagoo Tue 29-Jul-08 20:43:36

Stefka, I remember you from the MN local page.. So sorry to hear you are having a hard time of it with your DH.

Are you going out and meeting other Mums? Getting out there helps self esteem and is kind of networking as you never know what jobs other local Mums know about.

If you want to meet for a chat please email me using the icon.

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